Among Friends

[RedTop]

@sfnative,

Your posts have reminded me of what my husbands aunt went thru with her husband.   He had always been anti-social; everyone accepted that and left him alone.  After forced retirement, he kept to himself even more and spent his days reading and tinkering on the farm.   It was not unusual for he and his wife to go all day without speaking a dozen words to each other.   He stayed in his area of the house, and she stayed in hers.   If one drove off in their vehicle, the other never questioned it.

Little by little, his behavior changed.   He had to know where she was every minute of the day.   If he went to the kitchen and she wasn't there, he hunted her down and demanded to know what she was doing.   If she was in the garden, he was either on the porch watching her, or watching out the window.   It progressed to him essentially stalking her thru the house.  

He was always furious with her, despite the fact she stayed out of his way and very rarely spoke to him.   He became obsessive that she was wasting electricity, so he flipped breakers in her areas of the house, leaving her in the dark.  She would get up in the mornings to find that he had dumped all the food out of the refrigerator---it might be in the trashcan if she was lucky, but usually it was in the floor or sink.  She went to a doctors appt and came home to find he had shot her TV.    Aunt just thought everything he did was a personal vendetta against her, and made more of an effort to stay out of his way.

Then came the day Aunt woke up in the wee hours of the morning to find him standing over her bed holding a loaded gun inches from her head, ordering her out of the house.   She showed up at my MIL's door in her nightgown, barefoot, with her purse.   He let her get in her car, and as she drove away, he was shooting at the vehicle.   It was easy for their son to bring her clothing, because everything of hers had been thrown out in the yard!  

Within a few months, son found his dad outside, wandering around in a daze.   Took him to the hospital where he was admitted for severe dehydration.  Within a few days, the diagnosis changed to end stage Alzheimer's, and the man died in the hospital soon after.   None of his family had a clue his behavior changes were any deeper than a mean old man who hated retirement, and took his anger out on his wife of 60 years.   

Prayers for your safety, and future happiness.   

[happycat]

@RedTop, your poor aunt. I have never heard of alzhiemers affecting someone like that. I guess we just never know. This is just so very sad and scary.

[jubilant]

@sfnative

I am still praying for you and hope you leave soon.  I have lost all my earthly possessions in a fire but we got out of the house with our lives.  That is the most important thing.  Things can be replaced...you can't.  I understand loosing those antiques and things that hold memories, but as I look back....they were not as important as my life and they were not worth running back into the house for.  Safety is the first concern.  Life is precious.  I don't mean to lecture you but feel, at this point, nothing is more important than your life dear sfnative.  Your are on my mind and in my prayers.

[CAcableGirl2]

@sfnative  Hope you have been able to start to get your possessions packed and moving ahead on your new life.  I can attest that a miserable marriage takes its toll on your health and once you are "free" of the constant stress of living with him, you will feel like the weight of the world is off your shoulders.   

It sounds like you've been dealing with him for many years...remember, people rarely change (and some NEVER change) and your physical and mental health and safety are your priority.  Possessions aren't important.  There is a brand new life waiting for you.  

Please update us as you are able, many of us are concerned and hoping that you are doing OK.

[sfnative]

@RedTop

I'm so incredibly sorry for what happened to your husband's Aunt: frightening, terrifying, horrible, demeaning and so many other adjectives come to mind.  I'm so glad she was able to drive that car away without being struck by a bullet.

In my case, I wouldn't doubt that my husband's brain is more than just aging.  On our trip north during the move, we stopped to visit an old family friend in the Valley and had plans to only stay over night.  Well, my husband got stinking drunk, but I didn't know it.  I was in on the sofa crocheting and he and our friend were at the diningroom table talking and apparently drinking one bottle of wine after another.  At one point, my husband went outside for "fresh air," caught his foot on the reat tire of a car in the driveway, went down hitting his head and shoulder on the concrete driveway and rolled onto the sidewalk unconscious.  No one inside knew he was in any trouble until the doorbell rang.  Some nice person driving by said, "There's a guy passed out on your sidewalk.  Does he belong to you?"  So out we go and there is my husband out cold.  We manage to rouse him and get him inside, bloody and all.  Took him to the E.R., where they did a brain CT, which showed lots and lots of spiderweb formations in the brain, which the ER doc said was not normal.  (Not a result of this incident.)  He was referring to drinking, heavy smoking and the more than rapid aging of his brain.

So...I believe that there is a certain degree of pathology involved here, albeit minimal in clinical terms, but still of some import.

[sfnative]

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@CAcableGirl2 wrote:

@sfnative  Hope you have been able to start to get your possessions packed and moving ahead on your new life.  I can attest that a miserable marriage takes its toll on your health and once you are "free" of the constant stress of living with him, you will feel like the weight of the world is off your shoulders.   

It sounds like you've been dealing with him for many years...remember, people rarely change (and some NEVER change) and your physical and mental health and safety are your priority.  Possessions aren't important.  There is a brand new life waiting for you.  

Please update us as you are able, many of us are concerned and hoping that you are doing OK.

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@CAcableGirl2

You're right: been dealing with this for many years and know very well that he's not going to change.  It will only get worse.

Honestly, I'm waiting for him to go away for that fishing weekend, which will now be in August instead of July and for him somehow to be away more during the day.  Because he's so involved with our HOA, he has to stick around most days to take and respond to emergent cases.

I've decided not to get "all het up" about this.  You've all given me wonderful advice; I've a great attorney; a list of plans.

And, my big "ETC.," is that I've decided to start an internet business to supplement my income, which will be greatly needed.  I've found a niche need here in the U.S. for a product that folks are purchasing from the U.K because few sell it here and it always sells out.  Am beginning work on my business plan now.

Thank you, again, for continued prayers.

[sfnative]

@jubilant

I am so incredibly sorry that you lost everything to a house fire.  A few friends had the same unfortunate experience in several of the San Diego area fires several years ago.  They all said the greatest blessing was to come out of it alive.  And that things are just things.

Your message comes through loud and clear and I thank you for that and your prayers and good thoughts.  Thanks so very much.

[sfnative]

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@Greeneyedlady21 wrote:

@sfnative I understand completely re the drinking. The fear of the explosion and rage and anger creates so much anxiety. Mine wasn't a husband and I don't have to live with it now.  The effects continue, I've gotten help.

Just being honest and I know you already know because you sure seem like one smart woman to me...some people will question and won't believe you. Will even take his side. But you know the truth and you will survive and prevail. That is on them, not you. You are finally putting yourself first and you should.

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@Greeneyedlady21

Oh so true!  He's as nice as can be to everyone in our townhouse community.  When it comes down to me leaving, I can just hear it, but like you've said, I'll know the truth.

[rustysmom]

Praying for you.