Ok, talk me out of this guilt... - Page 6

Tinkrbl44 · ‎08-23-2010

@Keeper of the koi wrote:
@GCR18, thank you, we had discussed this in Dec that Jan.would be last payments mortgage cable food.Due to seasonal buisness.we work all winter but will not see payment until spring while still paying our employees.He had anticipated a quicker va benifit payment.I can not carry another mortgage and all incures while i do not work.It was very strange the silence after stopping paying. It really hurts.He was texting 4 times a day calling everyday.I put my life on hold caring for his concerns. I m surprised to be treated so cool. While i was out of heat this week i texted him, his reply ,must be nice to afford a new furnace..This has been a rude awaking for me..Maryanne

@Keeper of the koi

You've gone above and beyond the call of sibling duty, and I see no reason why you should feel guilty now. It's not like he didn't know when payments would stop, right?

A few things come to mind here .....

First, he has gotten very comfortable with you as a financial safety net ... and may be feeling really vulnerable that the cash flow has stopped. It's a scary feeling, to be sure.

Secondly, it seems that he needs to jump in and deal with the VA .... and that may be really uncomfortable for him. Maybe ending up on VA disability benefits feels like his real life is over and the future looks bleak to him?

Thirdly, I think he's dealing with a lot of difficult emotions now and it isn't easy. He may feel badly that he had to rely on you in the first place, or resentful that you stopped the support.

Fourth, see link below. It's some food for thought about supporting a family member with a disability. You may know all of this already, but maybe something will give you some insights.

Whatever is going through his head now, you need to be able to step back and let him sort things out. Instead of trying to diagnose any comments of his, choose to send happy or encouraging texts. He'll get through this .... and so will you.

Consider yourself hugged ... twice.

http://www.wikihow.com/Support-a-Family-Member-with-a-Disability

Imadickens · ‎06-15-2016

First of all, I am sorry you are having to see your brother go through all this. I did not read all the posts, but you may not have divulged his problem. Do not feel guilty for anything at all concerning him. All we can do is all we can do, yet you seem to have done even more than that. Perhaps he is depressed! It happens often when someone who has been vital is forced to take help. If he is short with you, don't feel bad, he is having to take from you what he no longer is able to provide for himself. He may feel like you see him as a failure or less of a man. I suggest you do two more things for him. First, let his doctor know he may be depressed. Then, don't end communication with him. He has been your brother since birth. This should not change your relationship. He probably didn't want you to do this for him, but he had to. I don't know how old he is, but men now in their 70's up grew up in a period when men provided for the family, not women! Give him from now on, what you are able. I would say love and understanding would go a long way. Same goes for you, too! Understand and love yourself. Know when you need a rest, physical or emotional. When all else fails, let go and give it all to God. He'll know how to handle it!

Never underestimate the power of kindness.

NicksmomESQ · ‎08-19-2014

@Keeper of the koi You my friend are a wonderful person!! You have gone above & beyond to help your brother!! Your brother has taken advantage of your good nature!! He is a user.Some nerve saying he won't go back to work because he wants to enjoy life!! He doesn't get to enjoy life on your dime!!

Please be strong & continue to say no!! Good luck!!

sabatini · ‎06-29-2015

@Isobel Archer wrote:
@occasionalrain wrote:
It's an odd thing but people who have received help come to feel entitled to that help, as though it's owed to them. A pattern has been established and when it's not continued they resent it.

It happens with neighbors who are borrowers when they are told no more. They get angry and a feud begins. Past favors make them feel entitled to ongoing favors. When you ask for a return of a loan, the borrower takes offense. So, if you want to be generous, it's wise to do so anonymously.
@occasionalrain wrote:
It's an odd thing but people who have received help come to feel entitled to that help, as though it's owed to them. A pattern has been established and when it's not continued they resent it.

It happens with neighbors who are borrowers when they are told no more. They get angry and a feud begins. Past favors make them feel entitled to ongoing favors. When you ask for a return of a loan, the borrower takes offense. So, if you want to be generous, it's wise to do so anonymously.
Absolutely. People needing help already feel a loss of control. What they NEED is to find a way to get back to taking care of themselves. When that doesn't happen, they definitely resent any of the help they came to depend on being withdrawn. And even if it is continued, they come to resent its not being "enough."

That's why long term "help" is such a bad idea unless it focuses on getting people back on their feet.

ITA w/ both @occasionalrain and @Isobel Archer.

@Keeper of the koi, sometimes when a person like you does so much, it becomes invisible: 'Oh, that's just how Maryanne is.'

As if you have an extra $1,500 a month lying around, & are just looking for someone to give it to!

As far as your brother telling you that he was spending $60/week on frivolous phone cards, I'm not sure I believe him.

He might've said that just to hurt you - for you to think how 'meaningless' your money was to him.

It's like the classic Aesop Fable of The Fox and the Grapes: The fox couldn't reach the sweet grapes, so instead of admitting he'd failed, he said 'ah, they were probably sour anyway'.

You often hate (or act like you do) when you can't have something that you want.

He's your brother, and you can forgive him & love him, but DON'T EVER give or loan him another thin dime.

Good luck!

Muddling through...

chiclets · ‎07-01-2012

Feeling guilty because you perceive an offense for saying no more as though it was a crime or violation for doing so.

Help became habit. Habit became necessity. Necessity became dependency. Dependency became entitlement. Each was an additive condition that had to be dealt with individual consequence.

Feeling guilty because of caring and loving and maybe fear of not having that love anymore is hurting you, it is the remorse, not the money.

The best way for you and your brother to go forward is not to go back. Love is what it is. Love will be what it will be and you can not change it.