Among Friends

[sarahpanda]

I've been married to my husband for 30 years.  There has never been a close relationship between his daughter and myself , barely a 'relationship' at all.  Now as her father is nearing his last years , she wants us to 'communicate' so she can help with medical issues for him....um...I think I'm quite competent to handle any issues that might arise, I have all these years.  I see trouble a-brewing.

[VaBelle35]

My siblings and I did not interfere with my father's care at the end.  We left it up to his wife, including all the funeral arrangements.

Legally, she has no say, as you are the next of kin.

Does your husband have a medical directive in place?  It would be best for both of you to get all of the decisions nailed down now, so that there are no decisions later and nothing to fight over.

I did my will and medical directive last year.  I was able to decide all the outcomes of various things up front so that my family didn't have to decide for me.

If you have all of this already, then just let her know that he has already decided all outcomes.

[Carolina925]

So sad you're having to face these issues with his daughter, especially during this time. I totally agree with VaBelle35 that you need to be sure all his wishes are in order and documented, then tell her not to worry and that it is all taken care of. She may just be concerned because she's facing life without him and worrying that she's not done enough. Good luck to you, my heart is with you.

[riley1]

@sarahpanda - I have a stepson and we have never been close. Besides the lack of respect towards me I have a lack of trust in him. 

I too have asked hubby to make sure everything he wants is taken care of. I don't want any problems down the road - which I can also see coming.

Wish you well.

[4kitties]

Some good advice here for you.  I too am sorry you are having to deal with this.  

I would also make make sure your wills are in order along with all medical directives.  Just to avoid any additional trouble that could occur.  

I agree that that your step daughter may be having regrets about her past relationship with her father.  I hope it all works out for you.

[10sluvr]

also, ask your husband to let his daughter know, you have talked and you know all his wishes. if he wants you to share his medical condition, tell her you will, but if he wants to keep certain medical info private, you won't go against his wishes.

[Eileen in Virginia]

In addition to ensuring that his will is current, check to see if he has any designations of beneficiary for things like insurance policies, IRA’s, etc. and that they reflect his current wishes. In the Federal benefits sector, a designation of beneficiary is honored before a will. So, if he designated his daughter (or even his ex-wife) and forgot about the designation, she’s the one who would be paid. I don’t know if this applies to the private sector, but it’s worth checking. 

[Mom2Dogs]

Even tho I have a good relationship with my stepdaughters, I have made it very clear to dh that he needs to either tell his girls or write down what he/we have decided to do if he passes before me.  I don't expect problems but you never know.....

I do not want a servive, nor does he, but one daughter might squabble about it, so best to write it down....

[drizzellla]

You got excellent advise. Hope you use it.

I am just talking from my experience. My one brother, pretty much made sure that he got his "inheritance" before my parents passed away. So after he cleaned out their safety deposit box of an extensive coin collection, their house of anything of value and a stockbroker account, he did not communicate with my parents for more than 5 years. Of course my parents still sent gifts for birthdays and Christmas.

My Dad was placed in a nursing home for 10 years because he lost the use of his right side. My brother and family never visited him. Then my Mom went into a nursing home. Suddenly he appeared on the scene. I guess because they both had less than a year to live. My brother had my Mom giving him large checks of money. And Mom was more than happy to because he was coming to visit (and clean out anything in their house that he wanted).

My parent's lawyer was quite upset that large gifts of money were being given to one child and there was nothing in writing. And no paper trail. My Mother had come up to our house with my brother and shredded all bank statements and cancelled checks. She even shredded the addendum the Lawyer drew up with a partial list of monetary gifts my brother was given.

So I would not be surprised if your stepdaughter has more than medical issues on her mind. So please talk about this with her so she has a clear understanding about her father's wishes.  Please protect yourself and your husband.

[Cakers3]

---

@sarahpanda wrote:

I've been married to my husband for 30 years.  There has never been a close relationship between his daughter and myself , barely a 'relationship' at all.  Now as her father is nearing his last years , she wants us to 'communicate' so she can help with medical issues for him....um...I think I'm quite competent to handle any issues that might arise, I have all these years.  I see trouble a-brewing.

---

@sarahpanda   Why is your relationship with your husband's daughter barely one at all?

He is still her father; and she is still his daughter. 

I see one side to this story and without knowing all the dynamics I will just say to let things be-if she wants to be involved, let her, as long as your husband doesn't mind.

I doubt she feels you are incompetent; that is your perception of her and perhaps this is one of the problems between you and her.

Have you always been the one to extend a hand in friendship to her?  Have you made the effort to include her in this marriage through the years?

You might want to take some time and review with an open mind and an open heart as to why this relationship isn't all that great.

In the end the connection between father and daughter was established long before you came around; if it deteriorated between them, then I suggest you take the higher road and let her in.  I believe in not letting unfinished business linger after death.

If the problem is between you and her, then it is time for both adults to let the past go and give your best-both of you.

If you see trouble, then trouble it will be because you already have it in mind.

You have a part in this relationship; it isn't all one-sided no matter the circumstance.

Be the better person; when a loved one is nearing the end, we all need to feel we have done something  because we just cannot control the ending.  She is feeling this.

Let her in.  Be gracious and forget about what wasn't and what could have been.

Open the door and you might just be surprised that what comes through isn't so bad and may actually bring comfort to you and to her.  Most important comfort to your husband in his last days.

I wish you the best.