Among Friends

[Tinkerbell3]

I have honestly never heard of anyone giving cash before? Why would people do that?

I would absolutely talk to your brother about this! I find it absolutely inappropriate and, quite frankly, rude and classless that your SIL did this!!!  Who takes cash and keeps it?? WOW!

I would have donated the money!

[Tinkerbell3]

Don't people write checks to the charitable organization??? I have never heard of giving cash. This is very strange. I have made contributions directly to organizations with a note indicating that the donation was made in honor of a specific person.

[chrystaltree]

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@Miss Shelly wrote:

I grew up in western PA where it is very common to give money to the family of the deceased.  There are donation/memorial cards provided by the funeral home and most people put cash or check into the envelope and drop them into a locked box.  The family uses the money for whatever is needed.  Sometimes it goes to a favorite charity, pays for a mass in the deceased name if the donor requested it, or it helps pay for funeral expenses, etc.  

It also helps a family with basic living expenses because when a wage earner dies, the paycheck dies.  There's no paycheck coming into that family and it takes  a while for the insurance benefits and Social Security to kick in.  So, that's why some people give cash to the families who have lost someone.    

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[VaBelle35]

When my grandfatehr died (first funeral I ever went to), my grandmother received tons of money.  My grandparents were very well off.  My grandmother said it was guilt money because my grandfather had lent all of his and her brothers and sisters (19 in total) money over the years that was never paid back. 

My grandmother kept a list ;o)

re blankets

Jill was selling throws on YHJ one time and mentioned tha twhen her father passed, she received a warm cozy blanket from someone and talked about how it was like a hug.  I thought that was really interesting and I tucked that away for future reference.

[NYC Susan]

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@LizzieInSRQ wrote:

Blankets, lanterns, cash...when someone has passed...ive never heard of this, never received it. Ive donated in their memory to a charity when its mentioned. I borrowed ( and paid back) money to cremate my brother. 

Still scratching my head over blanket and lantern gifts...wha?

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I've heard of giving cash, but not blankets and lanterns.  Maybe it's a regional custom?

I've never received or given cash.  I have made donations in memory, either to a charity that was designated or to one that I knew would be meaningful to the family.

[NYC Susan]

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@Carmie wrote:

I think customs are different with families everywhere.  IMO, the money can be used for whatever reason the family sees fit to use it or it can be donated.

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I completely agree.  If it's needed for funeral expenses or anything else, I think that's fine.  If people only wanted it to be donated, they would be donating it directly themselves.  I think the intent of giving at the time of the loss of a loved one is that the family should use it however they would like.  

[NYC Susan]

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@Snoopp wrote:

Maybe you can talk to your brother and together, take all monies and donate to a charity you both agree on.

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JMO, but I wouldn't do that.  It's done.  There's no point in kicking up a fuss about it.  In my family we would have discussed what to do with the money.  But the relationships here are strained, so just splitting it 50/50 is probably best.

The OP almost certainly has a lot of conflict ahead of her.  I think it would be wise for  her to choose her battles.

[icezeus]

My co-workers father passed last year. As a group a card was purchased, and we all put in whatever cash we wanted and gave it to her. It was just an expression to acknowledge her loss.

I don't think there is a right or wrong answer to give cash or not. As for your SIL, it's not worth the headache that it's causing you.

It's done, just move on.

[NYC Susan]

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@RedTop wrote:

Most of the time money is to help the family with expenses; extra food and supplies to accommodate company, or even gas money to help out family members who might have travel expenses.   Sometimes it is for a donation, but the giver prefers the family make the donation to avoid being on someone’s mailing list.   

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Maybe it's just me, but I think that's terrible.  If someone wants to make a donation, they should make a donation.  Giving the money to the family and forcing them to make the donation - because of mailing list worries! - is not at all in the spirit of what this is supposed to be about.  

[RedTop]

@Tinkerbell3 ,

Here in West Virginia, giving cash in a sympathy card is very common.  

Simply put, many of our neighbors are struggling and living paycheck to paycheck; these families are not prepared for funeral expenses.   I am seeing more and more requests for donations to be given directly to the funeral home to cover expenses.   Flower shops are struggling here because orders for funeral flowers has dropped off tremendously.  

I send flowers to people to enjoy when they are alive, not after they die.   My family specifically requests donations to our church, a local food pantry, and the animal shelter.   People here are more likely to donate directly to these groups because they won’t wind up on a mailing list afterwards.   

We specifically give money to widows to help with her needs until Social Security processes the husbands benefits.  Many women don’t realize the monthly benefit is often retracted based on the day of the month the husband died; it is pulled from the account, which creates a short term financial crunch for that new widow.   Cash from friends comes in very handy for the 8+ weeks it may take to reprocess those benefits.   

An elderly friend of ours passed last week.  3 of his children lived out of state, so 19 family members arrived the day before he died; the boys and their families stayed with their mother, in the big house they were raised in, and the sister and her family stayed with the sibling who lives here.   Feeding and housing that many people for 5+ days gets expensive; added expense for water and sewage with daily showers, extra laundry, higher electric bill.  Just the family with the mom at her house, were going thru 4 bags of ice a day.   This particular family could handle this extra expense, but many of my neighbors could not, which is why we give money to help with these needs.