Receiving money at a funeral & thanking - Page 5

Sooner · ‎03-10-2010

@hyacinth003 wrote:
Ah, another post in relation to my Dad's passing.

My brother and I received many sympathy cards in relation to the death of our Dad. They were all kind, thoughtful, and much appreciated. One of the cards contained cash. When my mother passed away, we had a formal wake, funeral, etc. and obituary for her. My dad asked that contributions be given in her memory to a foundation related to her illness in lieu of flowers. We got some flowers anyway!

My SIL sent me some cards she opened in a large envelope containing some business she forwarded. I know she opened them because my brother was out of town. On the card with cash, she wrote that she took half the money because my brother's name was on it. The envelope said "Hyacinth & Brother" on it. I am going to add some and donate this money to a local animal shelter that my Dad adopted his dogs from.

I want to write a thank you note to the giver, telling them what I did with it - donated to the animal shelter in memory of my Dad. I would have LIKED my SIL to have run this by me and maybe we could have donated ALL of it and make writing the thank you less complicated! I find taking the money very tacky, but am not mentioning it in the thank you.

I know some people think of giving money to help with funeral expenses or life expenses, etc. I never expected it! Anyone have another understanding of money gifts?

Hyacinth

@hyacinth003 Don't sweat the small stuff. Don't be too critical of small stuff like this.

pigletsmom · ‎11-21-2011

At least she sent half of the money. She didn't have to send it at all and you probably wouldn't have known. And your brother could have told her to open the mail. I don't really get what the issue is here. If they had just donated all the money and told you later would that have been ok?

Honestly I think they did the right thing here. They kept half to do what they want and you get half and you can do what you want. I'm not sure why it should all have gone to you. You've hated this woman for oer 20 years and now you're letting every little thing get to you. This incident isn't worth any aggravation at all.

denisemb · ‎12-07-2012

Interesting that customs vary throughout the country...

!st off re: "blankets":. I would best describe these as afghans. My cousins sent one with a spiritual, uplifting message to our mother's funeral on display with a few flowers on each corner. Also received a small framed picture with spiritual message and a few flowers. (I lived out of state, so I have/treasure these).

I know my family is uncommon from most. I had 75+ first cousins (knew every one by name). Since we had several florists and nursery people in our family (including my parents) there was no lack of flowers. My cousin, the florist and mom's godson, made me sob the 1st time I approached the viewing.because it touched me to the core.

Not only was the casket cover glorious, but he had tucked in a few small gardening tools and gloves. And other relatives (from both my mom & dad's side) incorporated gardening stepping stones in their floral tributes, or a potted plans in an appropriate wire stand - all that could be kept by us kids and grandkids in remembrance.

Back to money donations. When aunts/uncles passed, Mom would send flowers from "Blank" family. I would reimburse her my share, but also send a check to the family for "their choice". Don't care where it went: funeral expenses, mass cards, charity, trip to Disney World, or a case of booze.

Anyhow...I was responsible for sending the "thank you" notes for mom. Even sent to cards w//o money, thanking them for thinking of us.

I advise the OP to simply answer to whatever the giver's intention, or her choice if it wasn't designated. Don't bother with brother and SIL. I'd distance myself from them as well.

Maybe make a donation (on your own) to a mental health org. in your SIL's name?

Denise

denisemb · ‎12-07-2012

@pigletsmom wrote:

At least she sent half of the money. She didn't have to send it at all and you probably wouldn't have known. And your brother could have told her to open the mail. I don't really get what the issue is here. If they had just donated all the money and told you later would that have been ok?

Honestly I think they did the right thing here. They kept half to do what they want and you get half and you can do what you want. I'm not sure why it should all have gone to you. You've hated this woman for oer 20 years and now you're letting every little thing get to you. This incident isn't worth any aggravation at all.

Because the OP was the executor of the will and responsible for the deceases's wishes being carried outt?

Dad COULD have named son or made them co-executors. Makes me suspicious why dad didn't do that.

Denise

Helen852 · ‎03-11-2010

@Mom2Dogs I received a beautiful afghan blanket with my husbands name and years, also a beautiful wind chime. They are remembrances that we will cherish. Every time I hear the chimes I think of him sitting and calmly listening to them covered up in the afghan because he was always cold.

Helen852

LizzieInSRQ · ‎12-27-2010

@denisemb I wish I could give more than a heartforyourpost. What touching story of your family ( 75 first cousins!) andthehistoryreflowers, blankets etc. Thank You for taking time for your thoughts and experience I really enjoyed your post.

qbetzforreal · ‎08-28-2010

We received monies when our mother passed away. Use it to tie up loose ends of her estate. Say thank you to those who gave and forget about your SIL.

pigletsmom · ‎11-21-2011

@denisemb wrote:
@pigletsmom wrote:

At least she sent half of the money. She didn't have to send it at all and you probably wouldn't have known. And your brother could have told her to open the mail. I don't really get what the issue is here. If they had just donated all the money and told you later would that have been ok?

Honestly I think they did the right thing here. They kept half to do what they want and you get half and you can do what you want. I'm not sure why it should all have gone to you. You've hated this woman for oer 20 years and now you're letting every little thing get to you. This incident isn't worth any aggravation at all.
Because the OP was the executor of the will and responsible for the deceases's wishes being carried outt?

Dad COULD have named son or made them co-executors. Makes me suspicious why dad didn't do that.

I'm not sure this really has anything to do with the estate. It seems like OP was shocked by this custom and her brother probably was too. So they kept half and sent half. I guess they could have sent all of it and then she could have sent half back. From earlier discussions it sounds like there was more than enough money in the estate for funeral expenses so that's not an issue.

denisemb · ‎12-07-2012

@pigletsmom wrote:
@denisemb wrote:
@pigletsmom wrote:

At least she sent half of the money. She didn't have to send it at all and you probably wouldn't have known. And your brother could have told her to open the mail. I don't really get what the issue is here. If they had just donated all the money and told you later would that have been ok?

Honestly I think they did the right thing here. They kept half to do what they want and you get half and you can do what you want. I'm not sure why it should all have gone to you. You've hated this woman for oer 20 years and now you're letting every little thing get to you. This incident isn't worth any aggravation at all.
Because the OP was the executor of the will and responsible for the deceases's wishes being carried outt?

Dad COULD have named son or made them co-executors. Makes me suspicious why dad didn't do that.
I'm not sure this really has anything to do with the estate. It seems like OP was shocked by this custom and her brother probably was too. So they kept half and sent half. I guess they could have sent all of it and then she could have sent half back. From earlier discussions it sounds like there was more than enough money in the estate for funeral expenses so that's not an issue.

Guess you and I have different views toward monies left in a deceased person's memory.

Denise

Mom2Dogs · ‎03-09-2010

@Helen852 so sorry for the loss of your husband. I am glad you enjoy the afgan you received, The one my sister in law received was nice but that huge photo of my brother in law bothered me a bit.