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Valued Contributor
Posts: 553
Registered: ‎03-04-2017

Should I call her back?

[ Edited ]

My older sister called me after 3 years. I was the one who called her about 2 years ago and she sounded less than enthused to hear from me. She sounded a bit cold, didnt say much or share much of anything so i stopped calling. She texts once in a blue moon so i just reply in a short message. I know that she has been going through a lot but from what i can remember as a child, she always was. So, im kinda tired hearing about the same ol things. I usually can hear from my mom how shes doing and so on so i know shes ok.

 

Ever since i got married she's reduced contact with me and i really think its because im no longer the kleenex she once had. I dont wanna be a punching bag or her free time call anymore. I resent that she always makes everything about her everytime as if all the things happening in her life are more important and concerning whereas others are little pee-ons who dont matter. When i was going through a tough tough time, i was all alone and all she could do was make snide comments and not one kind word to me Ever! I did confront her about it and all she said was that how come i dont remember the good things she's done. The thing is I do remember them and have loved her for them, but she berates people afterwards. So how does one remember a good thing someone had done for you when you rip them apart from their dignity afterwards? You just dont! Quick story, I was 11 and she took me to the hair stylist for a hair cut because she thought my hair was too long. The hair dresser took me back and said she thought i could use a deep condition so i said ok. When i was done with a horrible hair cut, she charged extra $10 for the conditioner. My sister ripped me apart infront of the entire salon and strangers. She told me i was an idiot and how could i have approve a huge $10 charge which now she has to pay for. (Mind you she has no financial problems). I was beyond shocked and humiliated!!! I still remember trying so hard not to cry infront of strangers and holding on to my worth. Mind you, I was 11 and new to the place. Yah that and many other scenarios have left a very sore spot and tons of old pain which i dont wanna visit. So, Ive stepped back because i find it emotionally manipulative.

 

Anyway, Im hesitating to call her back because Im going through a lot myself right now and although i really wish i had someone to talk to, im not sure if i wanna share it with her because im left with strange feelings afterwards. And im not supersticious in any way but everytime i tell her something that im really happy about, it just turns out not good. I know it sounds so silly but its happened way to many times so ive stopped sharing good news w her. Sorry for the long rant but im not really sure i wanna call her right now but if i dont she will hold me responsible for not reaching out to her. 

~No act of kindness, no matter how small is ever wasted~ Aesop
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Honored Contributor
Posts: 25,719
Registered: ‎01-08-2011

I totally understand your family dynamics, from a first hand knowledge.  I would let her call you again.  If you don't want to keep a toxic door open, you certainly don't have to.  

 

I'm sorry that you have this in your life.  I'll keep you in my prayers.

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Honored Contributor
Posts: 22,665
Registered: ‎05-10-2010

You have virtually no relationship with her.  You don't like the woman, you don't want to talk to the woman and you don't care about why she called you.  You are carrying a grudge from way back in your past.  So, do her and yourself a favor and don't return her call.  Don't return any of her calls and texts, eventually she will get the message that you don't want a relationship with her.  You have history so she'll know why.  

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Posts: 5,982
Registered: ‎08-19-2014

 @mintedrose    I totally understand your family drama. I too have stepped away from a couple of family members.And you know what? I’m so much better off for it. I’m calmer & happier.

  You are not in this world to be anybody's whipping board.If your sister is toxic to your happiness then step back.Let her reach out.If you must keep her at arms length so you can breathe then do it. The only person you have to answer to is yourself!!

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Posts: 1,419
Registered: ‎10-12-2010

Re: Should I call her back?

[ Edited ]

Sad to say but I too have been there. Cut the strings. You won’t beleive how much better you feel. My friends feel like my sisters more than my sister ever did. I don’t regret it and have never looked back. It’s been over 10 years since we last spoke and I am in my mid 60’s. Wish I would of done it a lot sooner. She brought no happiness to my life and has always been A miserable person and poor me and life didn’t exist out of her world. If it didn’t effect her nothing mattered. I could say a lot more but I won’t. I just don’t regret it and would have no interest in talking to her now, if she ever reached out I would not respond. That’s how much better my life is without her. Life is to short and I am enjoying mine. She is my only sibling. But like I said I have many other sisters that truly have been there for me. 

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Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,845
Registered: ‎09-15-2016

@mintedrose   If it's going to bother you that you didn't return her call, then call...you don't have to share anything personal with her & you certainly don't have to listen to her problems, just make it a quick chit chat about nothing important & goodbye. I have a relative that's the same & I call back because I think it's the right thing to do but as soon as the conversation goes bad I simply end the call with no regrets.

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Posts: 8,280
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

@mintedrose  ....I am in a simular situation....I no longer have contact with 2 sisters....one always had something going on and was very good about creating a big scene, nothing was ever her fault, the other just did what the other sister told her to do.....I am better off with out them but will say I miss having family...holidays, shared experiences, etc....there is a trade off.


My 2 best friends are like family, and I am grateful for their friendship.

 

 I WOULD NOT share with her what you are going thru, if you want a relationship, keep it very surface level.

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Posts: 4,494
Registered: ‎03-12-2010

Sometimes things can change. One of my sisters was an alcoholic for decades. She was drinking hard at the time of our mother's death and did and said some cruel and unspeakable things to me. I did not meet her expectations apparently. She had expectations of everyone but herself. We kept our distance from each other. Over time, the door was allowed to open a little bit from both sides, so to speak. She wanted me to hate her as much as she hated me, but I wasn't having it. We are probably never going to be close, but we can speak to each other and be in the same room, at the same family table, etc. five years later. She is now sober, which is as blessing.

 

@mintedrose  : please know that your anger and resentment toward your sister will have a negative impact on the entire family dynamic, ruining special events. Siblings,spouses, nieces and nephews will all pay the price. My sister was the only one of my siblings and their spouses who declined to attend my daughter's wedding, even though she had a ride from other relatives who attended and she was living in their home at the time.

 

Be the bigger person- for yourself. Get your support elsewhere. Do not resent being an ear to listen to what she has to say. Think of an excuse to end the call gently before you return her call if you need to do so. She reached out to you. Don't be too quick to assume the worst. Accept her as best you can, on your own terms. It is not your job to change her, but do look out for yourself. I hope you will try and I wish you all the best in your efforts.

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Honored Contributor
Posts: 13,736
Registered: ‎03-09-2010
Yes, you should call her.You'll know soon enough if you'd like to have a long or short conversation. Either way, you shouldn't ignore your own sister.
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Posts: 14,835
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

I think if your sister makes you miserable and you can’t trust her then what is the point of the relationship after all of this time.You don’t sound very optimistic about her call and so after reading your post I would say not to call her back.If she wants a relationship with you let her make the effort to build back the trust.