@Zhills wrote:
@Noel7 wrote:
@Zhills
Am I understanding correctly that your position is for adult children of abusive parents to care for those parents? No, not taking care of. Talking to or listening to.
If so, it is most certainly NOT wrong to avoid them later in life, in fact, most therapists will advise doing just that. I did that! But I listened many times and couldn't tell you a word she said!
For example, an adult child who has a history of rape or beatings from her father owes him nothing, in fact, it would be detrimental for her or him to be anywhere near a parent like that. Agreed! (Don't know how this got into the subject)
One must also take into consideration that such a relationship with an abusive parent would also damage that adult child's own children.
The thread was about "talking to" or "listening to" a negative older parent.
NOTHING MORE! Don't put words there that were not said or even thought.
Just do it your way. Whatever works for you. I am not your Judge!
You say you aren't their judge but you did judge @Zhills. Some children shouldn't even talk to or even listen to their parents. THey are verbally abusive and they should absolutely cut them out of their lives.
Just because a person brought someone into this world, does not mean they are a great, good or even a decent parent. The OP of this thread obviously IS there for her dad but everyone has a breaking point and how much is a person supposed to take when you are constantly bombarded with negativity and never any positivity or gratitude.
I do understand that older people can go through a lot that will affect their personalities and pain and depression are just a few of the things that can affect it.
There are some parents who were always miserable. My grandmother is an example. She was a stay at home mom to my mother and my grandfather worked one full time job and most of the time 2 part time jobs to make ends meet. She refused to work and never wanted to be a mother. She wasn't physically abusive but she was emotional abusive in that she just ignored her children. She was horrible to my grandfather who inexplicably loved her until the day she died. I can never remember one instance of my grandmother showing a loving bone in her body. She complained constantly and when she got older, that only worsened. I honestly can't believe how lucky I got in that my mother didn't repeat her behavior. I still can't believe that my grandfather stayed with her because not only was she apathetic towards her children but also to my grandfather. I can't tell you how many family gatherings she ruined. When she died after a short illness, not one of her children were upset about her death at all, they were relieved. Now many can say oh how terrible that her children wouldn't even care but I feel how horrible it is to be a mother and not one of your children feels sadness at your death. Shame on her, not my mother and her siblings. It was her mothers fault that they ALL felt nothing.
I get so tired when someone posts a post like the OP who obviously feels guilty over feeling aggravated with a parent who is such a burden to be around and so negative and they are told you should be feel lucky because you still have a parent. Toxic people are toxic people and no one wants to be around someone who can never display ANY positive emotions and only negative. They don't have to feel lucky they are still here. Sometimes when a parent dies and their child feels relief, it is the fault of the parent and if they hadn't been so miserable, negative and difficult they would have a child that missed their mom or dad.
Now for seniors who didn't have this personality or are suffering from depression, dementia or another illness that contributes to a negative personality, hopefully they will have children that recognize this and get them the help they need. Those are not the parents I am speaking about.
My mother turned 75 this Oct. She is still in good health but I do notice her getting a litte more blunt in her responses. I would do ANYTHING for this woman and I always will. She was a great mom and was there for me at every moment in my life. I go with her to every drs appt she has and take her most places I go. She tells me constantly how much she appreciates me and even though I don't need to hear that, it is nice to hear. In the past 20 yrs or so I have realized how truly lucky I am and I can't honestly say that even 1/4 of my friends have parents as good as I did. I know many people who had parents while not physically abusive were really horrible parents. Toxic people are toxic people and if I had a parent like that, I would have no problem removing them from my life. Just because they are your parents or family member does not mean they have to be in your life.
Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.
JFK
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