Among Friends

[Vickyjo]

i totally agree with you, my 93 year old father in law is the same way. He lives in a mother daughter house with us so we basically see him all the time. He is very independent and takes care of himself. He has become very negative and opioniated about everything. I try to remember my early years of marriage and how he was always there for us. He thinks we are out to take his money from him. I feel bad for my husband,since he has no siblings and this is the last of his living relatives. It is what it is. At least he's not sickly and dependent on us. This has been going on for about 4 years.

[Perkup]

I am going to shout . . . . PLEASE DO NOT TELL US ALL THE THINGS YOU "KNOW" ABOUT BEING OLD UNTIL YOU ARE THERE AND EXPERIENCE IT YOURSELF!!!

ALSO REMEMBER THAT ALL THESE HORRIBLE, ANNOYING OLD PEOPLE ARE THE ONES WHO GAVE YOU THE MOST PRECIOUS GIFT YOU WILL EVER RECEIVE . . . LIFE.  THERE IS NO WAY TO REPAY THEM FOR THIS.

JUST MHO . . .  

[Zhills]

Amen!  There is a thread about "needy" senior citizens and gifts for those without families.  

All people, especially Seniors, need someone to listen!  It is human nature!

If you think they sound negative, you should really know how they feel for just one minute!   Some days are just BAD! 

[Moonchilde]

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@Perkup wrote:

I am going to shout . . . . PLEASE DO NOT TELL US ALL THE THINGS YOU "KNOW" ABOUT BEING OLD UNTIL YOU ARE THERE AND EXPERIENCE IT YOURSELF!!!

ALSO REMEMBER THAT ALL THESE HORRIBLE, ANNOYING OLD PEOPLE ARE THE ONES WHO GAVE YOU THE MOST PRECIOUS GIFT YOU WILL EVER RECEIVE . . . LIFE.  THERE IS NO WAY TO REPAY THEM FOR THIS.

JUST MHO . . .  

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How about the parents that give you life and then physically, emotionally or secksually abuse you thereafter?

Are you supposed to freely and joyously forgive them everything and support them in every way out of the LOVE you MUST feel for them, because they gave you that great gift of life - while making sure it was horrible?

JMO.

[Zhills]

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@Moonchilde wrote: 

How about the parents that give you life and then physically, emotionally or secksually abuse you thereafter?

Are you supposed to freely and joyously forgive them everything and support them in every way out of the LOVE you MUST feel for them, because they gave you that great gift of life - while making sure it was horrible?

JMO.

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The thread was about talking to your "Negative, older parents."  Just not wanting to listen to them because they were negative. 

Abuse is another subject!  A bad one!

Would you normally be talking to the abuser?  I wouldn't!

[Perkup]

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@Moonchilde wrote:

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@Perkup wrote:

I am going to shout . . . . PLEASE DO NOT TELL US ALL THE THINGS YOU "KNOW" ABOUT BEING OLD UNTIL YOU ARE THERE AND EXPERIENCE IT YOURSELF!!!

ALSO REMEMBER THAT ALL THESE HORRIBLE, ANNOYING OLD PEOPLE ARE THE ONES WHO GAVE YOU THE MOST PRECIOUS GIFT YOU WILL EVER RECEIVE . . . LIFE.  THERE IS NO WAY TO REPAY THEM FOR THIS.

JUST MHO . . .  

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How about the parents that give you life and then physically, emotionally or secksually abuse you thereafter?

Are you supposed to freely and joyously forgive them everything and support them in every way out of the LOVE you MUST feel for them, because they gave you that great gift of life - while making sure it was horrible?

JMO.

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Would you have preferred to be aborted?  If you're an adult now you have the right and the ability to make things right.  Not all parents and/or older people are perfect.  My childhod was never ideal, but I look back now and wonder not only how I survived, but feel pride that I did. Forgiveness is the most wonderfully healing emotion a person can feel, victim or whatever. Please do not muddy this thread by introducing rare and difficult situations. The world is full of injustices, but most are not the result of someone being old.

[Moonchilde]

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@Perkup wrote:

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@Moonchilde wrote:

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@Perkup wrote:

I am going to shout . . . . PLEASE DO NOT TELL US ALL THE THINGS YOU "KNOW" ABOUT BEING OLD UNTIL YOU ARE THERE AND EXPERIENCE IT YOURSELF!!!

