Among Friends

[blankette]

I feel very unsettled that a very close family member ONLY communicates by email. Will never call, or visit, just absolutely evades genuine contact. I feel the tone of the emails are always very frivilous and lack depth, in fact I feel that this person is just keeping their foot in the door with me so they wont look like a failure in the eyes of other relatives that said person is trying to impress.

Still family is not to be tossed but boy I sure feel like it,  I honestly hate , hate having to keep this pretentious "relationship" going. I guess I am enabling by responding? Normally when I talk to this person they have allot of impatience and attitude, I just hate this, I really do! Any suggestions.

[CalminHeart]

You will need to take the first step if you want a deeper relationship.  Invite this person to meet you somewhere for lunch or coffee.  Keep it light and carefree at first and work your way to deeper conversation through a series of coffees or lunches.   baby steps.  And the attitude you think you get may really be shyness, feeling insecure, or even feeling intimidated by you.   

[lolakimono]

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@blankette wrote:

I feel very unsettled that a very close family member ONLY communicates by email. Will never call, or visit, just absolutely evades genuine contact. I feel the tone of the emails are always very frivilous and lack depth, in fact I feel that this person is just keeping their foot in the door with me so they wont look like a failure in the eyes of other relatives that said person is trying to impress.

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Start sending them forwards, jokes, and chain letters.  

[Suzeecat]

Does this person perhaps have a social anxiety issue?  Maybe they are trying to communicate the only way that they feel comfortable doing so.  It's better than no contact, and if they send something inappropriate or unwanted, there's no need to respond.

[occasionalrain]

Not everyone is the same. Allow others to communicate as they prefer without judgement or assuming you know their motovation.

[Lucky Charm]

Well, on the one hand, the emails are light and frivolous, but thru genuine contact the close family member has a lot of impatience and attitude. 

So I'm wondering why the emails bother you?  Isn't it better than the confrontational episodes face to face?

Any way you can point this out to them?  Like 'Hey, last time we saw each other, you were pretty upset about blah blah blah.'  See how they respond?

I would rather hate to see someone face to face who is always got a bad attitude and would rather get the nicer emails!

[PenneyT]

How is keeping in contact with you impressing a relative? Just trying to understand.?.

I guess lots of people have a preferred method of communicating. What you see as 'pretentious' may be light and easy to someone else. Why is e-mail communicating upsetting to you? And have you TOLD this close family member this, they may have no idea because e-mailing is an acceptable way.

[151949]

We are only getting one side of the story here. I can think of a hundred various stories that could be going on, and either side , or both could be in the wrong. But we will never know because we are only hearing a very carefully worded version of one side.

[goodstuff]

I think a lot of people are addicted to their electronic devices and in the habit of communicating through them.  DH and I were just discussing how few phone calls we get from friends nowadays; most people email or Facebook.  Also, some people who are shy or have social anxieties find it much easier to avoid group gatherings and face-to-face encounters.

I'm not sure why you seem to be offended or threatened by this relative's commuication habits.  If you'd rather meet with this family member in person, why not ask him out for coffee or dinner and spend time face to face?  Or if you'd rather not communicate with him, just ignore his emails?

Email is a two-way sport, and if you don't keep up your end of the game, it won't continue.

[gmkb]

Excellent advice 'occasionalrain'.