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Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,442
Registered: ‎03-12-2010

Tell me not to!

[ Edited ]

I have made 2 posts about my dad's passing and the way my sister-in-law (only brother's wife) has treated me.  First she screamed at me when informed I was sole executor of his trust and will.  She had read the will and misinterpreted it as my brother (her husband) was a co-executor.  Then at the Mass and luncheon afterward, she totally ignored me, my husband, and my daughter.  Totally ignored all of us - others did notice.  I sent my nephew (their son) a birthday card and check as a gift.  I have not been thanked nor has the check been cashed - not cashing check VERY unusual.

 

I learned she and my brother turned in their keys to my dad's room at the assisted living center.  The lady there called me and said they told her they were never coming back and his things were now my responsibility only.  The room is still full of furniture, and my brother had told me he would help after getting back from Florida.  So, now I don't know what the truth is - he will help and not tell her, or he actually will not help.  He is a half beneficiary, so he is entitled to half of everything.

 

I have been working very hard at executor duties.  I notified my dad's company of a life insurance claim.  My brother and I each get half.  I received my letter today requiring a copy of his death certificate.  I have them as executor.  I also received an email from my brother in Florida today asking for copies of the death certificate.  No doubt his wife received a similar letter today also.

 

My inner devil says slow walk any requests, my inner angel says don't be petty.  After being completely ignored for what I believe is totally unreasonable, I don't want to acommodate her in any way.  I will do it, but take my time.  I have been wondering now if my brother will dump me (due to his wife) after our dad's estate is settled.

 

I want to do right by my dad, but the insults have just kept coming.  At what point is enough, enough?

 

Hyacinth

Super Contributor
Posts: 280
Registered: ‎05-24-2010

Re: Tell me not to!

I went through a similar situation in my family. It did not end well, and my siblings and I went our separate ways. I really feel bad for you, but you did not do anything wrong, so please don't let your sister in law make you feel otherwise. It is really sad the way money destroys families. It is senseless, and yet it happens over and over. Your brother will get half of everything, so he has an obligation to help you. If he doesn't want to do that then hire someone to help and tell hm you will remove one half of the expense from his portion of the inheritance. 

 

You can be pleasant but firm. Good luck I will be sending good thoughts your way.

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 7,956
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Tell me not to!

Tell you not to....what?

 

you don’t want to give your brother a copy of the death certificate?

 

if that’s it, I don’t see what the issue is.  Have recently been through the deaths of both my husband and my dad, and these documents were given to relevant family members, no questions asked 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 35,469
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: Tell me not to!

[ Edited ]

@hyacinth003.  Just keep telling yourself, "This too will pass".  Things will resume some semblance of normalcy, although it remains to be seen if your relationship with your brother has been irrepirably broken.  That depends on your SIL and her sour attitude.  That's her problem.  I'd just act like it never happened and be nice as pie.  She's the crazy one.

New Mexico☀️Land Of Enchantment
Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,064
Registered: ‎09-15-2016

Re: Tell me not to!

Send the death certificate  promptly...you'll feel better knowing you did the right thing. Dealing with death brings out the worst in some people, I don't understand it but it happens all the time. Sorry for your loss....Blessings @hyacinth003 

Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,442
Registered: ‎03-12-2010

Re: Tell me not to!


@september wrote:

Tell you not to....what?

 

you don’t want to give your brother a copy of the death certificate?

 

if that’s it, I don’t see what the issue is.  Have recently been through the deaths of both my husband and my dad, and these documents were given to relevant family members, no questions asked 


@september 

 

No, I will give him a copy or copies of the death certificate.  I believe it is my obligation to do so.

 

I meant I have complied with every one of their requests promptly.  I went along with the date only they arranged for the Mass, even though I would have wanted to do it later.  They never asked me and just scheduled it so wife could make a flight already scheduled to Florida the day after the Mass.  It was extremely difficult for me to arrange everything under that time pressure (cremation, personalized urn, etc.) They picked out Mass cards without consulting me and then she screamed at me to go pick them up after learning I was executor.  I didn't even know where they purchased them.  She ignored me and my family at all events.  I asked my brother for his input on the services, picking out the urn, choosing flowers, his choice of room contents, etc.  I was just told "do what you want."

