Among Friends

[chrystaltree]

Unless there was a serious and compelling reason for choosing you alone as executor of your father's will, you father should have told your bother so that when he passed, this type of thing would not have happened.  It came as shock to your bother.  Your sister in law is exactly who she is and who she has always been.  You shouldn't be surprised by her response to the executor thing.  Like it or not a death in family usually brings out the worst when someone believes they have been overlooked.  Just give your brother the death certificate, what is the point in making matters worse then they are?  Do you really want to sink to your sister in law's level?  If you want to know if your bother is going to help clean out your father's room...pick up the phone and ask him.  Although once again, your father might have inadvertenly cause yet anothe problem if didn't specify which of you gets what.  Just saying that you each get half even amongst siblings who get along beautifuly.  I can't see where anything really awful was done to you.  She screamed at you, I assume you screamed back.  You are the executor of the will and there's nothing anyone can do about that.  As for the nephew, if the kid is young, he is only doing what his mom told him to do.  If he's older, then he has sided with his mother in all of this and the loss is his.  Things like this tend to blow over with time so you don't want to make matters worse.  

[mom2four0418]

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@esmerelda wrote:

@mom2four0418  In most states, only certain people are entitled to buy certified death certificates: close relatives, the executor of the estate, or someone who is inheriting from the deceased person. 

This is according to alllaw.com.

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That is not the case in my state. But, even if the OP is executor in a state with the law that you cited, her brother would not need to disclose why the certified death certificate is being obtained. Thanks very much for the info!

[Drythe]

@hyacinth003 

As others have said, why would he want a copy of the death certificate?  I would CALL your brother and ask HIM.  IF he doesn’t give you a good reason, I would give him the name and address of the Funeral home and let him follow up on getting one.

I would also contact the insurance company and reaffirm with them that YOU are their contact, and that ALL conversations and  dispursments

should come to YOU ONLY.  

You have been been given some good advice, example post #37 as to what you need to do with the items in the nursing home, etc.

Finally, I want to say, your Father Trusted you to manage this.  So, He Respected YOUR judgement, and knew you would handle his estate Fairly.  That means just that, Not that you need to take directions from your SIL via email, or follow up on her pressures.  By handing in the keys, ignoring you at the Mass, planning it without you, etc. I think your SIL has given you a clear indication of her feelings, towards you, whether you understand them or not.  Personally, I would ignore her requests, and proceed with the management and execution of your Fathers estate as you see fit.

 I would send an email to her and your brother stating a firm request that in FUTURE you to be contacted directly by him only via telephone.  That way you will know requests are really his, not made by her with, or without his consent. If he doesn’t care enough to call you, then there is your answer, use your judgement.  Your Father trusted you, and choose you, that means he knew you would know what was right and use your own good judgement.

I really think your Father’s  intention was that your Judgement is correct, and that you should follow your own instincts...

period.  

best wishes

[Sooner]

In my experience, anyone who is involved in the estate gets death certificates.  They ask you how many you need, I can't remember if there is a charge.  Some are, I think, free--as I remember.

This isn't a big deal, but everyone who is in the estate should get copies.  You never know when you might get one.  I have them for parents, in-laws, etc.  All children in any deaths we were involved in got them as a routine matter. 

[hyacinth003]

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@chrystaltree wrote:

Unless there was a serious and compelling reason for choosing you alone as executor of your father's will, you father should have told your bother so that when he passed, this type of thing would not have happened.  It came as shock to your bother.  Your sister in law is exactly who she is and who she has always been.  You shouldn't be surprised by her response to the executor thing.  Like it or not a death in family usually brings out the worst when someone believes they have been overlooked.  Just give your brother the death certificate, what is the point in making matters worse then they are?  Do you really want to sink to your sister in law's level?  If you want to know if your bother is going to help clean out your father's room...pick up the phone and ask him.  Although once again, your father might have inadvertenly cause yet anothe problem if didn't specify which of you gets what.  Just saying that you each get half even amongst siblings who get along beautifuly.  I can't see where anything really awful was done to you.  She screamed at you, I assume you screamed back.  You are the executor of the will and there's nothing anyone can do about that.  As for the nephew, if the kid is young, he is only doing what his mom told him to do.  If he's older, then he has sided with his mother in all of this and the loss is his.  Things like this tend to blow over with time so you don't want to make matters worse.  

