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07-25-2015 12:38 PM
I wanted to follow up without continting a thread hijack.
My father her has always been an emotionally abusive mysogynist and the family dynamic, including extended family, has my younger brother established as the golden child and me as the poison pill and scapegoat.
Less than two weeks after my mother's death, he demanded all her possessions be immediately removed from the house. I was ordered to do it, and take more time off of teaching to supervise anyone who came in. One, I was already in a financial hole having exceeded maximum leave, and two, I wasn't ready. But whatever the screaming man wants, he gets. So my aunt came and I was continually yelled at, as well as having my finances pried into by both of them. Then things disappeared from my bedroom. Legal papers and such. A month later my father told me my aunt had accused me of stealing from my dead mother. There were lots of threats of arrest and he had constructed a fantasy of having seen me arrested by police a prior time.
The only thefts were theirs. They took my legal papers, birth certificate, car title, and my belongings that had been in the family safe deposit box and deprived me of access. When I threatened to notify the police myself is when the accusafion came out. My father was also under the delusion that I earn 25-30K more a year than I do, because he read it on the net. This contributed to his belief that I steal and would steal every penny of his so I had to be controlled. While I don't meet any of the legal definitions that would allow one to establish a monitored trust, he found an attorney to draft one with an unnamed supervising trustee. In order to qualify I would have to be a legal child, of diminished mental capacity, or in arrears for $250,000 or more. My attorney friends were completely baffled by the questionable legality.
This was all March through May. My father played suicidal for attention and his brother told me it was my fault. That I wasn't doing anything and was whining about a back injury from my car accident. The back injury was for heavy lifting to remove things from the house. In the meantime, my father decided to stop eating, and was self-medicating with Benadryl and Xanax. As a result, he passed out and fell on this face. This is what got me hit with the accusations from my father and my uncle.
I knew when my mother died that he would turn all the abusive rage on me. He alienates the outside world and wallows in self-pity. Always has. At 74 he still resents the high school guidance counselor who told him not to apply for an MIT scholarship. Instead he went to U of A, where he met my mom, but he still believes that counselor ruined his life. Now my mother has ruined his life by dying. He refers to her as his "former" wife.
Even if I could afford it, I don't think there's enough money in the world to compensate someone for being a paid whipping boy, which is what he wants.
Any time I get away for a few hours or days, I am accused by my brother and the rest of the family of abandoning him. No one else is willing to take a turn, though David fakes that he does to the family. This trip I took was planned and postponed multiple times since thanksgiving because of my mother's death and then his urgent frailty. A dear friend was diagnosed with acute stage 4, and I decided I wasn't waiting until her funeral to see her again. Too many deaths. Originally my mom was going to come with me. I was gone four days and my dad called and emailed constantly. When I got home, it was clear he'd been storing up a nonsense tantrum for when I walked through the door.
This is the best I can explain. Outsiders always fall for it. Fourteen years ago he threw a tantrum in the day of his post-bypass discharge. He was screaming that the sight of me or sound of my voice would give him a heart attack. So his nurse took it upon herself to call me, blame me, and told me to leave the state immediately so he wouldn't die.
07-25-2015 01:14 PM
I am so sorry you are caught in this unbearable position. I do know someone else who has had a similar issue, and she survived, but not without scars.
Just know that there are people here who care and who wish you only the best in the days and months to come. STAY STRONG! Remember, This Too Shall Pass.
07-25-2015 01:44 PM
Rac71, I have not been following any threads on this subject. If you live in the same house with your father, I am sorry.
07-25-2015 02:13 PM
I too am deeply sorry for this situation. As for your father, and those who believe him, you cannot change what they choose to believe. However, I suggest you do everything necessary to save yourself, and live life as you choose, with no guilt attached. Best wishes to you!
07-25-2015 03:53 PM
If you don't need any thing from your father or your family I would get out ot that toxic situatuation as soon as possible. You should know by now your father and family will never change and you sound like you've been through the mill. Life is too short to put up with that kind of abuse.
07-25-2015 10:14 PM
You have to get away from the family. Just move,get out run do whatever you have to do save your sanity. Don't look back. You need a positive life. If you don't save yourself no one will. I hope you will be alright. Don't take it anymore you are a better person with out them. Never never give up.
07-26-2015 12:30 AM
Thank you. Yes, I live with my father. If I hadn't, my mother would have drowned on her own vomit at the bottom of the stairs during a never diagnosed angina episode New Years Day night. My finding her, and being the one to call the paramedics each time she collapsed, is how she got 27 more days. had the hospital not severely screwed up several times, she'd still be with us.
I am a public school teacher, so my salary is not come aureate with the expense of living elsewhere at present. The sheer distance I would have to relocate would make commuting unaffordable. I've worked very hard to achieve certain positions and roles over the past 12 years; those are ones that come with seniority. There is no guarantee I could get a position in a more affordable area, and, resigning at this point in the summer would also make me ineligible to ever resume teaching in my jurisdiction.
My goal is to set aside more and continue rebuilding my savings So that I can find a decent apartment within a drivable distance. As long as I am alive, he will insist I do for him, attend to him, because another man hasn't taken possession of me. Even then, he would still demand to be top dog. I used to watch how he and my grandmother played tug of war with my mom in the middle.
My dad is the kind man who will be encouraged to leave any retirement residence, with a set deadline issued to him. I'll get the emergency call and be stuck with him again and likely accused of elder abuse. His behavior creates self-fulfilling prophesies. Dimentia is an increasing element, but his doctor, my mom's incompetent doctor, won't man up enough to acknowledge or address it. My dad has been able to boss his internist around for years.
07-26-2015 02:26 PM
Rac71, does he own the house? When he dies will you be able to stay in the house?
Rac71, this is no comfort now, but when he dies and you have no tears for him, please don't feel guilty. You've cried enough while he is living. One day, you will be free of this and when it happens, don't look back.
07-26-2015 03:26 PM - edited 07-26-2015 03:30 PM
I understand your situation because i have lived it as well. I have not lived home since 17. I am52,my alcoholic abusive father died 4years ago. My mentally unstable mother continues to concoct stories about me she believes them , she turns my alcoholic brother on me be has the mentality of a young teenager. He threatens to cut my throat shoot me etc all because of what she says . I don't speak to her for years at a time doesn't help. No one will get her help , she threatens to beat up her 82 year old sisters... Everyone is scared of her. I am now in the process of having leagal documents drawn up , to prevent their harassment. I have Hodgkin's lymphoma, they don't care. Sfnative gave me wonderful advice. Save yourself, chose happiness... I pray for you and will continue to... I feel so much for you. You are not alone. Please know there are others who are abused please reach out even online. There are lots of sites. Please take care of yourself.I care. Maryanne
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