Among Friends

[software]

You seem intimidated by her, held hostage.

When she asks "what's new", why do you feel you need to tell her about your personal life.  Just be vague.  Not sure she cares, it may be her way of saying Good Morning

I've worked in offices for 40 years.

You have to work with all kinds.

I purposely avoided all personal relationships.

I didn't want the reputation of being a gossip.

Have you observed her interactions with other employees?

And I sure didn't do anything with coworkers on my off day!

[occasionalrain]

The problem is obviously her husband who appears controlling and, at least, verbally abusive. She may not have been to a doctor because he is against it. She doesn't contribute to the conversation because he's been critical of what she says.

[luvmyteddy4]

I made great friends from work and we hung out quite a bit but the feelings have to be mutual.

In this case you just have to be busy and make excuses and not hurt her feelings. 

It sounds like she needs friends but I would never go out with someone for that reason. It has to be 2 sided. Some people have a problem saying no, that's not me.

[occasionalrain]

Have you asked her if she belongs to a book club? If she doesn't, you could suggest that instead of lunch you and she could join one. They meet once a month, so a bit more of your time but it would be more enjoyable than the one on one and if she finds a friend there, you can slowly disengage if you wish.

[Porcelain]

You could find someone who loves mystery books to invite to the lunches as well. Either the additional person will scare off this poor lady and she will start cancelling--if she is socially anxious and considers you the only safe person she knows. Or she may find a new friend.

It sounds to me like she needs to open up her social network and may not know how to do so. I'm sad for her, sympathetic to you too @BunSnoop, but sad for her. She sounds incredibly socially inept and possibly anxious. She might even be on the spectrum or have some other cognitive issues going on.

Incidentally, can you imagine how she would feel if she knew you'd posted this about her? I'm glad she probably won't find out.

[BunSnoop]

@Porcelain I thought before posting as I would never want her to find out that I was seeking advise about the relationship,

I think I'm safe as she only uses a computer for work and the home computer once a year when she goes on-line to purchase Christmas gifts.  She told me that when she goes to her emails each December on the home computer there are hundreds of unread emails from stores that she made purchases from etc.  She told me she does not use a home computer - except for the few times during December!

Also, I brought up QVC one time and she looked at me like I had 2 heads - she had no idea what QVC was!

[x Hedge]

   What!?

I come back to see how the thread is progressing, and now she's got mental issues, emotional issues, an abusive husband, and OP's encouraged to be a friend to someone she wants to distance herself from?

@BunSnoop , I think you're safe, unless that's your real name.

[RetRN]

Sounds like her marriage is unfulfilling and unhappy. I think she is lonely and looking for someone to interact with. I do not see her as being mentally ill. You said she is intelligent, so it is a shame that she hasn't found some groups, clubs, or organizations to be a part of. Do you know if she has family that live in the area? It does seem strange that she doesn't do things with her husband which makes me question his treatment of her. 

[qualitygal]

Learn the phrase, "same ole, same ole"  and, "not this weekend, sorry". 

You are the chosen one.  She needed someone and you were chosen.  You don't have to be impolite to say no.  Maybe once a month out, but at work, bounce the conversation  ball back to her.  It's very had to talk with someone who has nothing to say.  Maybe a third or fourth person to join you two would help.  ONCE a month. ??

[January121]

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@BunSnoop wrote:

I agree she's  lonely and I think she has gotten herself in a terrible rut. 

She mentioned once that her husband went downtown to a museum.  I said , gosh...you should of taken a day off and joined him.  I added that  I have not gone there in years but I remember it's really nice  She'll just shrug her shoulders.

Told her I went during the summer to a car show close to her home and it was really nice.  She said she knew about it as her husband went.  I told her she should of gone, she said nothing.

They never go out to eat at a restaurant, everything is always fast food that the husband picks up and brings home for them to eat.

It seems as though her only interest is reading.  She like's mysteries so I told her she may like the Hallmark Movie Channel as they have a lot of  mysteries.  She only looked at me and gave no comment.

She is extremely intelligent, and it seems like reading is the only thing she enjoys!  

She has never gone to a doctor.   Never has had a physical, never has had a mammogram, colonoscopy, etc.  Over the years she's gained weight, and has back and knee problems.  I mentioned that my husband's knee is so much better after they gave him an injection.  I mentioned maybe she should go and see if that's also all that she needs.  Her only comment was  "they would probably need to take an xray".   I said, yes  - probably.

I won't go into details, but I know there are not issues wih money so I know they could afford for her to go to a doctor.

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@BunSnoop ..... sounds like she is very depressed and needs professional help & medication ... maybe she is going through the “changes” or maybe the way she acts is a result of a breakdown??