Among Friends

[Shanus]

---

@Sooner wrote:

---

@YorkieonmyPillow wrote:

@Sooner  Likely as not, your Mother knew exactly what was going on but was willing to pay for the privilege.

---

@YorkieonmyPillow  NO she was being robbed blind by people who lied to her and cheated her.  She did NOT see what was going on at all.  It is a whole cottage industry with people like this who take elderly people to the cleaners.  And they are GOOD at what they do. 

---

@Sooner  We have the advantage of DH being her accountant. He can check her bank account online and see her check stubs to list contributions, so can look for any patterns of questionable payments. 

We did have an incident when Mom gave an aide her VISA card to pick up some groceries. She was away way too long for just bread, milk, eggs. When she returned an hour later, she claimed to have “lost” the card. Mom called us to repeat the story. Instead of waiting to see if strange charges appeared, I just canceled the card. A new one was overnighted to her. Very suspicious that the aide quit the agency the next day. Guilty, not sure, but safe for Mom just the same. Mom now gets cash from bank next to dining room and gives cash when they go food shopping or pick up meds.

[Shanus]

---

@Greeneyedlady21 wrote:

I have no judgement or opinion on your life and your decisions. Not my place AT ALL. I took care of my mother for over three years. For the last nine months of that she was in hospice at home with terminal cancer. I made it possible for her to live out the end of her life in her home the way she wanted. Looking back I don't know how I ever got through it. But I did. In the midst of my extremely painful grief I'm still trying to "recover" from being a caregiver. Still trying to somehow accept the notion that I deserve to take care of myself. As women we are brainwashed that we don't deserve that, that everyone else comes first. I'm getting professional help with that because I have to. That notion is seen in these forums constantly, in the judgemental comments about caregiving and about women who do it who "dare" to think of themselves. You can put others before yourself to the point that it kills you. If not physically then mentally, emotionally.

The only opinion I'll offer is that it is far far worse if financial issues are limiting choices. My mother (and my father) made decisions about money that had a terrible impact on their future lives. That's not disrespecting my parents, it's just the truth. So at least from a financial perspective, you are very fortunate to have so many options. I understand that it doesn't change the emotional issues. But stress about money is huge, and it has affected my physical and mental health as well. It's just wrong to do that to your kids (in my case just me because my brothers did nothing) when the money should have been there but parents just made such poor decisions. It's worse than I could ever say here, because that's private.

---

@Greeneyedlady21  I do understand that. The women who lived in the apartment next to Mom had to move out and live w/ her daughter up north. When her husband passed away, his will left most of the money to children from 1st marriage 40 yrs. ago...She never knew that. Poor financial decisions or ignorance of financial situations can make dealing w/ parents more difficult.

More importantly, I’m sorry for your loss and hope the counseling you’ve sought is making you feel better about decisions you’ve made.

Shanus

[AussieLuvr]

Well, as time went on and the emotional aftermath calmed and faded, I kind of lost interest. Maybe I should finish it.

[VaBelle35]

At the Sunrise Assisted Living where my Uncle lived, everything was billed to you, so residents never needed cash.

If they went to Applebees for lunch, they would put it on the next bill.  If he got a haircut, it was put on his bill.

The only things he needed cash or check for was his church offerings and their outtings to the Dollar Store, and he used his Visa when they went to Target or Walmart.

If he asked someone to get him a grocery item, it would be billed to him.  There was no exchange of money or credit cards with employees.

And believe me, my mother scrutinized every bill that came in and checked his wallet for the cash and credit cards every week before he went on his outtings just because people are always coming and going, there are no locks on their doors.

[Group 5 minus 1]

Several retirement communities have banks on the premises. Mom would walk down and withdraw what she needed,but we did her various accounts.

[Shanus]

---

@Group 5 minus 1 wrote:

Several retirement communities have banks on the premises. Mom would walk down and withdraw what she needed,but we did her various accounts.

---

@Group 5 minus 1  Yes, DH keeps an eye on her accounts online. She checks her Visa w/ regularity. We may start monitoring that, as well. She’s started not signing receipts, or leaving dates off checks, etc.