Among Friends

[hckynutjohn]

 Any advice?

MYOB. Same as any addiction and preaching very seldom does much good. It is up to your daughter to make sure she does not leave their child with a drunk, father or not.

[hckynutjohn]

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@bookss wrote:

He didn't have his son in the vehicle.  But he got drunk taking care of him and when my daughter came home, he left and then recieved the DUI.  He doesn't believe he is an alcoholic.  

Not many do.

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[AnikaBrodie]

This is such a personal issue.  I hope your SIL gets the help he apparently needs.  Drinking and child care are not a good mix.

[RedTop]

Sending caring thoughts and best wishes to your family as all of you cope with this serious situation.  

[Chrystaltree2]

I'm not sure what type of advice you want.  Of course, he shouldn't drink while he is caring for son.  However, other than taking care of the child yourself, there's nothing you can do about the situation.  If you are get along with him and have a good relationship with him and live near them; perhaps you can pop in under the guise of visiting your grandchild and check things out.  If that isn't possible, all you can do is hope for the best.   

[Chrystaltree2]

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@hckynutjohn wrote:

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@bookss wrote:

He didn't have his son in the vehicle.  But he got drunk taking care of him and when my daughter came home, he left and then recieved the DUI.  He doesn't believe he is an alcoholic.  

Not many do.

Very few alcoholics admit or even understand that they are alcoholics.  That's very common for this disease and it is a disease.  You need to distance yourself from this.  It's hard, I know.  But it really does not concern you and if you interfere, you will only make things worse for your daughter.   

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[LilacTree]

I had four SILs, and all of them were addicts.  Two were confirmed daily users of hard alcohol, one is a "mellow" drug user (weed, mostly, but how would I know), and the fourth is a narcissistic sociopath who goes into horrific rages when he drinks alcohol.  He continues to be an emotional abuser to my little daughter since their divorce almost six years ago.

One of the confirmed daily user alcoholics did not stop drinking when my daughter divorced him, he did not stop drinking when he lost every job he ever had . . . he did finally stop drinking eight years ago when he almost lost his leg driving under a truck on his bicycle.  He also has severe back and kidney issues since that accident.  He's been in AA and sober ever since.  He has a good relationship with his two children and in reality, saved his own life. 

To the poster:  Yes, this is personal, but you have every right to post about this here as you need all the support you can get.  Dealing with alcoholics/addicts, especially when you are the MIL, is absolute agony.  I hope you can get your daughter to address this issue before it gets worse.  Unless they almost kill themselves (as I stated above) nothing will change them.  My heart goes out to you.

[VioletEyes]

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@bookss wrote:

Drinking while taking care of their son.  My daughter did not know he was drunk. He admitted to it later.  He doesn't think he has a drinking problem.  Any advice?

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Ask your daughter if she would like to accompany you to an Alanon meeting. Alanon saves lives and I don't mean the alcoholic in your life.

Alanon teaches you how to distance yourself from the alcoholic and set boundaries. There will be many people in the same boat as your daughter with sound advice.

No one can stop someone from drinking but you can teach the alcoholic in your life that when their behavior is wrong such as your SIL"s that there will be consequences.....basically you will all learn how to stop focusing on the alcoholic and start focusing on yourself.

I wish you well and hope that the Serenity Prayer brings you comfort.

[blackhole99]

If your daughter loves her husband and he is willing to get help then she should help him. If he's in denial then for everyones ' sake she needs to cut him loose, addicts need to want to get clean or sober for themselves other wise the abuse continues. If your daughter stays with him and he doesn't get help she enables him.

[betteb]

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@Perkup wrote:

I don't want to point fingers, but I am afraid that this is a much more complicated situation than just a guy who got drunk once. Very likely to be something much deeper.  As for your daughter ordering him out of the house, she sent him out drunk to endanger other children and adults as well as himself. Had a tragedy occured, she would have had a lifetime of regret. Not a good choice IMHO.

 I believe there is some serious marriage counseling needed to determine the real issues here. I went to an Alanon meeting once with a friend who wanted a companion there, and from what I observed this is not the kind of help that your family needs. Try to get them into professional counseling as soon as possible, and don't allow yourself to become too involved - you don't want to complicate the situation.

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I don't see where she said her daughter ordered him out. She just said he left.

OP=You have some good advice here. I hope you follow it.