Among Friends

[NAES1]

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@Silver Lining wrote:

NAES, thank you for the recent post to me. I had read Rac's story after her beloved mother passed away some months ago and lately noticed her updates. Like you, I don't know what was deemed "rude and uncalled for" in your comments. If anything, they were merely paraphrases of Rac's sentiments which she acknowledged. Anyone who knows about her situation would understand. Anyway, enough said and it can still be discussed.

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        Hello Silver Lining for your caring concern and understanding comments. What happened was (if you look back to the closed block) someone with only 16 posts came on and must have said something very unkind, This person had been here ONLY since June 14th-2015. I'll notice he/she with that same date entry and be aware of what this poster might say further. I SHOULD have looked at this myself but to eager to jump on with blame to the one person who stopped it.

Also, a good friend, from another thread, helped me out on this, so I would still be thinking it was me........THANK YOU~     

.....never had that happen before!

[rac71]

Ok, wow there have been a lot of replies.

NAES, I've been out of the house a lot and spending time with other people. Drives my dad insane that I don't answer the phone (I decline his calls), or when he wants to know where I am, the answer is "out." Don't really care. Made it clear I am not his wife, servant, chattel, etc. Started actively taking off for hours at a time when he called me a "b" for not breaking my back as his personal pack mule a few days ago.

So now he wants rent, after changing his mind about utilities because I was spending on his food and making his meals. However, last Sunday he threw such a huge fit about the nice dinner I made him, declaring it inedible, that I have decided I will cook when I feel like it. He won't do any meals for himself unless they are premade TV dinners. Plenty of Little Debbie snack cakes hoarded in at bedroom of his.

He also declared he is not contributing to any chores since I fell asleep last night without running the dishwasher, so, he will go hungry, and run out of clean dishes and clean clothes. I will not coddle infantile behavior. I'm sure my family will continue to blame me for my dad's misery. Not my problem.

[rac71]

Um, where did it say I have 27 years teaching experience? I'm in my 12th year, my salary and retirement were cut/frozen 7 years ago because no one priorities education spending, and tax cuts are more valued. So, I make SIGNIFICANTLY less than I should at my level. We all got hosed and will never recover from the financial blow. And we spend huge quantities of our salaries underwriting school supplies and such because the system will not provide them. Some parents can't and some kids can't get their act together to bring them to school. I have a significant population on free/reduced lunch or at just above the qualifying income.

In this area, all housing is highly pricy. Many of my colleagues cannot afford to live here, and the time and financial demands of commuting are just as punitive.

[rac71]

Glad I didn't see that removed post. I'm at the 6-month mark now of  limbo period we experieced Mama died on a Wednesday (1/28)and Jewish custom is to bury within 24-hours. However, my dad requested an autopsy, so we couldn't bury her until that Sunday (2/2). The memorial service was on a Friday. So many people came from my world, and my mother's. Current and former students came separately, and little ones with their parents. These were her Hebrew school students, and kids who attended the JDS where she subbed and taught an after school program.

Burial was the worst part. It's a true burial, not an interment where the casket is left above ground until mourners are gone.

my brother has had some level of unpleasantness with my father. He will never sleep under the same roof. Yes, I do feel a sense of obligation. I've had two near-death severe illnesses. The first, my parents helped me cover medical expenses, and my dad really tried to take care of me after I had I131 treatment, (thyroid killed by radioactive iodine) the second time, he was the one who first realized I was more than ill with the flu; it was a massive colitis/food poisoning infection. Yes they overreacted about CAT scans in the ER, but I was pretty ****** close to death. In the month+ I was too ill to work, he insisted either he or my mother would always be in the house with me. And they slept with their bedroom door open and he kept himself on alert in case I needed help. They also dealt with a few collapses I had when I returned to work, even with his own cataract surgery.

So, there's a huge level of conscious/subconscious "family takes care of each other" that I cannot fully shake. I know what will happen to him when he moves to assisted living. They'll recruit their own doctors, not my dad's current ones that he pushes around and keep him throughly drugged 24/7. He and Mama have the same GP, and, even with four visits in less than 2 weeks, my Mama still wound up undiagnosed and dead.

