UPDATE ON THE BIG TALK WITH MOM

Shanus · ‎05-17-2010

The discussion went exactly as I had predicted. She refuses to leave her independent living situation and move to Assisted Living there or closer to us. She agreed to have more hours from the aides to help her in the evening, get dinner, shower (maybe) & help settle her for the night. Although my son and I realized she’s still alone from 1 until 5 and again all night when she can still fall or worse, we took what we could get. We left after lunch feeling exhausted and defeated...a trip wasted that accomplished little.

By the time I arrived home, there was a short & to the point email waiting for us. She had reconsidered and adding “Girls” to her schedule would mean new and different ones each day pulled from other long shifts. She doesn’t want to change the way things are now.

Before our trip down, I let him know that he has not been dealing w/ her daily as I have. I have her medical records set up on my computer and can see how many UTIs, repeat MRSA outbreaks and active sinus infections...all not cured because she either doesn’t finish the antibiotics: the “antibiotics upset my stomach so I stopped taking them”, lack of personal hygiene and fear of going to the doctor when necessary. She weighs 20 lbs. more than she told us when questioned about her poor diet consisting of snacks and sweets. None of this will change unless she is no longer in independent living, but a situation where she is monitored. That’s not happening any time soon.

My DS may need to take over this impossible, frustrating task. He tends to sugar coat the situation wanting to preserve her dignity more than looking out for her health & safety. While I wanted to not give her a choice about the necessity of moving when I realized how this “negotiation” was headed downhill, he was afraid to hurt his Grandma’s feelings. His way will result in more frequent trips down there as the time goes by and more health issues increase.

I was was aggravated and disappointed after this pointless discussion. Now I’m in a position of having to go along w/ my son’s way of handling her which is hurry up and wait or taking control and risking my relationship with him.

As I’ve said here before, I need to bow out and let him handle it even if nothing different happens. He can be the one to leave his office and run down there for falls, fired aides’ shifts and her health complaints that she’s not willing to handle herself.

So that’s where it stands from yesterday’s (Saturday’s) discussion....no different than the way it was on Friday or the many months and years before that.

We’ll just have to see if he reaches the point where I am now and just say “enough”. Then he’ll have to approach it with a much firmer stance or back away as I have learned to do. It’s a fruitless endeavor.

Jtdmum · ‎03-17-2010

Boy Shanus, You have your work cut out for you. I had to work this out with my mom and afer she passed my Aunt.

With Mom, my sisters and I took turns staying with her. That was ok by her. She passed after about 6 months. We still couldn't get her to go for treatments or eat but were at least releived that she had somebody with her at all times. I think she was refusing treatments because of her vanity. She was losing her hair (dialysis) and didn't want to be seen. She was always very proud, impecably dressed and charismatic. When you live 80 years like that, adding independent to the list, it's impossible to change the behaviour.

With my aunt, she fell (I was right there when she did) and I had to get her to the ER where I had to put her POA into effect and put her in rehab, Assisted living (was a joke) and ultimately a nursing home. All decisions that were heartbreaking.

I hope this works out for you quickly. Many prayers and good thoughts. Take good care of *yourself* during this. It's hard to do and the guilt is awful but it's so important to be sure to take that time for yourself!

KingstonsMom · ‎03-09-2010

@Shanus

You need to tell your son that 'tough love is still love'.

You have HER best interests at heart re: her health, diet and hygiene, while he is more concerned with hurting her feelings.

How will he feel if the worst happens when she's alone?

At least you'll know that you tried your best.

(((HUGS))) to you!

You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.

I am still oxox · ‎03-09-2010

It is not an easy road, I was lucky my folks accepted the help, and stayed at home with full time live in

There comes a point when the family has to step in and "take charge" when it get to the point where she is not longer "competent it might be too late.

It is the time for Tough Love

Stop being afraid of what could go wrong and start being positive what could go right.

