Among Friends

[Sadiesadie]

@KingstonsMom @Shanus: Perfectly said, @KingstonsMom. I had to move our mom into an adult care home while my sister was dragging her feet.

Our mom never forgave me but she loved the home I put her in and the 3 women who took care of her.

A lot of times she’d be in the Arizona room when I’d go over and I’d hear her talking and laughing. She'd take one look at me and immediately frown and let me know how awful I was and how she could take care of herself at home.

It never bothered me because I knew how happy she was and the kind, loving and gentle care she was getting.

As you said, tough love is still very much love.

[LTT1]

@Shanus said :

“My DS may need to take over this impossible, frustrating task. He tends to sugar coat the situation wanting to preserve her dignity more than looking out for her health & safety. 

As I’ve said here before, I

need to bow out and let him handle it even if nothing different happens. He can be the one to leave his office and run down there for falls, fired aides’ shifts and her health complaints that she’s not willing to handle herself. “

@Shanus

You’ve got the right idea! (The underlined part above)

I could tell you the saga of my mom’s spiral downward with dementia but it is long and pretty hairy. You might find parallels with your story, but i’m not sure.  If you can look more objectively at the situation (which comes years later) you might find comfort in the fact that you are “lucky” to have DS available to do the “inconvenient” running instead of you. 

Here were the “motivating” factors in my DM and DMIL cases:

MOM: took the car out into a field with a man and got lost in a cornfield; State Police had to find them and take them back to “Independent” living.

2) Again, over a “love affair” with same man (son of the residential manager at the retirement complex) 

moved to my state (TX) from a different state to try to force him to ??? (marry) her. I moved her and drove her all the way here where she created misery for a month and then begged my brother to move her back.

I HAD TO SLEEP WITH HER OVERNIGHT WHEN SHE BECAME LIKE A “GHOUL” IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT!!! 👽👺👹🧟‍♀️

DMIL: She went peacefully when moved because she said “Well, my sons have always known best and if they think I should then I guess i’d better go.”

THE TAKE-AWAY from my experience is that a series of circumstances led to critical decisions that needed to be addressed. HTH

[KingstonsMom]

@Sadiesadie

We went through this same thing with our elderly Grandmother and succumbed to her wishes to live alone, not wanting to 'upset' her.

The next thing we knew, she fell in her kitchen and on her way down, she hit her face on the handle of the fridge.

That resulted in her losing an eye and multiple facial fractures, requiring multiple surgeries and a lengthy hospital stay.

My family never forgave themselves for not doing what they knew needed to be done, just to keep her from being 'mad' at them or to spare her feelings.

Sadly, she later passed away in a nursing home.

[Tadaki]

---

@Pook wrote:

@Shanus  While you have her best interests in your wanting to take control and move her to assisted living, it is her life.  She does have some help and if that is all she wants,  at this point then it's her choice.  I had many go arounds with my dad about things like this and finally realized that if he would have been bullied and coerced to do what I felt was best for him then the rest of his life would have been pure hell for him.  I visited him several times a week,  called him any times daily, did his shopping and helped him as much as I could and worried a lot about him but he was happy in his own home with his cat and that is what he wanted.   He had some really great neighbors who would look in on him and help him.  I finally realized it wasn't about making my life easier and having less stresses and things to do but about his happiness.  We had so many good times once I stopped badgering him.  A time did come when he fell and was hospitalized.  He wanted to go right home when discharged but I more or less told him he needed to go to a nursing home for therapy and then he could get help at home so he could stay there.  He didn't believe me and our relationship changed after that until he passed several months later.   If I had taken control and forced him into an assisted living when I wanted to I feel sure he would not have survived as long as he did and I would have missed out on so many great times with him.  I still feel awful that I did not find a way to get him home sooner.  I went to see him daily but all he did was accuse me of putting him away and half the time refused to speak to me.  Being safer in an assisted living might be better for you but as long as she can stay home with help, just enjoy your relationship with her.   It's a tough thing to go through and I feel for you.  

---

I'm going through a similar situation with my aunt and recently read Being Mortal. He said the same things you have pointed out about safe versus happy. He also demonstrates how we haven't come very far in our assisted living to make it more comfortable for those accustomed to being independent. Like you, I'm thinking a hospitalization will be the turning point.  

[millieshops]

@ShanusWarm hugs to you -  you are in a warp of frustration and, I assume, fear.  I've been there and it's so hard.  

[evelyner]

I have the same situation. My mom is 90 and has someone 25 hours a week. She just called me at 1am bc of a strange noise. 

