Valued Contributor
Posts: 579
Registered: ‎12-14-2015

Ok, talk me out of this guilt...

My brother was sick for an entire  year , i paid his mortgage food everything  he recieved wouldnt cover.  He had surgery  in Dec.Now recovered but waiting on va benifits.I paid uptill last month.His phone calls and texts are getting far and few between . I just this week had 12.000 furnace install. i cant give anymore.Called a little  while ago he was very short refused help with a VA senator  rep.. I feel terrible like i let him down, last thing  he said thanks  for calling. .Why am i feeling so guilty.I cant ask my husband  to support a grown mans home and life any longer.Any kind words...?Maryanne 

Regular Contributor
Posts: 240
Registered: ‎06-03-2010

Re: Ok, talk me out of this guilt...

You have done more than a lot of other people (and close relatives) would do.  Sometimes we are limited in what we are able to give, including emotional support, financial support, or even the ability to give tough love.  It sounds like you have given what you can, and he may be feeling guilty for relying on you during this time and going through an illness takes it's toll on people, some just get frustrated with dealing with the emotional and physical pain and some just give up.  It sounds like he is doing better physically, the emotional part may take some time.  Just give him some space and maybe try calling him in a week or so, and just see how he is doing...without asking what you can do.   He may just be going through a bad spell today....don't beat yourself up over this.  

Posts: 44
Registered: ‎04-27-2015

Re: Ok, talk me out of this guilt...

Please forgive me for being abrupt but...are you kidding me??? You are a saint. Stop being an enabler now.  You have gone far beyond the call of duty.  You are a wonderful giving person.  Your brother sounds selfish.  I would be calling you and thanking you every day for the rest of my life.  Sounds like he's on the road to recovery.  It's about time he takes responsibility for himself.  He is an adult and sounds like an ungrateful one at that.  You will be blessed for your kindness, generosity, and concern. Rest easy and be at peace. You are a wonderful sister.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,518
Registered: ‎03-04-2012

Re: Ok, talk me out of this guilt...

I think your brother really is having a hard time saying thank you - some people just have a hard time with this.  You have gone above and beyond - do not feel guilty.  You've been a great sister to him and I'm sure he realizes that. 

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,707
Registered: ‎05-14-2011

Re: Ok, talk me out of this guilt...

@Keeper of the koi  You are very compassionate and you love your brother so much!  Many blessings and prayers to you.  Your posts here are always so nice and I enjoy reading them.  BTW, my sweet mama's name is Mary Ann!Heart

I'm not short...I'm fun size!
Valued Contributor
Posts: 579
Registered: ‎12-14-2015

Re: Ok, talk me out of this guilt...

Thank you all so much, i know i did what i could, i am just feeling terrible thinking he is suffering, I  think i need to let him figure  this out i am his little sister he is 60, i just wish i could do more . hard to seperate the head and heart, hugs, Maryanne

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,109
Registered: ‎09-01-2010

Re: Ok, talk me out of this guilt...

My opinion is that you should feel absolutely no guilt.   You stood by your brother and gave your all to help him thru a bad time.   He's doing better; step back and let him handle his life now without your safety net.   

Regular Contributor
Posts: 173
Registered: ‎12-27-2010

Re: Ok, talk me out of this guilt...

[ Edited ]

I think you need to better ID your feelings. I don't think you feel guilty  (and you shouldnt). You are clearly aware of all the things you have done for your brother. You probably feel sad that he has to face some hard times. Ok, but you've done what you could. You have not been selfish.

Stop using the words that make you feel better but are not true. You are not guilty of anything.

You can mentally support him going forward but please do not ever say to him you feel guilty. He sounds depressed especially if has to do things on his own now. Perhaps his illness depressed him.


I am the little sister to those in their 60's too. I've helped out a brother who took advantage later, but I allowed it blindly. Never again. I give what I risk to lose and no more than that.


The calls maybe more infrequent as the crisis is over or he is in a quiet time of rebuilding. Just proceed normal as you would and call as you would anyway. 


 You can ask how he is doing, ask what his plan is, how he is going about it, maybe offer ways to help him accomplish that, that do not take away from yourself or make you resent him.

Oxygen mask on you before you cain help others. Boundaries. 

Be well!

New Member
Posts: 1
Registered: ‎02-26-2017

Re: Ok, talk me out of this guilt...

Keeper of the Koi - 


I am new here as a poster, but your post compelled me to reply. There are several ways that your brother can apply for VA benefits: If I am misunderstanding your post, please elaborate.  For help with house hold expenses, is he able to contact his local department of aging and disabled for assistance? 


You definately have gone above and beyond for your brother, and guilt should not be in your vacabulary!


Wishing all the best for your brother as he recovers.

Valued Contributor
Posts: 929
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Ok, talk me out of this guilt...

There comes a point in time when help is no longer help it turns into a way of life for the person getting all the help. You haven't said if your brother is able to work or not but it is not your responsibility to support your brother. You have been very generous and I would say your husband has been also in supporting you helping your brother. Time to get on with your own life and taking care of yourself. If your Brother is unhappy that you won't help him anymore then that is on him.

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