 

I just meant that she is now in a hurry to collect the life insurance and must have a certified death certificate.  She does all the business in the marriage.  So I know she must have told him to email me and ask for copies.  I could do it really quickly or more slowly.  I guess I am sometimes tired of being a punching bag and still being nice.

 

Hyacinth

Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,442
Registered: ‎03-12-2010

Re: Tell me not to!


@manny2 wrote:

I went through a similar situation in my family. It did not end well, and my siblings and I went our separate ways. I really feel bad for you, but you did not do anything wrong, so please don't let your sister in law make you feel otherwise. It is really sad the way money destroys families. It is senseless, and yet it happens over and over. Your brother will get half of everything, so he has an obligation to help you. If he doesn't want to do that then hire someone to help and tell hm you will remove one half of the expense from his portion of the inheritance. 

 

You can be pleasant but firm. Good luck I will be sending good thoughts your way.


@manny2 

 

Thanks for the thoughts.  I wish it was about money - that I might understand.  But I really don't believe it is.  It is all about CONTROL and some feeling she gets from it.  Even though it comes through my brother, she would still do it all.

 

She resents being out of the loop as she sees it.  She figured she could have all information, documents, and part control if my brother was co-executor.  Since it is only myself, everything goes through me, and she is really furious over it.  She told me she "loved him like a father."  Well, he was my father, and that's why I am having constant headaches and being completely inclusive of my brother and polite.

 

Being an executor is really just a lot of work.  There is little glory, but she wants it anyway for her own reasons.

 

Hyacinth

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,683
Registered: ‎04-23-2010

Re: Tell me not to!


@hyacinth003 wrote:

@september wrote:

Tell you not to....what?

 

you don’t want to give your brother a copy of the death certificate?

 

if that’s it, I don’t see what the issue is.  Have recently been through the deaths of both my husband and my dad, and these documents were given to relevant family members, no questions asked 


@september 

 

No, I will give him a copy or copies of the death certificate.  I believe it is my obligation to do so.

 

I meant I have complied with every one of their requests promptly.  I went along with the date only they arranged for the Mass, even though I would have wanted to do it later.  They never asked me and just scheduled it so wife could make a flight already scheduled to Florida the day after the Mass.  It was extremely difficult for me to arrange everything under that time pressure (cremation, personalized urn, etc.) They picked out Mass cards without consulting me and then she screamed at me to go pick them up after learning I was executor.  I didn't even know where they purchased them.  She ignored me and my family at all events.  I asked my brother for his input on the services, picking out the urn, choosing flowers, his choice of room contents, etc.  I was just told "do what you want."

 

I just meant that she is now in a hurry to collect the life insurance and must have a certified death certificate.  She does all the business in the marriage.  So I know she must have told him to email me and ask for copies.  I could do it really quickly or more slowly.  I guess I am sometimes tired of being a punching bag and still being nice.

 

I have been the executor for three family estates involving two countries, and many years. The sooner you complete the tasks, the better for all concerned. You agreed to do this for your father, and that is really all that matters. I do know how ugly "family" members can be. If you do not feel that you can deal with them, consider hiring an attorney to help. It is well worth the expense.


 

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 7,956
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Tell me not to!

@hyacinth003    If a certified copy is needed by a family member, just give it to them.  Been there and done that, too 

 

I know how hard this time is for you, but you have to put personal feelings aside and take care of “business” so to speak...

 

If you don’t, things will go from bad to worse 

Regular Contributor
Posts: 229
Registered: ‎05-02-2017

Re: Tell me not to!

 

 

In the past, did you and your SIL have a strong, positive relationship?

All this family drama sounds like it has been simmering for a while.

I think it would be difficult to have a good relationship with your brother and his children if you do not get along well with his wife.

 

I am not clear that I understand what exactly are the insults.

 

Deaths make everybody crazy with emotion. Some people just do not want to deal with the details. Others just want it all to be over with. I cannot see fault with people wanting to work around schedules.  

 

Yes, the executor does get stuck with all the work.  

I live far away from family; every time someone passes the others make all the arrangements and I just show up as soon as I am able.

 

It is best to carry on and be true to your convictions. The most important thing is that all of you loved your father and all of you will miss him! Hopefully precious family memories will help to soothe this stressful process.