ALSO REMEMBER THAT ALL THESE HORRIBLE, ANNOYING OLD PEOPLE ARE THE ONES WHO GAVE YOU THE MOST PRECIOUS GIFT YOU WILL EVER RECEIVE . . . LIFE.  THERE IS NO WAY TO REPAY THEM FOR THIS.

JUST MHO . . .  

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How about the parents that give you life and then physically, emotionally or secksually abuse you thereafter?

Are you supposed to freely and joyously forgive them everything and support them in every way out of the LOVE you MUST feel for them, because they gave you that great gift of life - while making sure it was horrible?

JMO.

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Would you have preferred to be aborted?  If you're an adult now you have the right and the ability to make things right.  Not all parents and/or older people are perfect.  My childhod was never ideal, but I look back now and wonder not only how I survived, but feel pride that I did. Forgiveness is the most wonderfully healing emotion a person can feel, victim or whatever. Please do not muddy this thread by introducing rare and difficult situations. The world is full of injustices, but most are not the result of someone being old.

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YES, I would think that some of the people so affected might have preferred to have never been born.

There are some things for which forgiveness is neither possible nor warranted.

The situation is certainly difficult, but it's very far from rare. Read the newspapers. Watch television.

If muddying the thread means expressing a POV that is contrary to what you believe, you might need to buy some wellies, because there's a lot of that around here 🙂

[Zhills]

We're aware, not just from watching TV but some first hand.

There is no arguement about how bad abuse is, it just was not the subject at hand.

If a person feels that way about their parent (s), SURELY they wouldn't be having telephone conversations with them frequently!  

No one has asked you do feel or do anything any differently.  You have every right to your feelings and opinions.

My whole point was to try not to internalize the negativity of the parent to make it easier to tolerate the negative conversations.  I stand by that!   It is difficult to be positive when everything around you is negative .... even if you would like to be.  Life can be tough for anyone! 

I have been on both ends of this situation!

Just because I don't "lay it all out there" does not mean I don't understand!  

If my posts helps just one person learn how to cope with or to be a "negative older parent" then it was worth it all!

[Sooner]

You must walk many miles in someone else's shoes before you know why they feel the way they do.  And everyone has a right to feel how they feel.

The care of or responsibility for an older parent can literally take your life away from you.  For MANY years.  If they are mean and nasty (which many are) it is even worse.  If you have no help it is worse still.

DON'T JUDGE OTHER PEOPLE.  Many people who are in this situation and basically losing THEIR own life to it.  They are managing dwindling resources, making medical decisions they aren't equipped to make, and taking responsibility for someone often angry, suspisious of them, and fighting them every step of the way.   And many times, the person you knew and loved is replaced by someone who you don't know or remember at all, and who doesn't know or remember YOU. 

Nothing about this is easy. 

[Moonchilde]

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@Zhills wrote:

We're aware, not just from watching TV but some first hand.

There is no arguement about how bad abuse is, it just was not the subject at hand.

If a person feels that way about their parent (s), SURELY they wouldn't be having telephone conversations with them frequently!  

No one has asked you do feel or do anything any differently.  You have every right to your feelings and opinions.

My whole point was to try not to internalize the negativity of the parent to make it easier to tolerate the negative conversations.  I stand by that!   It is difficult to be positive when everything around you is negative .... even if you would like to be.  Life can be tough for anyone! 

I have been on both ends of this situation!

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With all due respect, the topic of this thread has been down several roads. Some posters (yourself included I believe) have expressed that they believe children owe it to their parents to put up with whatever, because we're all supposed to love our parents and make sacrifices for them as they did for us. Which works IF you have had a parent or parents who gave you love, nurturing and support, and did sacrifice for you.

Other posters before me brought up the fact that not all parents are good, not all are loving and supportive, and some have been toxic all their lives - therefore there should be no "have to", or judgment passed on those who do not feel an obligation to put up with anything and everything from a parent just because they were now in need of extra attention. And there certainly has been that judgment in this thread - as there is in literally *every* thread on "taking care of parents."

Posters have expressed that not every person had parents worthy of love and support, and they don't feel guilty for expressing that. Little to no acknowledgment, or a brushing off, of this segment of the population occurred.

There are some parental situations where nothing positive is there any more...if there ever was. And it's not a given that the fault/obligation belongs to the child. That's all that was being expressed by a few - and dismissed as unimportant, irrelevant or an exaggeration by a few on the other side of the fence.