UPDATE ON THE BIG TALK WITH MOM - Page 3

haddon9 · ‎03-09-2010

@Pook wrote:
@Shanus While you have her best interests in your wanting to take control and move her to assisted living, it is her life. She does have some help and if that is all she wants, at this point then it's her choice. I had many go arounds with my dad about things like this and finally realized that if he would have been bullied and coerced to do what I felt was best for him then the rest of his life would have been pure hell for him. I visited him several times a week, called him any times daily, did his shopping and helped him as much as I could and worried a lot about him but he was happy in his own home with his cat and that is what he wanted. He said we all have to die sometime and he preferred to stay home even if it meant he might have falls or medical issues. He had some really great neighbors who would look in on him and help him. I finally realized it wasn't about making my life easier and having less stresses and things to do but about his happiness. We had so many good times once I stopped badgering him. A time did come when he fell and was hospitalized. He wanted to go right home when discharged but I more or less told him he needed to go to a nursing home for therapy and then he could get help at home so he could stay there. He didn't believe me and our relationship changed after that until he passed several months later. If I had taken control and forced him into an assisted living when I wanted to I feel sure he would not have survived as long as he did and I would have missed out on so many great times with him. I still feel awful that I did not find a way to get him home sooner. I went to see him daily but all he did was accuse me of putting him away and half the time refused to speak to me. Being safer in an assisted living might be better for you but as long as she can stay home with help, just enjoy your relationship with her. It's a tough thing to go through and I feel for you.

My thoughts exactly!

Shanus · ‎05-17-2010

@squeaks wrote:
Sorry to hear of your difficulties with your mom. Did you ever consider a monitor? I have a friend whose mom lives several states from her and she has a monitor. There are different types and prices for them.

@squeaks Monitor meaning the “I’ve fallen & can’t get up” thing? If so, she has one provided by her independent living community. Does she wear it? No. It interferes w/ her outfits, her statement jewelry, etc. It was on her night table when she fell last week & she said even if she could have reached it, she would not press the button because EMS comes right away. Checked that before I left the premises yesterday. Only Security comes to assess the necessity for further assistance. Oh, besides everything else, she “twists” the truth to her advantage.

Shanus · ‎05-17-2010

@millieshops wrote:
@ShanusWarm hugs to you - you are in a warp of frustration and, I assume, fear. I've been there and it's so hard.

@millieshops You are so right. Thanks to you & others for helping me with suggestions & allowing me to vent. 😘

PamfromCT · ‎05-22-2014

Dear @Shanus, My heart truly goes out to you. Been there, done that. You are a loving daughter, and it is a terrible position you are in. I do like the suggestion of one poster who suggested a monitor, and I do wonder if your mom would consent to wear the type that would detect a fall. I have not been following your journey, but I wonder where your mom's Doctor is in this matter. Doctors should be willing to be the "bad people" in these scenarios, but often that does not even work.

All I can say to you is that more often than not, these situations do have a way of playing out. Yes, it takes a crisis. And sometimes a family member with no spine makes the situation worse before the crisis. You are a good person dealing with a bad situation. It may not help you sleep well at night, but know you are doing the right and honorable thing. Unless a person can be assessed as mentally incompetent, they are in charge. After going through so much with my mom, I hope I never ever do this to my children.

Shanus · ‎05-17-2010

@evelyner wrote:
I have the same situation. My mom is 90 and has someone 25 hours a week. She just called me at 1am bc of a strange noise.
She too wants to stay home and refuses more help. I’m an only child and am lucky that 2 of my daughters live close by.
My husband is 75 and we’re going on a 3 week trip soon and I am worried.

