Among Friends

[BunSnoop]

This is in regards to a woman I work with.  Everyday she stops at my desk first thing in the morning and asks "whats new"???   (She's not asking about work...she's asking about my personal life).  Then at the end of the day she again stops by.

Often nothing "new" has happened from one day to the next.  (I go home, make dinner, do dishes, take the dog for a walk, open mail, wash some clothes, watch tv, etc).

The same happens on Friday's when she stops by at the end of the day and asks "anything exciting planned for the weekend?"     Regardless of what I'm doing, I usually just answer "just typical weekend stuff to get ready for the next work week".  I really do not want to tell her much more than that.  She never tells me anything about her personal life.  I'm married and so is she.  She's in her late 50's.  I'm 61.

She started something a few years ago to meet about 4 times a year for lunch on the weekend.   I honestly have nothing to say, she contributes nothing to the conversation, and we both end up just looking around at the restaurant or talking about the weather, etc.  Usually about 30-45 minutes after the meal is done I say "I have to go".    The first time I went with her she was willing to just sit there and look at the staff closing the restaurant at 3:00 p.m. and putting up the chairs, cleaning tables, etc.  After than I knew that I had to say "I have to go", or we'd be there always until the place closes down!

How do you get out of these weekend lunches.  Sometime I've cancelled, but she immediately then wants to re-scheduled and get a date set.    I can't be busy every weekend, and since I see her everyday at work I don't want to make it an uncomfortable situation, but any suggestions on how I can stop the weekend meetings.....I have nothing to discuss as I run out of things to talk about, and like I said before, there are just some things that I really don't want to share with her since she shares nothing!

Any suggestions?

[Love my grandkids]

@BunSnoop It's REAL easy to get out of the lunches! Just say "no  thanks, I have other plans"  and LEAVE it at that.

If she asks what your plans are, just say, "Sorry that's personal."  End of discussion.

When she asks "what's new" just say "nothing" and go back to what you were doing. If you have to turn your back do so.

I hope you'll get more suggestions from others on how to deal with a pest like this.

[on the bay]

@BunSnoop -

It sounds like she just might like to have company and trying to make a friend though not very good at it.

I would not have a problem saying I didn't want to meet on weekends, just needed to rest and do chores etc

and didn't want to schedule additional things.

Sometimes when people ask "how are you?!" (not even really intending to wait for a response), I answer with how are you?! (and many because not even listening, say, oh that's good (as if I had answered).

It seems she is just using the what's new as a greeting though that can get annoying. I might answer back with what's new with YOU?!

Some people just aren't adept at the "social graces" as Waterboy's mother said. And not good at interesting or engaging conversations. I wouldn't be mean, but also not feel obligated to spend weekends 4 times a year  with her. I don't feel bad about saying no when it is really something I don't want to do (unless it is to help family or close friends I care a lot about).

There will be so many invitations in life that we don't have to accept and also shouldn't feel bad about saying no to.

I think you can still be kind but also not feel obligated to be her social friend.

[Venezia]

@BunSnoop- Maybe she's just lonely.  Maybe she's trying to be friendly.  Since you've allowed the lunch dates to go on for "years", does she have any reason to believe she's pestering you?  Her perspective is likely far different from yours.

You allowed the situation to get to this point by not declining the lunch invitations at the start and making clear that you prefer to keep your personal life separate from your work life.

Now you'll have to decide how to cut the cord.  Try to do it kindly; the woman probably has no idea you view her as a pest.  (Most office environments foster friendships or at least cordial relationships, so her actions don't seem out of place to me.)

[x Hedge]

Well I think she's trying to make a friend, and she's chosen you!

That's OK if you don't want to.

But you'll have to be more up front with her, and stop answering a question just because it was asked.

First, I'd stop meeting for lunch!

This is outside of work and you're only obligated to interact with her as a co-worker. Next time it's time to schedule, tell her you don't care to attend any more lunches.

  "I don't care to." is all the reason you need to give.

If pressed, repeat as needed.

As to all the personal questions at work, answering a question with a question is a tried and true option.

Ignore what was asked, and reply with something about work.

If you don't want a personal friendship, then keep it about work.

I'm more direct. If it feels like someone's being invasive rather than asking casually, I'm more likely to give a look, and ask What's ity to you? (Smile)

[NicksmomESQ]

  It seems obvious to me that though married this woman is very lonely & needy.If you don't want to get together with her just say you're busy or have plans.If she asks what plans just say you would rather not get into it.

  Your life is yours.You get to decide who participates in it & who doesn't,period.After being turned down a few times I'm sure this woman will stop asking.

[ahoymate]

Beware of people at work who want to delve into your personal life. It's not appropriate. Keep the conversation focused on business.

IMO: you should never have let this person make you feel you owe them time, your personal time.

[BunSnoop]

I agree she's  lonely and I think she has gotten herself in a terrible rut. 

She mentioned once that her husband went downtown to a museum.  I said , gosh...you should of taken a day off and joined him.  I added that  I have not gone there in years but I remember it's really nice  She'll just shrug her shoulders.

Told her I went during the summer to a car show close to her home and it was really nice.  She said she knew about it as her husband went.  I told her she should of gone, she said nothing.

They never go out to eat at a restaurant, everything is always fast food that the husband picks up and brings home for them to eat.

It seems as though her only interest is reading.  She like's mysteries so I told her she may like the Hallmark Movie Channel as they have a lot of  mysteries.  She only looked at me and gave no comment.

She is extremely intelligent, and it seems like reading is the only thing she enjoys!  

She has never gone to a doctor.   Never has had a physical, never has had a mammogram, colonoscopy, etc.  Over the years she's gained weight, and has back and knee problems.  I mentioned that my husband's knee is so much better after they gave him an injection.  I mentioned maybe she should go and see if that's also all that she needs.  Her only comment was  "they would probably need to take an xray".   I said, yes  - probably.

I won't go into details, but I know there are not issues wih money so I know they could afford for her to go to a doctor.

[GCR18]

When she says his are you, turn it back to her.  Answer her question with a question.  If she has nothing to say, the conversation will be short.  Don't wait for her to bring up the weekend lunches, tell her you won't be available. If she pressed for details, just say I'm spending time with my husband. 

[kaydee50]

@BunSnoop  After reading your last post, this woman sounds like she has emotional/mental problems.  I wish her well but would not want to deal with her outside work.