Among Friends

[Lindsays Grandma]

Moonchilde, I almost cried reading your post.  Because I had the most loving loving, giving, understanding parents it breaks my heart to know someone like you didn't have that growing up.  I am so sorry you were treated badly, no child should have to live that way.  I hope you were able to overcome as much as you could into adulthood and had and still have a good life.

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@Moonchilde wrote:

@chickenbutt, my mother was less consciously abusive (though she could be) than she was just disinterested and clueless, and rather self-involved. I used to tell her (non-judgmentally) that she shouldn't have had kids. She would never ever have said she didn't want me or my sister, because in the 40s and 50s that's what you did...have kids. She wouldn't even have recognized she would be happier without. But she never identified as a mother, only as a wife and an attractive, sought-after woman. Kids? Well, yeah, they're there, but whatever ;-(

Between my mother tearing me down emotionally and mentally and my stepfather demonstrating classic bullying and browbeating (emotionally) into "submission", I never wanted to either be married or have kids...and I haven't.

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[Moonchilde]

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@Lindsays Grandma wrote:

Moonchilde, I almost cried reading your post.  Because I had the most loving loving, giving, understanding parents it breaks my heart to know someone like you didn't have that growing up.  I am so sorry you were treated badly, no child should have to live that way.  I hope you were able to overcome as much as you could into adulthood and had and still have a good life.

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@Moonchilde wrote:

@chickenbutt, my mother was less consciously abusive (though she could be) than she was just disinterested and clueless, and rather self-involved. I used to tell her (non-judgmentally) that she shouldn't have had kids. She would never ever have said she didn't want me or my sister, because in the 40s and 50s that's what you did...have kids. She wouldn't even have recognized she would be happier without. But she never identified as a mother, only as a wife and an attractive, sought-after woman. Kids? Well, yeah, they're there, but whatever ;-(

Between my mother tearing me down emotionally and mentally and my stepfather demonstrating classic bullying and browbeating (emotionally) into "submission", I never wanted to either be married or have kids...and I haven't.

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What a lovely sweet reply, @Lindsays Grandma - thank you :-)

The thing that blew me away, once I became an adult, is that my mother was treated exactly the same by her mother, and I knew she'd been hurt by that - things her mother said and did, actions taken and not taken, etc. So you would think she would try very hard to be a different kind of mother than she had "suffered" - but no. Clueless.

Not a horrible person, but not the person I put on a pedestal for so many years, either.

For some reason (I have not much clue why) I have had a fairly healthy sense of self-worth since my mid-20s. Maybe once I entered The (working) World and started getting feedback that I was good at what I did, valuable, worthy, and that I helped people (emotionally - I'm a good listener), I started to believe it.

But all of my adult life I have despised emotionally manipulative people - and I let them know I see them coming fives miles away. Doesn't.work.on.me - bt;dt ;-)

[chickenbutt]

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Lindsays Grandma wrote:

chickenbutt...My daughter is somewhat like your husband, it drives me crazy.  I will ask a question or make a statement and she immediately goes on the defense taking my words as an attack.  I need to find out how to fix this because communicating with someone like that is no fun.

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chickenbutt wrote:

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blackhole99 wrote:

I wouldn't say I'm sensitive, I know when someone is rude or uncaring, but I do not take every little thing to heart. My husband on the other hand is very sensitive, so I have to choose my words and actions carefully and I try to. That being said, it's tedious being around someone like that 24/7.

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I can relate.  My husband is somewhat sensitive in that you can say something to him, or ask a question, and he processes it as an attack.

I've worked hard to get him to understand that when I ask a question I'm just asking a question, not attacking him.   He's doing better with it.  But it can be exhausting dealing with people who translate what you say into something else all the time.

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The best thing I've found is discussing it with the person in a way that you can have them understand what you're saying and how their response makes you feel like you don't even want to talk to them.

I have had a couple of discussions about this with my husband and, basically, he seems to get it.  Sometimes he reverts back to old habits and just a tiny prodding gets him to see that he's doing it again.

Also, I tell him that I appreciate it when we ARE able to have a conversation, or me asking a question, without him becoming defensive.

I don't think it has anything to do with me, and your scenario probably has nothing to do with you either, that he does that.  I think it's something that triggers it that they haven't dealt with yet.  

[Mominohio]

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@Shogirl wrote:

I think there are two kinds of sensitivity -

A person can be sensitive to the needs of others (a good thing).

or

A person can be too sensitive if they take offense to every little thing (not such a good thing). 

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This pretty much is it in a nutshell. Perfectly stated.

And I don't waste a lot of time tip toeing around those that are sensitive in the second definition. If I know they are like that, I avoid them, as I don't wish to hurt them, but refuse to be overly cautious about everything I say or do because they can't toughen up and take the reality of life.

As far as those sensitive in the first sense, I admire them, and try to be more like them.