@evelyner I certainly get it. Thinking back DH & I only went away for long weekends until my son moved close by from VA. Knowing he was close enough to her in an emergency gave me freedom to go to Seattle to see DD who had moved there awhile ago and I haven’t seen in a long time.

dex · ‎03-09-2010

@Shanus@Sorry to hear that things did not go well.I guess that your mom isn’t ready to give up her independance quite yet.It is a very difficult time of worry for you as you have seen her decline but she hasn’t acknowledged that yet.I think you are right to let your son take over more of her care so that he will come to realize that she needs an awful lot of it and it will only increase.You can try to worry a little less by allowing your son to handle as much as he is willing and really that is a blessing.I don’t know of many young people who want to be so involved in the care of their elderly family members.You have to remember that it is obvious that your son also loves her very much and wants what he thinks is best for her too.I think the aides are a wonderful option.My mom has that help and it has made the world of difference in her life for now.I say for now because things are always changing but at this moment it works...she seems to be doing better with this type of attention and extra care.I hate to think of the next step which will be the saddest just basically doing nothing but waiting for your time to go.

bonnielu · ‎03-11-2010

This is a tough one. I left my mother alone. I did try. She just moved to be closer to her brothers in Florida. She got a caretaker to live with her. Seems everyone took advantage of her. Perhaps I should have been more forceful. She did not die alone but she died without any resources.

Shanus · ‎05-17-2010

@PamfromCT wrote:
Dear @Shanus, My heart truly goes out to you. Been there, done that. You are a loving daughter, and it is a terrible position you are in. I do like the suggestion of one poster who suggested a monitor, and I do wonder if your mom would consent to wear the type that would detect a fall. I have not been following your journey, but I wonder where your mom's Doctor is in this matter. Doctors should be willing to be the "bad people" in these scenarios, but often that does not even work.

All I can say to you is that more often than not, these situations do have a way of playing out. Yes, it takes a crisis. And sometimes a family member with no spine makes the situation worse before the crisis. You are a good person dealing with a bad situation. It may not help you sleep well at night, but know you are doing the right and honorable thing. Unless a person can be assessed as mentally incompetent, they are in charge. After going through so much with my mom, I hope I never ever do this to my children.

@PamfromCT I appreciate your taking time to share your thoughts. I addressed the monitor situation in another post. If were up to her doc, she’d still be driving. He didn’t want to be involved. BTW, dh and I have a signed agreement that is notarized stating that when either of them feel that either of us needs to no longer live independently, they have permission to make those arrangements.

LTT1 · ‎03-09-2010

@Shanus

The old song “Letting Go” this reminds me of that.

The MOST important relationship RIGHT NOW is with your DS. Concentrate on that and not your mom’s.

Sorry, but that is what I would do because:

Recently I have had to look into dementia very deeply.

My conclusion is best to allow them to remain happy to heck with The heckling over their health. Don’t let them drive if it endangers the lives of others.

Put a barrier over your love/guilt for the dementia person and preserve what you can of your relationship with other family members.

~Have a Kind Heart, Fierce Mind, Brave Spirit~

Shanus · ‎05-17-2010

@dex wrote:
@Shanus@Sorry to hear that things did not go well.I guess that your mom isn’t ready to give up her independance quite yet.It is a very difficult time of worry for you as you have seen her decline but she hasn’t acknowledged that yet.I think you are right to let your son take over more of her care so that he will come to realize that she needs an awful lot of it and it will only increase.You can try to worry a little less by allowing your son to handle as much as he is willing and really that is a blessing.I don’t know of many young people who want to be so involved in the care of their elderly family members.You have to remember that it is obvious that your son also loves her very much and wants what he thinks is best for her too.I think the aides are a wonderful option.My mom has that help and it has made the world of difference in her life for now.I say for now because things are always changing but at this moment it works...she seems to be doing better with this type of attention and extra care.I hate to think of the next step which will be the saddest just basically doing nothing but waiting for your time to go.

@dex. As a reminder DS is 46...hardly a youngster, but rather a responsible adult w/ children of his own. Dragging his feet and tying my hands while Mom keeps falling and firing her extra hours w/ aides is not the solution.