[Thoughtful and kind responses would be appreciated. I am certain there are other women on this forum who have experienced something similar to this. I've spoken to two people about this, but they have no similar experience.]
Today I learned that my first husband passed away recently. Some of you who have read my posts know that he and I had a tempestuous and painful brief marriage after seven years of dating. When the discussions here centered on leaving a dangerous marriage, I weighed in honestly. I did that not to denigrate him but to wake up an innocent soul to abuse. I was an innocent and it took a lot to wake me up.
In other posts, I have stated that he and I became friends over the years, and that at very bad times in one another's life, contacted each other. Examples: The deaths of two of his infant children and the deaths of my husband and brother. He and my brother were born the same month of the same year, and they liked one another. .
You also might remember from my posts that I last saw my ex-husband in Greece (where he has lived for decades) in 2003. I went in July and in October of 2003, and we met up for lunch and a chat both times. My sons met him during the July visit.
This year, for the first time since I met him in 1961, he (or his mother, who has now passed on) did not wish me a happy birthday. Our annual catch-up for decades has been a brief email (or a telephone call before the advent of email) on our birthday. The contact served the purpose of letting the other one that we were alive and wished the other only the best. When he lived in England for about a decade, his mother always wished me well on my birthday. So, someone from his family always contacted me on my birthday.
When I didn't hear from him on my birthday this year, I worried that his illness might have worsened, but I did not wish to call a cousin of his in Maryland to ask because we are not in close contact. Don't get me wrong, we are friendly to one another and they always called me for special birthdays of my former mother-in-law, but we do not really stay in touch.
My ex even visited me when I was single. No hanky-panky. Just a visit. One time we even visited Marathon, Fla., for a week together along with another couple we were close friends with and had divorced, too. This was the sort of insane living that I never liked, but he and I remained friends.
So, I find that I am crying on and off and, of course, sad. This feeling that I have is not the searing and debilitating feeling of loss that I felt (and still feel, to some degree) when my second ("real" husband, I call him) died. It has a peculiar ache, though.
What is it that I am feeling? Loss of the past? Guilt for any wrongs I committed toward him? You know, the last few weeks I was thinking if I would let him know I was in Greece if I ever visit again. Why? Because I've totally lost my shape. How silly...
Now, I'll never see him again on Earth. Take my advice. If you have a chance to see an old loved one or friend and you hesitate because you no longer look as attractive as you once did, forget about it and go visit them. Life is short.
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