Among Friends

[dulwich]

The few times we have been told ‘no gifts’ and have not taken a gift to find nearly everyone else has brought a gift which are oohed and aahed over all piled up on a side table - me feeling like a total skinflint!

[Bridgegal]

Interesting.. I just read all responses and only 2 people actually answered OP's question.  Read people!!

[NYC Susan]

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@magicmoodz wrote:

I am always amazed to read the responses when this topic comes up. In my world "no gifts" does NOT mean no gifts.  I truly think how we personally  address this issue is based on where we live (regional) and our circle of friends and family.

No gifts to me means don't go traipsing through Nordstrom looking for a silk scarf or a silk tie you think the recipient might like. Instead a gift card to a new restaurant, a bottle of champagne or wine, a gift card to a favorite bookstore are all suitable no gift gifts.

It is simply not acceptable TO ME to be invited to a party and arrive empty-handed. It's really no different than being invited to someone's home for dinner where you would bring a bottle of wine and/or a floral arrangement...or maybe I am assuming too much here.

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I know the OP was asking what to write on the card and not for opinions about bringing a gift.  And I know her event has already passed.  But this thread has gone off the rails already, so I thought it would be okay to reply about the "no gifts" thing.

I'm like you - I don't go anywhere without bringing something.  A bottle of wine or a platter of cookies from a good bakery, something along those lines.  I remember my Mom receiving actual "hostess gifts" when she entertained.  A marble cheese board or pretty coasters or cocktail napkins, etc.  This was when people came to our home for dinner or a holiday or even just a more casual get-together.  And we never went anywhere without my parents bringing something.  So I grew up with that.  

I wouldn't walk into a "no gifts" party with an actual gift.  I might put a gift card for a restaurant inside a birthday card.  Nothing showy, just discreet  Or I might send flowers to their home the next day, with a "Thank you for a wonderful time" note.  I just know that I would feel I had to do something to at least thank them for their hospitality.

[CrazyDaisy]

OK let me get this right.....If an invitations says "no gifts"  you need to go out and get them something anyway.  If an invitation tells you what they would like as a gift, it is just a "gift (money) grab".  Why do people make life so complicated.  I like to do what the invitation requests.

[sidsmom]

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@CrazyDaisy wrote:

OK let me get this right.....If an invitations says "no gifts"  you need to go out and get them something anyway.  If an invitation tells you what they would like as a gift, it is just a "gift (money) grab".  Why do people make life so complicated.  I like to do what the invitation requests.

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This!☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️
Repost for emphasis!

And this summer we've been riddled with 'how dare they' threads

where the wedded couple:

-asks for money and

-gives the guest a gift register.

Both are met with the same emotion if they would've said no gifts:

-gives them money and

-gives them an unwanted gift

So giggle worthy!

People are weird.

[reiki604]

I was once at an 85 yo birthday party where no gifts were specified on the invite. Of course there were some folks who ignored the request and brought cards and gifts anyway. During the evening when the birthday boy was giving a thank you speech for everyone coming to celebrate, he also said "I'm also going to thank you on behalf of the wait staff who will be getting all the gifts I asked you not to bring." It was amazing how few gifts were left on the table when it was time to leave.

[speedy girl]

I would put a little cash in her card ( that way she won't have to feel bad about cashing your check) and I would just say "But yourself a little something special". Everyone can use a little cash! 

[magicmoodz]

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@reiki604 wrote:

I was once at an 85 yo birthday party where no gifts were specified on the invite. Of course there were some folks who ignored the request and brought cards and gifts anyway. During the evening when the birthday boy was giving a thank you speech for everyone coming to celebrate, he also said "I'm also going to thank you on behalf of the wait staff who will be getting all the gifts I asked you not to bring." It was amazing how few gifts were left on the table when it was time to leave.

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@reiki604 This is quite possibly the most classless act of gratitude I have ever heard. But like I said, we all hang in different circles.

[Peaches McPhee]

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@dulwich wrote:

The few times we have been told ‘no gifts’ and have not taken a gift to find nearly everyone else has brought a gift which are oohed and aahed over all piled up on a side table - me feeling like a total skinflint!

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You are not a skinflint @dulwich .  You are one of the only ones who knows how to follow directions and respect your friends' requests.

[Nonametoday]

"I know you said 'no gifts' but just in case you want to tip the wait staff, thought I'd help" and then make it a nice monetary gift.