The psychiatrist assigned to monitor his meds has referred him to a Geriatric Psychiatrist and recommended talk therapy, individual and for the two of us. The huge network practice only does individual therapy, so my dad wanted me to make my own appointment. I said no, I won't pay for his therapy. I've done mine; it's why I won't marry and wind up with an abusive husband as well as my father.

I hope I have been coherent. It's nearly 4:30 a.m.

[NC Bandwagon]

Hello, rac71.

WOW!. Your dad sounds really mean. I'm sorry he's so mean to you. He should be ashamed for being so mean to a good daughter like you. Don't worry. I'm sure there's a good man out there for you who will gladly love you, take care of you and make sure no one lays a finger on you.

[rac71]

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@NC Bandwagon wrote:

Hello, rac71.

WOW!. Your dad sounds really mean. I'm sorry he's so mean to you. He should be ashamed for being so mean to a good daughter like you. Don't worry. I'm sure there's a good man out there for you who will gladly love you, take care of you and make sure no one lays a finger on you.

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@NC Bandwagon, thanks but I really dont have an interest in "finding a good man." Kinda sick of the idea. My best love made sure I knew how to disable anyone who lay a hand on me. Insisted I practice on him. I don't think my dad will hit me, he knows that's a guaranteed 911-call. He always told my mom he enjoyed the tantrums he threw and considered them his exercise.

Yeah, he's mean. Got no one else to be mean to. He has no friends anymore, nor an interest in acquiring any. The dynamic of their marriage, and his character disorder pretty much ensured his isolation.

[NAES1]

@rac71:

       Hi 'R'.....I have had a chance to rest and spent quality time with my husband (talking) about "stuff" and the world, watching some good ole movies, then we had company over the week end which I dearly loved; some loved one that makes us get tickled, spewing over just trivial fun time. I spent part of saturday's afternoon shopping some and as usual was caught up in those girly things & prettty towels, a few for the bathroom. Oh, I went to the deli bought a {bunch} of NO COOK / ready to eat- fine foods and am I so very glad when company came; what a lucky break for me, really~!!!!  I may make some homemade spaghetti this week if not too hot. Cooking is not really that interesting to me~ I think many who know me on the boards realize that. (??)  I make a lot and then we have left overs...love left overs. Really I don't like to cook -period but big name dishes are more easy for me to appreciate when the final spice is shaken in/ I'm a sprinkle this -a dab of this... following through with with mere guessing/ no measuring spoons. So I am just getting back to my computer -husband has gone to the 1st floor level....I talked him 'out' to the lounge chair. Can `not concentrate to write and listen too. PRIVACY and we have oh yes, solved the problems of the universe..that's a joke for sure.....

 I have gone over to the last post, then reread it a 2nd time. You have so many well concerned poster cyber friends that were here before me, wk-end.  I do remember the location of what you have spoken of, where you reside, remembering yes, how expensive that area is, so I can somewhat understand why it is not feasable for you to move any farther, any sooner from your teaching locale, at this very time. I am assuming you do not have any one certain idea in what you are to do with housing, especailly since school is almost upon your bust time getting ready for classes to commense. I like your idea of saving until you can have idea come together and then feel free to make that move. Also, I, personally understand the Take Care Of Family in return. For the horrible verbal dealing with fro your dad, that saddens me but I know you will not be around that much after schoo begins. Not knowing your father, at age 74, I am remembering that older movie: Grumby Old Men. Not all men are as bad as your father portrays, but for what it's worth a caring devoted signifant other or husband is very rare...understan your intutive approach on that also. In my opinion, I am finding most posters have had the same problem. Not their Prince Charming. Some wish they could find their own apartment and leave, if they had the money. I read of this quite often, or coming to the point of a no marriage soon.  You are pretty set in your life style, so it appears, so concentrate on what you can do for your own well being. Sadly, the obligation that you have undertaken to provide house duties for your dad and not being appreciated is way beyond me to understand. It just be that as you have said: you are his scapgaot and that tells me he has no one else to vent out to. So that leave, one would think, your brother- sil- to sit and have some assemby of a `Family Meeting`. If not, then we go back to bear and grin it, especially if the home is large enough for you to have yoour your private quarters. If he like frozen dinners then show him how and if he doesn't want to learn, then brother (IMHO) should notify some outside help in the classified ads, if possible for those little things. But really I don't view that as a honest solution. 

