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Honored Contributor
Posts: 26,211
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: Step-daughter/step-mother relationship

@bootsanne I have been executor for 2 estates already.  Even in the best of circumstances, it is never an easy job.  I hope your husband wises up.  It is extremely important in any case--even the best.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 8,233
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Step-daughter/step-mother relationship

@sarahpanda , I can identify with you, I have been married to my DH almost 35 yrs., and his daughter and I have never been close!  We got a little closer, since she now has children and we have 4 beautiful granddaughters!  I don't think I have to worry about her coming forward during a time of need, I just know her that well, she & her mother are joined at the hip!

 

I agree with you, about being able to handle your DH's medical needs.  It sounds to me, she all of sudden wants to come out looking like a "martyr", taking care of her father during his last years!  I wish you the best and I hope you stand your ground and hopefully things will not get ugly!

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,316
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Step-daughter/step-mother relationship


@bootsanne wrote:

@sarahpanda We haave some similar things going on.  I've been with my husband for 25 years, married 17.  He's much older than me.  At the beginning his 2 kids from the first marriage-35 years and she died young-were less than cordial to me.  He told them in no uncertain terms if they didn't like me, it was their problem.  I was staying and they could stay away.  My SD actually was much cooler to me than my SS.  But over the years  my SD and I have maintained a very comfortable relationship, she treats me very well and also her dad.  On the other hand, the alcohol-drug abusing son treats his father horribly and I despise him for that reason.  The son and his wife who is just like him have no relations with either side of their families, including her parents and sisters and his parent and sister.

 

However, they are his blood.   And while I have been with him through 2 bouts of cancer, surgeries, pneumonia, etc. they will still get the bulk of his estate.  My affairs are in order but my husband's are not.  He has a lot of money and our assets are in the 7 figure range.  I'm not naive enough to know whatever kind of cordial relationship I may have with SD will change if he goes before me.  SD is extremely wealthy and I am encouraging him to make her executor of his will.  She has already said she will pay for the funeral expenses.  Things get messy when there are large assets involved.  As @Sooner said, blood is blood.  Really this is my husband's fault as he is very lax about getting his affairs done in writing.


Loving wives need assets after their spouse passes away. Children will sometimes leave step parents broke. 

Please insist your husband sees an attorney. I would have his favorite lawyer make a house call. People can act horrible when it comes to money. 

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 7,495
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Step-daughter/step-mother relationship

Do you and your husband, each, have a living will, medical power of attorney, general power of attorney, will, etc?  If not, do it now.  If your husband wants to share any of it with his daughter, fine.  If not, fine.  

Honored Contributor
Posts: 9,492
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Step-daughter/step-mother relationship


@bootsanne wrote:

@sarahpanda We haave some similar things going on.  I've been with my husband for 25 years, married 17.  He's much older than me.  At the beginning his 2 kids from the first marriage-35 years and she died young-were less than cordial to me.  He told them in no uncertain terms if they didn't like me, it was their problem.  I was staying and they could stay away.  My SD actually was much cooler to me than my SS.  But over the years  my SD and I have maintained a very comfortable relationship, she treats me very well and also her dad.  On the other hand, the alcohol-drug abusing son treats his father horribly and I despise him for that reason.  The son and his wife who is just like him have no relations with either side of their families, including her parents and sisters and his parent and sister.

 

However, they are his blood.   And while I have been with him through 2 bouts of cancer, surgeries, pneumonia, etc. they will still get the bulk of his estate.  My affairs are in order but my husband's are not.  He has a lot of money and our assets are in the 7 figure range.  I'm not naive enough to know whatever kind of cordial relationship I may have with SD will change if he goes before me.  SD is extremely wealthy and I am encouraging him to make her executor of his will.  She has already said she will pay for the funeral expenses.  Things get messy when there are large assets involved.  As @Sooner said, blood is blood.  Really this is my husband's fault as he is very lax about getting his affairs done in writing.


@bootsanne   Why are they getting the bulk of the estate?!!  YOU have been his wife of 17 years.  I would think that YOU should be getting the bulk of the estate.  I would insist that my husband get his affairs in order even if it you have to make an appointment with an attorney yourself and drag him with you.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 10,234
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Step-daughter/step-mother relationship

@bootsanne ....I am a stepparent, no children of my own...my husband is also older than I am by 15+ years.  We have been together for 40 years and I have a good relationship with his kids.

 

I woud be angry and hurt if his estate did not fall to me after his death...what is left over when I go will go to his kids, in my eyes that is fair.  I hope you are able to get him to put something in writing, these things are always difficult.

