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Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,105
Registered: ‎03-28-2010

Re: Receiving money at a funeral & thanking


@hyacinth003 wrote:

Ah, another post in relation to my Dad's passing.

 

My brother and I received many sympathy cards in relation to the death of our Dad.  They were all kind, thoughtful, and much appreciated.  One of the cards contained cash.  When my mother passed away, we had a formal wake, funeral, etc. and obituary for her.  My dad asked that contributions be given in her memory to a foundation related to her illness in lieu of flowers.  We got some flowers anyway!

 

My SIL sent me some cards she opened in a large envelope containing some business she forwarded.  I know she opened them because my brother was out of town.  On the card with cash, she wrote that she took half the money because my brother's name was on it.  The envelope said "Hyacinth & Brother" on it.  I am going to add some and donate this money to a local animal shelter that my Dad adopted his dogs from.

 

I want to write a thank you note to the giver, telling them what I did with it - donated to the animal shelter in memory of my Dad.  I would have LIKED my SIL to have run this by me and maybe we could have donated ALL of it and make writing the thank you less complicated!  I find taking the money very tacky, but am not mentioning it in the thank you.

 

I know some people think of giving money to help with funeral expenses or life expenses, etc.  I never expected it!  Anyone have another understanding of money gifts?

 

Hyacinth


It's not unusual on my father's or mother's side of the family to send money in a card.  And that's usually for funeral expenses.  There have been times of request to send to an organization or to set up a scholarship, but my Mom always insists on sending the money to the family and then they decide what to do with it....hopefully towards funeral costs or donation.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,984
Registered: ‎03-19-2010

Re: Receiving money at a funeral & thanking

[ Edited ]

Giving money for use of the family or towards mass is something that is not unusual in our region.  The history of it I do not know. 

 

The thank you cards we receive now are generally preprinted; sometimes custom printed.   Families will send them to many people; those who made a donation for mass; gave $s for use of family; sent flowers; sent food or made cookies for the repast celebration; traveled a long distance to pay respect.

 

The preprinted ones we have gotten always include a handwritten notation expressing thank you for any type of contribution we made whether it was a kind act or monetary.  If monies were donated, it is stated.  Then a few weeks later we generally get a notice from the charitable organization.  In any thank you we have received, the amount of $s we contributed was never mentioned.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 30,916
Registered: ‎05-10-2010

Re: Receiving money at a funeral & thanking

There is no hard and fast rule on this.  This is more about you and your SIL than it is about the money.  I wouldn't have taken half the money, I wouldn't have opened the envelope since it was addressed to my husband and not to me.  But, that's between them.  Some people donate to charities in the name of the deceased.  But some people and some jobs (like mine) give cash to family members to assist with funeral expenses, travel, the repast etc etc.  When my mom passed, I was a little embarrassed by the big amount that my co-workers collected.  They passed it to me at the wake in a brown interoffice envelope.  Something like that is the same as bringing meals to the family.  We did get some money tucked into sympathy cards from my mom's friends but we didn't know about that money for weeks.  I didn't have the strength to look at sympathy cards for several weeks.  My middle brother and I paid for the repast, he and his son took on the task of closing my mothers aparment and disposing/donating things.  He picked up some of her friends and drove them to the wake and then to the funeral.  We assumed that the people who wanted to donate to my mother's charities did so.  My brother and I split the cash contributions.  

Honored Contributor
Posts: 15,519
Registered: ‎09-01-2010

Re: Receiving money at a funeral & thanking

 

It is very common for sympathy cards to contain cash here in my area of West Virginia, and it is done for several reasons.  

 

Flowers/houseplants are no longer very popular; too expensive, family requests no floral arrangements, or there are no formal services held.  

 

Most of the time money is to help the family with expenses; extra food and supplies to accommodate company, or even gas money to help out family members who might have travel expenses.   Sometimes it is for a donation, but the giver prefers the family make the donation to avoid being on someone’s mailing list.   

 

For women who have just lost husbands, I often put money in a card, to help with expenses while Social Security takes care of  changing the husbands retirement check  over to surviving spouse benefits.   Many families here live paycheck to paycheck, and it creates a hardship for the widow to wait the length of time for the spousal income to get switched over.   

 

Money gifts also help with postage for thank you notes.   

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,140
Registered: ‎07-01-2012

Re: Receiving money at a funeral & thanking

It has always been customary for our family to give money in a sympathy card for the deceased family.

However if it was requested by the family to donate to a particular charity then we would do that.

In addition, if it was not requested to not send flowers we would still do that in addition to the money and if there is no formal wake we would send a plant garden to the home, in your situation, one to you and one to your brother.

It has also been customary in our family to send a thank you card to anyone who had sent us a sympathy card with or without a donation.

 

There is nothing complicated concerning writing the thank you note to the people who did send money and half was kept by your SIL.  All you should do is write the thank you note and say thank you for your gift  (not needing to mention any amount), we donated it to the animal organization your dad was fond of in his remembrance.

 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 13,481
Registered: ‎11-24-2013

Re: Receiving money at a funeral & thanking

@hyacinth003 IMO your SIL is a greedy pig.

 

She KNEW she was not entitled to that money for her personal use. Showed her true colors. But you likely knew that.

 

Sorry you've had to deal with all this and sorry about your dad. I did not know until I read your post. Take care of yourself.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 20,160
Registered: ‎10-04-2010

Re: Receiving money at a funeral & thanking

When we've donated at a funeral before, it goes to a charity or ? of our choice in rememberance of the person who has passed.  The envelope had your name on it too, so that's where the person intended it to go.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 15,344
Registered: ‎05-01-2010

Re: Receiving money at a funeral & thanking

I have not heard about sending money. We check the obituary and unless it specifies a charity, we send flowers. If we go to the funeral home we bring a Mass card.

If we don’t go to the funeral home we send a sympathy card.

Frequent Contributor
Posts: 103
Registered: ‎09-29-2019

Re: Receiving money at a funeral & thanking

Local tradition in Hawaii is to give money at funerals. 

Most people give $10-$20 but if you were/are closer to the deceased or their family you give more. 

 

 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 41,253
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Receiving money at a funeral & thanking


@proudlyfromNJ wrote:

I have not heard about sending money. We check the obituary and unless it specifies a charity, we send flowers. If we go to the funeral home we bring a Mass card.

If we don’t go to the funeral home we send a sympathy card.


 

 

i had never heard about it either @proudlyfromNJ  until i read about it on these boards.

 

we do the same as you.

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