Among Friends

[MoJoV]

@Shanus you're doing what a loving,caring family should do.  You can rest easy knowing she's not lying on the floor hurt or ill with no one there. My Aunt (96) faced the same situation.  Was very sad at first,but now has best friends and is rarely in her room when we call. She's in CA. we're in Chicago.

[lavendar]

Assisted Living was the best thing for my mother after she had a stroke at eighty eight.She recovered physically but just couldn't keep it together to live on her own. Keeping her at home with help was not an option because she had no family left where she lived to check on services or help.

She was VERY independent and still doing twenty hours a week of hands on volunteer work. In Buffalo, taking buses. She'd been volunteering the day she had a stroke.

When I told her she asked me two questions : Can I afford it and how will I continue my (volunteer) work. I told her yes and yes because she was already doing volunteer work at the AL place where she'd be living and arrangements were made for her to continue. She looked at me and said,"I don't really have a choice."

It was the best decision because she would have  been isolated living at home with caregivers coming and going. She signed up for every activity. She hadn't been to a baseball game in sixty years but she went and enjoyed it.

Some tips: I was told that it takes three months to adjust. She did call me crying that she wanted to go home. It passed.

 Also, taking someone out of their community was the main reason people were unhappy. My mother had made major changes all her life but still had her moments during those three months. But taking her out of her environment and bringing her five hundred miles to where I lived would have not worked. She knew people at the assisted living facility already.

Some things I learned: Because there were periods where there was no family I hired a university student who was doing a degree in O.T. to visit probably helped. I called her weekly to make sure everything was O.K. The people with family, friends, got the most attention. I had one incident and I went right to the CEO. She was treated like royalty after that.

One of my doctors, a neurologist at a world class hospital, had a mother who had a stroke a few months earlier than mine. Her wishes were to be at home. He wanted AL but was not in charge. He said his mother was alone with aides who didn't even speak her language. She became isolated and depressed.

You have a MAJOR advantage because you and other family are nearby.

I felt guilty for years no matter what people told me. I don't any more. You are doing the best thing possible. Good luck!

[jlkz]

@Shanus

I hope all goes well tomorrow and you emphasize that she will be very busy and involved in your lives in ways that are impossible with the distance to her home now.

As one poster said:  emphasize that it is not a nursing home.

When it was time for my mom to go into assisted living because of the Alzheimer’s, we had set up a cozy little apartment for her.  For the first two weeks my dad was there around the clock.  Then the nurses asked me to have him only visit:  he really didn’t understand the disease and thought my mom was just being difficult and he would holler at her.

Ultimately we got my mom into the right type of dementia assisted living and my dad finally understood the issue.

Thank goodness you are not dealing with dementia per se....sounds like cognitive decline.

Good Luck to your family.

[RedTop]

Yes, whether your mom likes this or not, it is definitely time for her to go into assisted living.   

As I watch my mom become more confused with dementia, I know that her days of being able to live alone in the house she and dad built with their own hands, are limited.   I also know my mom wants to die in the comfort of her own home, and I tell myself every day that if her life should end that way, she will feel blessed.   

[BirkiLady]

@Shanus  Been there and done that for Independent Living, Assisted Living and Skilled Care. Each move is more difficult on the patient and the daughter (or son). But so necessary for their safety and continued heath care. 

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers as you make the best decisions for your mom's well-being. Know she is no longer able to make those decisions; it is up to you and your family to be the best health care advocates for her. Be gentle, but be firm about the decision to move her. She's seen other families move residents before her; it won't be a huge surprise in the scope of things. Just a surprise to her. The adjustment will take a while, of course. Bear with her. The employees at the Assisted Living are trained to help new residents overcome their fears and hesitations; they are so helpful in every way imaginable! Wish you the best possible outcome tomorrow. Blessings.

ETA: The most annoying people were the older women left behind! All they could do was tell my mom how awful a place it would be . . . and how horrible I was for moving her. Even though it was all the same huge complex! Go figure. Thankfully, mom trusted my judgement. I took her through her new apartment and she was satisfied. Whew! 

This was over 14-years. Mom died in 2017. She had been a dementia patient. I walked every step of the road with her to avoid any fear or harm. I'm confident she had the best care available. It was worth all those years to be close to her. We had fun and, I think, she maintained much of her mental capabilities by our mind games, word puzzles, cross-words, and reading children's books to her in the last two years. We also continued her PT, outings in our community until the six months, and family get-togethers until her death. She was 94. A life well-lived.

[Shanus]

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@denisemb wrote:

Having 'been there, done that" (except in regard to driving) mom lived with my DH and me when she began having numerous minor accidents with her car.  She would not listen to us in any way, even though I had a history of taking care of her driving needs when she was incapacitated. I was like 48 at the time.

The problem?  I was the youngest daughter.  When I explained the situation to my eldest brother (her favorite, LOL) he was able to take her keys away and sold her car without a peep.

Do you have a sibling or other relative she trusts to intervene on your behalf?

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@denisemb  My son, her oldest grandchild & father to the great granddaughters is going w/ me tomorrow. I hope that helps. 💕

[Shanus]

It’s after midnight here, but wanted to take time to read my “friends’” replies and am so boosted by your support. I think tomorrow (already today) will be the first of many negotiations. DS and I decided the plan of action is giving her 2 choices: Assisted Living close to us (w/ all the positive features that entails) or if she won’t move, she has to have increased hours of care. We’ll monitor that w/ the agency so we’ll know if she begins to cut out shifts...which she’s done before. The penalty will be that at that point, the choice is out of her hands and she moves. An agreement is just that. She needs to keep her aides & her promise. We also have to keep our word. For her safety and well being, she needs more care...her way or our way. 

Thanks to all of you again for your replies. I’ll try to get back to you by Monday w/ the results of how it all went.

❤️

Shanus

[Group 5 minus 1]

There is big diff between dementia and just needing assisted living. We moved Mom from PA to a retirement community. I think it added 10 years to her life. She liked it there and made many friends. One of her friends was a man who had the early beginnings of dementia. She was a big help to him and after she died he was moved to a different kind of care.Mom had a lot of skill w/dementia people because of Daddy. We wanted to visit this fellow but the retirement community was not permitted to give out any info.

Instead of being 3 hours away she was 20 minutes away and we able to do a lot.

Laundry, setting up her meds, taking her to places. She also had the independce she wanted and dignity.

[sondralee]

wouldn't mom have to pay to live there? where will she get the money. my house is paid off and has been for 6 yrs it would kill me to have to pay rent again. i could not do it with the money i get from social security. how does it work?