Reply
Highlighted
Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 7,652
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

@mintedrose  , I have a sister story also.  After ten years of no contact, my sister wound up on the doorstep of my new home after going to several homes in the neighbourhood trying to find me.  She tried to pick up the relationship with no comment as to our last interaction when she slammed the phone down in my ear.

 

I had a visit with her, thought about it, and told her I wasn’t interested in “reconnecting”, her word, not mine.  I wished her well in her new retirement and left it like that.  We are cordial at family events but I keep my distance.

 

It was the right decision for me.  When our sister was dying, she showed her true colours again and I knew I made the right decision.  She has shown me many times since that I made the right move.

 

I bear her no ill will but I have no desire to continue a close relationship with her or to be her hotel when she visits our city.

 

IMO, you should return the call but be prepared to say “no” and step away if she is moving ina direction you don’t want to go.  Best wishes.  LM

Highlighted
Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,887
Registered: ‎03-20-2010

I have a sister just like her, toxic and self centered. Keep your distance, and don’t worry about it. I do that-  She will never change.  Enjoy your life and I hope you have plenty of friends that cherish you. 

Highlighted
Honored Contributor
Posts: 10,879
Registered: ‎06-17-2015

@ID2 wrote:

OP, trust me, there will come a day when you will have wished you called your sister! She's family. You both are getting older and won't be around forever. Take the high road and make amends. 



@ID2 wrote:

OP, trust me, there will come a day when you will have wished you called your sister! She's family. You both are getting older and won't be around forever. Take the high road and make amends. 


@ID2   Agreee 100%.  Not to mention that there are always two sides to every family drama.

 

@mintedrose You are hung up on things that happened when you were a child??

Unless you can let go, examine your role in this dysfunctional relationship, and step up with a refreshed attitude-nothing will every be solved.

 

Nobody is 100% victim and nobody is 100% wrong. 

 

We view our past through distorted lenses, whether we want to admit it or not.

 

Some of your complaints may be real to you but are they true?  Have you been honest about your own role?  Your sister may have hurt feelings, too.

 

In order to mend any relationship both parties have to be honest and own their respective roles in the dysfunction.

 

In the end, as others said, the day will come when you wish you had called, when you wish you had viewed this with an open mind, and most importantly you cannot mend a relationship once the person is dead.

 

Think about it.   It isn't all about you.

""Out beyond the ideas of right-doing and wrong-doing, there is a field. I will meet you there." -Rumi
Highlighted
Frequent Contributor
Posts: 126
Registered: ‎10-28-2014

@mintedrose  I am sorry to read you are having such challenges.  My sister and I have pretty much the same type of relationship.  I understand the feeling of wanting to have someone to talk to, but also wanting to keep your distance.  After a few years of her and I not talking, she only really calls or sends me a text when she wants or needs something.  She never asks about how things are with me or what's going on with me.  I had to decide that I was ok with that relationship in order to find self-peace. Do you have any close girlfriends?  Sometimes a close girlfriend can be your sister without being blood related.

Highlighted
Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,841
Registered: ‎03-11-2010

You and your sister aren't kids anymore.  Put your big girl pants on and decide what's best for you.  You don't need the advice of strangers to live your life.  Every family has drama, it's up to you how much you want.  I wish you the best in your decision making.

Highlighted
Super Contributor
Posts: 282
Registered: ‎06-02-2010

@mintedrose   - I am so sorry this has happened to you.  I am sorry your sister treats you this way.  I understand completely.  Many of my sisters treat me in a similar way. 

 

Last summer I found out and read extensively about Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  In my family it fits.  It explains a lot but doesn't excuse their behavior.  Perhaps reading about NPD will help you also. 

 

Sending calm and loving thoughts for you Heart   

Highlighted
Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,844
Registered: ‎03-19-2010

@mintedrose

Its obvious that this phone call situation is bugging you or you wouldn't have posted.

 

I say just call her.  Remind yourself to be casual, courteous and vague about your personal information.

Highlighted
Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,821
Registered: ‎02-16-2018

@RobbiesAuntJenny wrote:

@mintedrose   - I am so sorry this has happened to you.  I am sorry your sister treats you this way.  I understand completely.  Many of my sisters treat me in a similar way. 

 

Last summer I found out and read extensively about Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  In my family it fits.  It explains a lot but doesn't excuse their behavior.  Perhaps reading about NPD will help you also. 

 

Sending calm and loving thoughts for you Heart   


@RobbiesAuntJenny Very good advice.

Highlighted
Valued Contributor
Posts: 826
Registered: ‎01-21-2011

I had 4 sisters, all much older than me.  The oldest was married and out of state before I was born and we never had a close relationship.  When she did visit, I can still remember some of the horrible things she'd say to me.  She just passed recently and though we had somewhat of a mended relationship,  her passing didn't affect me as we had only seen each other maybe 25 times .  The other 2 sisters who lived close and died within a year of each other, well I miss them terribly and still cry constantly.

 

But the sister closest to me in age was the one I worshipped.  She was so beautiful she got stares everywhere we went.  Everyone loved her.  When she moved out west, I was crushed.  She divorced her husband and quickly developed an unusual lifestyle.  When my mother and I visited, we were like 2 country bumpkins and she was this exotic, stunning woman who had a lot --and I mean a lot-- of men in her life.  Over the next several years, when she did visit back east, she became more of an oddity and the stares were for a different reason. She resented the fact that my mother and i and the rest of her family were living decent, middle-class lives and her life had changed.  

 

Long story short, she quit talking to all of us except the ones she asked for money.  My mother died and she wouldn't come to the funeral.  I never spoke another word to her and I never regretted it.  She was the favorite daughter and this was the ultimate betrayal to my mother.  She chose to exclude most of us from her later years and when she died,  27 years had passed w/o contact .  I can't pretend to have feelings for anyone, blood or not, who cause you to have bad memories.  

 

I'm with many other posters, forget her and enjoy the people who don't make you feel badly.

Highlighted
Honored Contributor
Posts: 20,086
Registered: ‎07-21-2011

@mintedrose    Call your sister and if she starts tearing you apart tell her you are going to hang up now because she constantly criticizes instead of listening and frankly, you don't need that in your life.  You need to run your own life and people that try to take you down don't belong in it.  Life is too short.  Take care.  Cat Tongue

kindness is strength