Among Friends

[HLP]

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@golding76 wrote:

[Thoughtful and kind responses would be appreciated.  I am certain there are other women on this forum who have experienced something similar to this.  I've spoken to two people about this, but they have no similar experience.]

Today I learned that my first husband passed away recently.  Some of you who have read my posts know that he and I had a tempestuous and painful brief marriage after seven years of dating.  When the discussions here centered on leaving a dangerous marriage, I weighed in honestly.  I did that not to denigrate him but to wake up an innocent soul to abuse.   I was an innocent and it took a lot to wake me up.

In other posts, I have stated that he and I became friends over the years, and that at very bad times in one another's life, contacted each other.  Examples:  The deaths of two of his infant children and the deaths of my husband and brother.  He and my brother were born the same month of the same year, and they liked one another. .

You also might remember from my posts that I last saw my ex-husband in Greece (where he has lived for decades) in 2003.  I went in July and in October of 2003, and we met up for lunch and a chat both times.  My sons met him during the July visit.

This year, for the first time since I met him in 1961, he (or his mother, who has now passed on) did not wish me a happy birthday.  Our annual catch-up for decades has been a brief email (or a telephone call before the advent of email) on our birthday.  The contact served the purpose of letting the other one that we were alive and wished the other only the best.  When he lived in England for about a decade, his mother always wished me well on my birthday.  So, someone from his family always contacted me on my birthday.

When I didn't hear from him on my birthday this year, I worried that his illness might have worsened, but I did not wish to call a cousin of his in Maryland to ask because we are not in close contact.  Don't get me wrong, we are friendly to one another and they always called me for special birthdays of my former mother-in-law, but we do not really stay in touch.

My ex even visited me when I was single.  No hanky-panky.  Just a visit.  One time we even visited Marathon, Fla., for a week together along with another couple we were close friends with and had divorced, too.  This was the sort of insane living that I never liked, but he and I remained friends.  

So, I find that I am crying on and off and, of course, sad.  This feeling that I have is not the searing and debilitating feeling of loss that I felt (and still feel, to some degree) when my second ("real" husband, I call him) died.  It has a peculiar ache, though.

What is it that I am feeling?  Loss of the past?  Guilt for any wrongs I committed toward him?  You know, the last few weeks I was thinking if I would let him know I was in Greece if I ever visit again.  Why?  Because I've totally lost my shape.  How silly...

Now, I'll never see him again on Earth.  Take my advice.  If you have a chance to see an old loved one or friend and you hesitate because you no longer look as attractive as you once did, forget about it and go visit them.  Life is short. 

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Why don't you try for 3, that will make you forget him.

[meallen616]

[sugarbee]

Lost loves are never lost - they are always in your heart.  Just cherish the memories you shared with him.

[jubilant]

@golding76  I'm sorry for your loss. I think your feelings are very normal.  Whenever someone has been a part of your life for so long, it's a fairly big part of a life lived. Those memories seem not to leave us. It is part of grieving.  These feelings may not go away right away but they can be put in perspective so that life moves forward. I said a prayer for you that God will give you comfort and wisdom as you move forward.

[goldensrbest]

I am sorry for your loss,  perhaps the end of a connection of a person you had in your life, it shows how much you care about people.

[manny2]

You had a complicated relationship, @golding76  that against all odds turned into a friendship. So, you are mourning a friend. Of course, you are sad. Let yourself mourn it’s ok.

Let go of the guilt. It is common to feel regret when someone passes, and we haven’t seen them or had contact. We don’t know what we don’t know. You had no idea he would pass away. If you did you would have either contacted him or seen him.

Time will dull the pain, and hopefully you will find peace.

[PamfromCT]

@golding76, I am most sorry for the intense grief you are going through.  Some have said grief is the price we pay for love.

Not meaning to overly simplify your feelings, but sometimes grief is complicated by your actual relationship with a person, versus “what might have been.”  I have experienced this myself in the past.

[GoneButNotForgotten]

Maybe it's regret and sadness for what might have been?

[golding76]

Once again, I want to thank all the good folks who clicked a heart and/or posted their understanding of what I am feeling.

Unless you have a loved one or good friend in your life from your childhood or your high school years, it is rare to have someone who is not a relative in your life for decades.  My first husband was such an individual for me.

Although for all the decades from our late 20s to the present day my ex-husband and I were not involved in one another's daily life to have any real additional memories or impact, our continued once-a-year birthday connection created a thread that stitched us together no matter how flimsy the connection.  Maybe some pleasant memories and gratitude for what each gave the other as we found our way into adulthood was enough for us to have loving respect for one another till the end of time.

What made the breakup especially difficult was that I had truly become a member of his family of origin.  We all really loved one another during the good years, and I was able to enjoy my parents-in-law until each one passed away.

Strange as it might seem, my former in-laws were present at the birthday party where I met my wonderful second husband.  My father-in-law died within five months of that party, but my former mother-in-law met and very much liked my second husband.  He liked her, too.

As for ruing what might have been, I accepted long ago that my first husband and I were not a good match, but I am forever grateful to him for so much that helped usher in another period in my life -- one full of joy and love.

[I think that the thoughts you all (I'm southern-born, remember) shared with me helped me figure out what is going on in my head -- along with my own review of my life with my ex.  - Thank You!]

[Zhills]

Recently experienced the same situation...married 10 years, 3 children.  Been divorced many years.  I've known him since the 8th grade, and, yes, I am sad!  I hope it is normal.