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Honored Contributor
Posts: 27,270
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: Step-daughter/step-mother relationship


@sarahpanda wrote:

I've been married to my husband for 30 years.  There has never been a close relationship between his daughter and myself , barely a 'relationship' at all.  Now as her father is nearing his last years , she wants us to 'communicate' so she can help with medical issues for him....um...I think I'm quite competent to handle any issues that might arise, I have all these years.  I see trouble a-brewing.


@sarahpanda Trouble will brew if you want it to.  She IS his daughter.  She IS his blood and DNA.  To do anything to hurt her will hurt her dad a thousand times more.

 

You don't have to like someone, you just have to act like you do.  He IS her father.  

Honored Contributor
Posts: 25,683
Registered: ‎05-10-2010

Re: Step-daughter/step-mother relationship

You seem to want trouble with her so, yes.  Trouble is brewing.  You have history and it definitely wasn't all her fault as evidenced by this post.  I do think that, at this time in my husband's life, if I had step daughter who was reaching out....I'd certainly be gracious and and listen to her.  There's no harm in listening and being kind to husband's daughter is the way I would look at it.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,341
Registered: ‎04-19-2010

Re: Step-daughter/step-mother relationship

Obviously, you know your stepdaughter better than I, but I see nothing wrong with her request.  Speaking as someone is is currently caring for an aging parent, I would want the same.  Not that you are doing a bad job or are not up to the tast, but I'd want to know how my dad was doing at any given time.  I'd want to contribute to his care, not disregard what you are doing.  Just my take.  


-- pro-aging --


Rochester, New York
Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,847
Registered: ‎04-23-2010

Re: Step-daughter/step-mother relationship


@sarahpanda wrote:

I've been married to my husband for 30 years.  There has never been a close relationship between his daughter and myself , barely a 'relationship' at all.  Now as her father is nearing his last years , she wants us to 'communicate' so she can help with medical issues for him....um...I think I'm quite competent to handle any issues that might arise, I have all these years.  I see trouble a-brewing.

 

What does your husband say to his daughter about her wishes?  It must have been difficult for him to see your strained relationship with her for thirty years.


 

“The soul is healed by being with children.”
— Fyodor Dostoyevsky
Honored Contributor
Posts: 8,062
Registered: ‎10-01-2013

Re: Step-daughter/step-mother relationship

It is the responsibility of you and your husband to have everything in place including a will, POA-healthcare, and POA-finances. Beneficiaries for insurance policies and finances should be done as per the wishes of you and your husband. You should have your funeral arrangements preplanned and paid for. Then you and your husband can tell her she has nothing to worry about as everything has been taken care of. 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 36,481
Registered: ‎01-08-2011

Re: Step-daughter/step-mother relationship

@sarahpanda SO sorry. Take each day one at a time.  My prayers are with you.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,187
Registered: ‎03-13-2010

Re: Step-daughter/step-mother relationship


@RetRN wrote:

It is the responsibility of you and your husband to have everything in place including a will, POA-healthcare, and POA-finances. Beneficiaries for insurance policies and finances should be done as per the wishes of you and your husband. You should have your funeral arrangements preplanned and paid for. Then you and your husband can tell her she has nothing to worry about as everything has been taken care of.


Agree - dad had all his accounts POD to go to the 4 kids split evenly.  While he was still alive anytime dad lost a friend or family member he would tell us - I want cremation with no visitation, no service and no graveside and ashes buried in a double plot next to my mother. Bc he'd never strayed from those wishes, it's what we did.  After the ashes were buried - about a month later dad's 4 kids, their spouses and a few grandchildren met at a restaurant and had a celebration of life for him (basically raising a glass of wine to drink to what a great father he was).  I think he'd have been very pleased.  

 

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,316
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Step-daughter/step-mother relationship

Sorry to hear about your situation. Please seek legal counsel ASAP. Health issues are one thing. Money is another. Many folks do and say foolish things at this time. You and your husband's wishes have to be considered.
Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,138
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Step-daughter/step-mother relationship

You don't say if your husband is ill or whether he is aging like everyone else and he is simply getting older. Does he have any mental impairment? If not, the only thing you should be doing is letting your husband have his own relationship with his daughter and say or do what he thinks is appropriate. Have you spoken to him about the situation? Even if you have never gotten along with her, she IS his daughter and if he is mentally competent it's his choice what he wants to share. This seems like a great time to discuss any decisions that need to be made and have the family all on the same page.


'I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed man'.......Unknown
Valued Contributor
Posts: 826
Registered: ‎01-21-2011

Re: Step-daughter/step-mother relationship

@sarahpanda We haave some similar things going on.  I've been with my husband for 25 years, married 17.  He's much older than me.  At the beginning his 2 kids from the first marriage-35 years and she died young-were less than cordial to me.  He told them in no uncertain terms if they didn't like me, it was their problem.  I was staying and they could stay away.  My SD actually was much cooler to me than my SS.  But over the years  my SD and I have maintained a very comfortable relationship, she treats me very well and also her dad.  On the other hand, the alcohol-drug abusing son treats his father horribly and I despise him for that reason.  The son and his wife who is just like him have no relations with either side of their families, including her parents and sisters and his parent and sister.

 

However, they are his blood.   And while I have been with him through 2 bouts of cancer, surgeries, pneumonia, etc. they will still get the bulk of his estate.  My affairs are in order but my husband's are not.  He has a lot of money and our assets are in the 7 figure range.  I'm not naive enough to know whatever kind of cordial relationship I may have with SD will change if he goes before me.  SD is extremely wealthy and I am encouraging him to make her executor of his will.  She has already said she will pay for the funeral expenses.  Things get messy when there are large assets involved.  As @Sooner said, blood is blood.  Really this is my husband's fault as he is very lax about getting his affairs done in writing.