Shanus · ‎05-17-2010

@Jtdmum wrote:
Boy Shanus, You have your work cut out for you. I had to work this out with my mom and afer she passed my Aunt.
With Mom, my sisters and I took turns staying with her. That was ok by her. She passed after about 6 months. We still couldn't get her to go for treatments or eat but were at least releived that she had somebody with her at all times. I think she was refusing treatments because of her vanity. She was losing her hair (dialysis) and didn't want to be seen. She was always very proud, impecably dressed and charismatic. When you live 80 years like that, adding independent to the list, it's impossible to change the behaviour.

With my aunt, she fell (I was right there when she did) and I had to get her to the ER where I had to put her POA into effect and put her in rehab, Assisted living (was a joke) and ultimately a nursing home. All decisions that were heartbreaking.

I hope this works out for you quickly. Many prayers and good thoughts. Take good care of *yourself* during this. It's hard to do and the guilt is awful but it's so important to be sure to take that time for yourself!

Thanks @Jtdmum for sharing your experiences and your prayers.

jackthebear · ‎03-11-2010

BTDT

unfortunately, in these scenarios, something will happen that will make the decision FOR HER, and there is not much we can do, unless the person wants to change; and make their own decisions.

as for moving, . if all is in place vis a vis Dr.s etc better to have her stay there, but move to ALF

I think moving could be really upsetting depending on the mental status of the person

hope you get some resolutions

hayseed00 · ‎11-24-2011

By your Mom's resistance to your ideas it sounds like she is trying to still maintain her independence even though it is destroying her health and stressing you out to the max.

as long as your mom is able to make her own choices as destructive as they are to her health there isn't much you can do at this point. It's so frustrating to watch someones health go downhill, because in your mind and heart you know the situation will just get worse. I think if it is agreeable to your son it might be a good decision to let him assist you in a larger capacity this might alleviate some of the daily pressure off you, and he can get a good view of what's really going on with your mom. Maybe he can sway her to come and live closer. I also went through a similar time when my mom was ill, and it really sucked !!!! Keep strong girl !!!!!

squeaks · ‎03-11-2010

Sorry to hear of your difficulties with your mom. Did you ever consider a monitor? I have a friend whose mom lives several states from her and she has a monitor. There are different types and prices for them.

Pook · ‎03-20-2010

@Shanus While you have her best interests in your wanting to take control and move her to assisted living, it is her life. She does have some help and if that is all she wants, at this point then it's her choice. I had many go arounds with my dad about things like this and finally realized that if he would have been bullied and coerced to do what I felt was best for him then the rest of his life would have been pure hell for him. I visited him several times a week, called him any times daily, did his shopping and helped him as much as I could and worried a lot about him but he was happy in his own home with his cat and that is what he wanted. He said we all have to die sometime and he preferred to stay home even if it meant he might have falls or medical issues. He had some really great neighbors who would look in on him and help him. I finally realized it wasn't about making my life easier and having less stresses and things to do but about his happiness. We had so many good times once I stopped badgering him. A time did come when he fell and was hospitalized. He wanted to go right home when discharged but I more or less told him he needed to go to a nursing home for therapy and then he could get help at home so he could stay there. He didn't believe me and our relationship changed after that until he passed several months later. If I had taken control and forced him into an assisted living when I wanted to I feel sure he would not have survived as long as he did and I would have missed out on so many great times with him. I still feel awful that I did not find a way to get him home sooner. I went to see him daily but all he did was accuse me of putting him away and half the time refused to speak to me. Being safer in an assisted living might be better for you but as long as she can stay home with help, just enjoy your relationship with her. It's a tough thing to go through and I feel for you.

maestra · ‎03-09-2010

@Shanus Welcome to my world, only DM is 97, lives alone (her choice) and has NO aides (her choice). Thank God she no longer drives.

DB was given control of HPA, estate, finances and he is loath to have her leave her little 'den' of unbelievable messiness. I described it as what my dog Red's home would be like if he had a co-op apt.

I am helpless to anything but stand by and watch my DM slide into dementia (people are coming w/stolen keys into her place and using her makeup and stealing her jewelry). DB wants to maintain status quo; it's easier for him So be it.