 You mentioned a talk therapy. Do I clearly understand that he want you to pay for this- yet he goes to a psychiatrist to monitor his meds. More intervention or brotherly love helping you. You do have a home to live in for the time being so that's a plus until you can relocate. As far as being in a 'home', then my answer would be a strong no, unless it's a quality assistant living -top of the line- home like place. You still do care for your father but on the other side he treats you without kindness. When you do live, does brother have any other ideas in exactly what comes next? 

Good for you to be with friends but who watches over 'dad' whe no one is there. Understand, I have no idea how well he is or how well he IS NOT. 

Everything seems to be handled by you and I have no idea if your 'mom' let you """ in on his dispostion""" or hid all of this from you while she was there?!? Over time with careful communication, if possible- with brother & sil (she was really listening back in February) and I thought she would try to attend to your brother's absence of what is needed. 

Can you or would you have a private appointment with 'dad's psychiatrist and have he/she give out sone suggestions, after all he knows this man better than I. He's seen these situations ( I'm somewhat sure) many times. If he's paid for services rendered, then he works for the patient with all facets to this dysfunction, as heard from a few posts. Hopefully, the best is one contented woman which is you. Did your father actually order you out of the home. Can he do that? I have you in my ever prayer hoping someone can make this horrible living arrangement more of comfort than what you are going through. 

THERE IS ASSISTED LIVING -THEN THERE IS CARING ASSISTED HOMES. 

You have received a lot of supported well wishers and good advice. You may are cared for, from us~

Please take care, this is a _take one day at a time problem_. Your mother was strong and I see a lot of that in you. And no, you should not be treated this uncaring, but I did not understand he is on medication. That may be part of the cause why he acts out. 

NAES

[NAES1]

@rac71

          ..........I had written this so quickly that the most recent post was not proof read my me, then before I posted [IT SAID],,,,, (something like) not able to go through- but ```did.    I'm so glad the auto save came on. Sorry for the bumbled up rapid typing. NAES

*****

ps: I have no idea how I acquired auto save but it's a wonderful feature. 

THANK YOU TO THE MOD FOR HELPING ME STORE WHAT I WROTE. 

[NAES1]

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@rac71 wrote:

Um, where did it say I have 27 years teaching experience? I'm in my 12th year, my salary and retirement were cut/frozen 7 years ago because no one priorities education spending, and tax cuts are more valued. So, I make SIGNIFICANTLY less than I should at my level. We all got hosed and will never recover from the financial blow. And we spend huge quantities of our salaries underwriting school supplies and such because the system will not provide them. Some parents can't and some kids can't get their act together to bring them to school. I have a significant population on free/reduced lunch or at just above the qualifying income.

In this area, all housing is highly pricy. Many of my colleagues cannot afford to live here, and the time and financial demands of commuting are just as punitive.

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        I know that you are busy preparing for the start of the new school year, but wanted to say hello and are you feeling somewhat better than a few days ago? NAES

[rac71]

@NAES1,

Oh, he's thrown me out off and on for years, then forgets within 5 minutes and is absolutely stunned when I leave. Then it gets put on me for being the bad guy and causing problems.

My brother and sil simply do not care. They don't live here and have no intention of taking care of my father. David made a big show that I wasn't appropriately attending to and caring for my father while my mother was dying and then afterwards. If I am not at immediate beck and call, I have "abandoned" him. My father's brother and his ex-SIL seem to echo the same baloney. Although the ex-SIL also demonstrates blatant glee when my dad starts in on me. It's her entertainment. She's also the one who falsely told him I stole my mother's money and jewelry.

He saw the Psychiatrist twice, an addiction specialist who's goal is to get people off their meds. He referred my dad back to his GP for a continued prescription and told him he is fine and normal because all his rage is back. This guy also treats hit men and says once they feel like killing people again, their depression is cured. Not real impressed.

I doubt his temperament will encourage much "caring" from any care provider. He sees the whole setup as people in servitude to him. I don't think he's going to get the custom service he expects simply because he's lazy. He isn't nearly as frail or helpless as he pretends to be.

Still working on my plan. Best I can do at present.