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Honored Contributor
Posts: 31,157
Registered: ‎05-10-2010

Re: Should we move out of state?

That is decision that only and your husband can make.  There are so many factors to consider and every family is different.  There are things to consider.  You help your dad out but does he actually need that help?  80 isn't exactly old today if has not illnesses or disabilities.  You like fixing meals for him but can he cook for hisself or buy prepared meals or have someone else cook for him?  Is you brother able and willing to do more for your father?  Does your father have a social life?  Does he have a circle of friends.  Is money a problem?   If your father doesn't NEED you, then you can decide if you NEED to be near him.  If you move but are hobbled with guilt and and a sense loss; you will not have a good life and that will put a strain on your marriage.   If you want to move and if you can do so without and guilt and with a clear conscience.....do it.  You only have one life and you and your husband deserve to live it.  I don't how weather plays into anything.  You will be moving to an area that has "boring" heat waves of over 100 degrees for weeks and weeks at a time and droughts and a lifestyle that will be foreign to you.  

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,921
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: Should we move out of state?

Phoenix has many retirees so potentially get a bigger place or ask him if he would be interested in a senior community in Phoenix.  I wouldn't worry about the weather (I live three hrs North of there in the White Mountains and we go there several times a month).  There is great air conditioning and the other issues are overblown.  There is a lot to do (especially if you love sports) and great medical care.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 9,196
Registered: ‎06-14-2010

Re: Should we move out of state?

If you don't move you may live with regrets and resentment toward your father, if you do move you might have guilt at leaving your father and the grass might not be greener as the saying goes.  You should consider all the pros and cons and make sure the pros outweigh the cons.  It is a decision only you and your husband can make and you must do what makes you happy, bottom line.  

 

My sister moved away in her late fifties to a state where she is a fish out of water and has been unhappy at for years. She moved to be near her daughter, son-in-law and granddaughters.  There isn't a day that goes by where she doesn't miss her family she left behind.  However, that is her story.  We are all different.

 

I also know you carry your baggage/issues with you, they do not necessarily leave because of a move.  This is an observation I have seen.

 

Whatever you decide, enjoy your life and be happy.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 19,586
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Should we move out of state?

I would be very very honest and have a family gathering with your dad and brother, and sister in law and really talk this out.....I would want to listen to them as well. It is ultimately you and your husband's decision, but it does affect your father and brother too...

 

Is your brother the type to step up? I mean, you don't want to move out there with a lot of guilt feelings and worry either....See what your dad has to say-who knows he may give you his blessing......

 

Make a list of the pros and cons as well. It is amazing when you do that and then look over the list.It really does help! Good luck with your decision!

Honored Contributor
Posts: 15,346
Registered: ‎02-27-2012

Re: Should we move out of state?

@KimmyK

 

I'm just wondering if there is any OTHER family besides you brother and non-team player SIL?

 

Your dad may be in good health now, but at his age, that could change fairly quickly.

 

To share the other side of the coin...

 

My mom was progressing w/ Alz and needed daily care.  My sis then became widowed at fairly a young age.  She promised to stay while mom was alive.

 

In less than 6 mos, she told me she was moving to be near her kids.  She put the care of Mom totally on me and my husband.  We have literally ZERO family and no other help.

 

It was EXTREMELY difficult to work F/T, cook, clean, care for mom etc and take care of my own family.  To be brutally honest, while I understood my sis wanting to get away...it was completely unfair to me.  I felt abandoned.  Caring for an aging parent is hard.  VERY hard.  Even when their health is good.

 

If you have confidence that your brother/SIL will properly care for Dad....then that would help you make your decision.

 

I TOTALLY git your wanting to escape Pitt winters....I live in Buffalo, so I share your pain!

 

Best wishes to you as you decide!

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 7,643
Registered: ‎08-19-2014

Re: Should we move out of state?

    When you move & your parent is younger it’s different than when they are older.You seem to be helping in your dads care.How will you feel if you just move? He is already used to you preparing his meals & making his appointments.Is it fair if you leave it all to your brother? How would he feel about it? Would you take your dad with you if he agreed to go?

   You need to answer theses questions & think long & hard before you leave.

    I have a friend who retired to Florida last year.She left her 92 year old mother here in New York. She invited her mom to move with her but she refused.My friend is constantly flying in to make sure her mom is cared for.Her DH is getting annoyed.It’s putting a strain on their relationship.

   There is no easy solution. You need to decide what’s best  for you!!

 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 19,156
Registered: ‎03-13-2010

Re: Should we move out of state?

[ Edited ]

Yes...........take the opportunity!     Phoenix is probably about 6 times larger than Pittsburgh (my late husband's home town.)     Everything is "new" here, and you get a lot "more house for your money" than you do in Eastern cities.  (I was born in Chicago.)    

 

Yes.......it gets HOT here.......right now, 1pm and 96°, but the heat is easier to tolerate than -10 and snow on the ground (!!)

 

One drawback (as you've probably seen recently on the news).......the school system is in financial need.     However, Arizona State U (located in and around Phoenix on several campuses) ranks 115th in the U.S., and in-state tuition is around $11,000, which is very reasonable.

 

Hospitals and health care are plentiful, and we have a large "senior" population, so your father will fit in.

 

 

 

 

 

♥Surface of the Sun♥
Honored Contributor
Posts: 70,111
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: Should we move out of state?

@KimmyK. Have you visited Phoenix?  As bad as Pittsburgh is in the winter, Phoenix in the summer is even worse.  Daytime temps are well over 100° every single day for month.  Spend a vacation there in summer before deciding to make it permsnent.

New Mexico☀️Land Of Enchantment
Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,254
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Should we move out of state?

I think it is wonderful that you and your brother help out your Dad. I also don't think you should not do something you would love to do with your life so you can still keep doing what you are. Maybe you can order up meals for him from somewhere or you might know someone who would be willing to do it for some extra cash. There are different ways to still help. I would talk to your Brother and your Dad and just explain how you feel and see what they say also. But it really is down to what would be best for you and your husband and your future.

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,407
Registered: ‎07-07-2010

Re: Should we move out of state?

@KimmyK,  Pittsburgh to Phoenix is quite a difference.  While I like both cities and prefer warm to cold, I don't think that I could ever live in Phoenix because of the summer heat.  Dry heat at 120 degrees is still hot.

 

If you are set on going if the opportunity arises, maybe dad can spend winters with you and summers with your brother.  Both of you would then have time with him, and he may prefer to stay permanently with you or with your brother.

The next time that I hear salt and ice together, it better be in a margarita!