@MacDUFF
Thanks for asking about Ruth. She is the eldest child of three. The middle sister lives in Chicago and will be coming for a visit for a couple of days. She then needs to return to Chicago, to her job. The youngest sister lives in MI (I think no more than 25 miles), works full time and has a child, so she will help as she is able. R has two sons - one that is special needs who will be quitting his job as R's request. He cannot drive so getting him to and from work has been Ruth's responsibility, with some assistance from R's Ma. It's not like taking a bus to work is an option and he is part time and the nature of the job is crazy shifts. As we go off of daylight savings time, it will get darker sooner and R doesn't want her Ma driving in the dark as Ma has cataracts. Her other son doesn't work and will be the primary caregiver. The son that doesn't work does do the yard work, cleans the house and stuff so he's not a total slug or anything. He does have really bad asthma. Since he will probably be running her to the appointments, she doesn't want everything to fall on him which is why she told her other son he needs to leave his job.
When my DH was diagnosed with cancer, it was my first experience, up close with cancer or really any life threatening illness in someone I love. I wasn't one of those people who didn't want to know the real deal. I asked pointed questions of physicians like stage and prognosis and got the runaround from every doctor I talked to. I took FMLA and was with my husband from mid Nov until the day he died after New Year. I ran like a ninny and did everything I knew how to get him what he wanted, what he needed. I believe my husband was the only one who knew it was worse than what doctor's said.
My eldest sister told me later that when she saw him briefly around Christmas that he looked like someone who had been through rounds of chemo instead of as someone who was just starting chemo.
I carry a guilt about that time in my beloved's life that no amount of talking from anyone, including a therapist will ever get rid of it. So please, don't write, it was not my fault (wink).
I've apologized to my DH for my ignorance about illnesses like that and I apologize for learning through his experience.
Since his death, I listen like I've never listened before. I listen to what patient's say, how they say it, what they don't say.
When R and I speak, I hear the exhaustion in her (and she hasn't even started treatment yet). She'll mention what she eats in a day and I know that cannot sustain anyone for any period of time. She can't keep much down now, how is she going to keep anything down if they introduce chemo?
So, when we talk, I let her lead the conversation. If she wants to talk about how she feels, we talk about it. If she wants to talk about something else, we talk about it. When I am on the phone, I do not choke up, I do not cry. We talk like we did before the diagnosis. She has not seen the specialist yet and is not one to google anything, so when she talks about feeling better after starting treatment I say, mental attitude is half the battle.
There are times when you must speak, not because you are going to change the opposing side, but because if you do not speak, they have changed you.
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