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@chrystaltree 

My brother WAS told who the executor was.  It was his WIFE who looked at the Will and assumed it was both of us.  That was HER interpretation.  I have known for 10 years and so has my brother.  It came as a shock to me when sister-in-law said her copy of the Will named both of us.  It was the very same Will, but with HER interpretation.  I called the attorney next day to check it out.

No, I didn't scream back at her.  I was super shocked.  All I did was ask WHY she was so angry, and said she didn't have to be.  She just rambled on about thinking my brother was co-executor and that they would be involved.  She ended up hanging up on me and has not spoken a word to me since.  She ignored me and my family at the Mass and luncheon.  I was ready to greet her and she turned around on me, and ignored us at the restaurant table.

My brother had told me he would help with my dad's things when he returned from Florida.  It was a couple days later that the assisted living people called me to say they had turned in their keys and said they would never be back again.  Then said it was all up to me from then after.  I will talk to him and ask, and if he refuses, I will do whatever to get the things out of there.  Either call a donation center or hire someone and charge the estate.  He may not have wanted to contradict her at the assisted living.  We shall see.

He is in Florida, so he wrote me an email asking for death certificates.  I replied I would send them, but asked to Florida or Illinois.  I also sent a detailed email on something else I put in motion for us as beneficiaries.  I need a copy of his driver's license to send for HIM to obtain money from an account.  They will send it directly to him, but I have to prove I am trustee and executor. 

I have "talked" on this board, but have said or done nothing offensive to anyone.

Hyacinth

[hyacinth003]

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@RedTop wrote:
Since your brother and SIL have read the will and know everything is a 50/50 split, there is no reason for them to create an issue.

Your SIL just can't let go of the fact she doesn't get to be involved and call any shots. This settlement is truly none of her business.

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@RedTop 

Yes, true.  I will do all the work, and my brother will get half of everything.  I would never betray my father's trust.

Hyacinth

[sidsmom]

I’m grasping for straws here since I know nothing about nothing

when it’s estate stuff:

Is there a timing issue to get this done ASAP?

Before year end?

Maybe that’s why she’s wanting to push this along. 

Thoughts?

[Lucky Charm]

I didn't read all the responses and believe me --mine isn't going to be a popular one.

If the SIL is being a beach and the brother is going along with it, I'd move in slow motion.

It seems this could be the end of your relationship with your brother---really?  

If it's 'like that', I'd move even slooower.

[AuntG]

@hyacinth003 you do not deserve such treatment. I'd tell you to abide by the letter of the law, be civil to them, and if you can't move your dad's stuff alone, hire it done and have the money come out of the estate. Remain a class act! I suspect your brother knows you are a good person, but is pressured by his wife.

[homedecor1]

@hyacinth003 

From my perspective & I've read thru yours and a few others --it always amazes me how family relationships turn ugly and stressful during these times☹️.

Before my dad passed (he was sick for awhile), he had a vast estate so he sat the 3 us down and let all of us know his wishes with his estate.  It was to be divided equally, vehicles & homes sold.  He also had allowance provided for his funeral expenses.

Sadly, it didn't go as planned?🤬.  My siblings & I were always close but after this (and to this day) I still think there is "underlying" resentment because I was "executor"!  In fact, I didn't take the fee associated with this "job".  

By the time it was settled I was exhausted from the stress & glad it was over.

Try to take a deep breath, give them what they want & get it over...that's the best advice I can give you so you can grieve the loss of your dad🌹