 

He and his 1st wife divorced after 7 years of marriage if that makes any difference.

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,889
Registered: ‎03-13-2010

Re: Step-daughter/step-mother relationship


@Sooner wrote:

@sarahpanda wrote:

I've been married to my husband for 30 years.  There has never been a close relationship between his daughter and myself , barely a 'relationship' at all.  Now as her father is nearing his last years , she wants us to 'communicate' so she can help with medical issues for him....um...I think I'm quite competent to handle any issues that might arise, I have all these years.  I see trouble a-brewing.


@sarahpanda Trouble will brew if you want it to.  She IS his daughter.  She IS his blood and DNA.  To do anything to hurt her will hurt her dad a thousand times more.

 

You don't have to like someone, you just have to act like you do.  He IS her father.  


 

That was pretty much my reaction too.  From what I can tell, the daughter wants to know about her father's health and she wants to be helpful.  I'm not sure why that's a bad thing.  This is her father!

 

Unless the father doesn't want his daughter to be in the loop re his health, etc, then she certainly should be.  The OP's relationship or non-relationship with the daughter is completely beside the point.  

 

My advice would be to take the daughter's words at face value, and not look for a reason to be offended.  A lot of people would be thrilled to have a child interested and offering to help.  I hear all the time from women who are burdened with having to do everything themselves. 

 

There's no need for a power struggle.  And there's no need to be so defensive.  As his daughter, she shouldn't be treated as though she's a stranger, and her words shouldn't be viewed as trouble ahead.  (Unless of course there's something we haven't been told about the father-daughter relationship.  That's the relationship that matters here.)

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,889
Registered: ‎03-13-2010

Re: Step-daughter/step-mother relationship


@RetRN wrote:

It is the responsibility of you and your husband to have everything in place including a will, POA-healthcare, and POA-finances. Beneficiaries for insurance policies and finances should be done as per the wishes of you and your husband. You should have your funeral arrangements preplanned and paid for. Then you and your husband can tell her she has nothing to worry about as everything has been taken care of. 


 

This is about more than paperwork and legal documents.  This is about a daughter who wants to be in the loop re her father's health.  And she's offered to help.  She's his daughter, and she shouldn't simply be told that she has nothing to worry about.  That doesn't address the human/emotional aspect at all.

 

So yes, all documents need to be in order.  But there's a father-daughter relationship that's at the heart of all this.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,213
Registered: ‎07-19-2013

Re: Step-daughter/step-mother relationship

Sunnyskies;  Do what you want - you are not legally obligated at all.

 

If you can handle your situation/prefer not to include your 'step' with details about what's happening - then just be sure you won't regret your decision afterwards.

If it's your conviction to do it all on your own, nothing says you can't exercise that option.

 

I have two step-mean-girls.

Their mom passed when they were in their teens - (13 yrs ago)

They have been beyond despicable to me for most of the time I've known them (they're grown in age - not in attitude, ....and lack basic humanity & respect)

 

If he passes before me, any itty-bitty-barely-conceivable 'ties that bound' will be gone... ...And all 3 of us will be happier for it.

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Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,889
Registered: ‎03-13-2010

Re: Step-daughter/step-mother relationship


@MoonieBaby wrote:

Sunnyskies;  Do what you want - you are not legally obligated at all.

 

If you can handle your situation/prefer not to include your 'step' with details about what's happening - then just be sure you won't regret your decision afterwards.

If it's your conviction to do it all on your own, nothing says you can't exercise that option.

 

I have two step-mean-girls.

Their mom passed when they were in their teens - (13 yrs ago)

They have been beyond despicable to me for most of the time I've known them (they're grown in age - not in attitude, ....and lack basic humanity & respect)

 

If he passes before me, any itty-bitty-barely-conceivable 'ties that bound' will be gone... ...And all 3 of us will be happier for it.


 

I disagree that she should just do what she wants.  It's what her husband wants that matters.  This is his daughter, and it's not right for the OP to push her out just because she doesn't like her.   She hasn't said anything about the daughter being a mean girl or difficult or not having a relationship with her father.  We haven't heard anything negative about this girl at all.

 

She needs to put her own personal feelings aside.  She's very defensive about this for some reason, but it's not about her.  If the daughter wants to help, she should be allowed to.  At the very least she should be in the loop re her father's health, and she should not be pushed away or disrespected.  Whether the man is simply aging or having serious medical issues, this is not the time to come between father and daughter.