She too wants to stay home and refuses more help. I’m an only child and am lucky that 2 of my daughters live close by. 

My husband is 75 and we’re going on a 3 week trip soon and I am worried.

[KingstonsMom]

---

@maestra wrote:

@Shanus  Welcome to my world, only DM is 97, lives alone (her choice) and has NO aides (her choice). Thank God she no longer drives.

DB was given control of HPA, estate, finances and he is loath to have her leave her little 'den' of unbelievable messiness. I described it as what my dog Red's home would be like if he had a co-op apt.

I am helpless to anything but stand by and watch my DM slide into dementia (people are coming w/stolen keys into her place and using her makeup and stealing her jewelry). DB wants to maintain status quo; it's easier for him So be it.

---

@maestra

It's heartbreaking when there's nothing you can do.

(((HUGS))) to you.

[Sweet Caroline 1]

Shanus, on a positive note, I hope that your mom will think hard on the things she knows you are concerned about.  Maybe she will start making little changes and making better choices.  I hope so.  It is hard when you are older and your life suddenly gets turned on it's ear.  In time, she may come to you one day and tell you that shes ready to make the change.  God's blessings on your mother and family.

[Shanus]

---

@hayseed00 wrote:

By your Mom's resistance to your ideas it sounds like she is trying to still maintain her independence even though it is destroying her health and stressing you out to the max. 

as long as your mom is able to make her own choices as destructive as they are to her health there isn't much you can do at this point.  It's so frustrating to watch someones health go downhill, because in your mind and heart you know the situation will just get worse.   I think if it is agreeable to your son it might be a good decision to let him assist you in a larger capacity  this might alleviate some of the daily pressure off you, and he can get a good view of what's really going on with your mom.  Maybe he can sway her to come and live closer.  I also went through a similar time when my mom was ill, and it really sucked !!!!  Keep strong girl !!!!!

---

@hayseed00  This morning my son copied me an email he sent to Mom. “.... he understood her resistance to move and wanting to remain independent. Hopes the door is open to further discuss options w/ her.....” ya da ya da. I spoke to him this morning (after 3 hrs. sleep...had a party to go to last night, of all days) and laid out my feelings for him. I explained negotiations would get him nowhere and she’s 90 w/ limited help and too far away for me to be willing to continue, under the circumstances of her selfishishness, my weekly and sometimes two or three times weekly trips down there.

I also said I was not going to put the loving relationship I have w/ him in jeopardy because his Grandma refuses to care for herself or allow us to step in and make rational decisions for her. Furthermore, I’d be more than happy to bow out and leave it all to him. He can negotiate for years and get nowhere, but she’s 90. How much time can he afford to wait until she comes around on her own? I’m a proactive thinker and person. Something needs to be taken care of, I do it...no pu*sy footing around. I needed him to understand she’s my Mother. I wasn’t going to sit by and listen to him sugar coat things to her, give her options. She’s proven that’s not working. Yesterday she talked about driving again and I’m not going through all that again especially when he didn’t answer her w/ a firm NO and take the keys. I no longer want the responsibility or guilt of this “going nowhere” situation and would be more than happy to arrange for him instead of me to receive all her medical records, leave work to attend doc visits, accompany her to countless endoscopies to remove bleeding sores in her stomach & small intestine, the result of taking meds without water or food which leaves her chronically anemic. Yes, I hate to read how bitter I’m sounding. I’ve been dealing with this alone for over 10 years....5 years before my Dad passed away and the 5 years since. I’m tired, weary. I’m also disappointed that my DS’s offer to help did nothing but prolong this unbearable situation. So, sorry for long post, let him carry the ball until it drops on his head, it’s too late and the guilt of waiting too long is on his hands not mine.

[haddon9]

Keep in mind that when one is unhappy it affects their health too.

Just because she might be safer in an assisted facility near you doesn't mean that she will be happier.  A friend of my brother's moved his mom to an assisted facility close to him.  She had been in one for many years about two hours away. 

She was resistant about moving and once she did she missed her friends.  She passed after living there for less than two months.

My own mother refuses to move up here to us.  Of course I told her about all of the advantages...she can see the grandkids regularly, I can visit often and keep an eye on things plus take her our occasionally.  BUT she prefers to stay where she is in south Florida with her aides.  I can only suggest but cannot force her to move.  She'll be 92 next month and has many issues too.

We can only do our best.  It's a difficult thing when they don't want to cooperate.