Among Friends

[geezerette]

@PJinIA 

@CrazyKittyLvr2 

I didn't get the remarriage remarks, but the day after my husband died a stranger came to my door.  I had never seen the woman before but she said she lived nearby.  She asked if I was going to sell my property now that my husband had died.  Not even a "I'm sorry for your loss".  

That was just the beginning of people wanting my husband's possessions.  Like vultures.

[monicakm]

@PJinIA 

Of all the stories shared here, yours hit home the hardest.  It's so heart breaking to read these stories of loss and a new reality no one wants to live.  My husband has told me numerous times in recent years, "You don't know how strong you are until you don't have a choice!"  Loss of two family members, two knee surgeries, heart attack and heart surgery, and his heart surgery has all happened in the last >4 years.   I feel like the ONLY reason I've made it thru all this is because of my husband.  He has always been so protective and my biggest "cheerleader" and made up for my physical shortcomings.  I really don't foresee lasting long if he goes before me.  That's horrible to say, but I really feel it's true.

[Pook]

It's been a year and a half since and I just do not want to go anywhere or see anyone and still have at times  just had to walk out of the supermarket and leave my cart.  When asked how I am doing I want to say which version - the real truth or the acting one!  I do not want to see or talk to anyone  about it as it is too painful.  But yet I have talked with several widows who are into finding someone else or who have said they are relieved their husband died.  I am ok just being by myself as opposed to having to pretend around others.  

[PJinIA]

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@monicakm wrote:

@PJinIA 

Of all the stories shared here, yours hit home the hardest.  It's so heart breaking to read these stories of loss and a new reality no one wants to live.  My husband has told me numerous times in recent years, "You don't know how strong you are until you don't have a choice!"  Loss of two family members, two knee surgeries, heart attack and heart surgery, and his heart surgery has all happened in the last >4 years.   I feel like the ONLY reason I've made it thru all this is because of my husband.  He has always been so protective and my biggest "cheerleader" and made up for my physical shortcomings.  I really don't foresee lasting long if he goes before me.  That's horrible to say, but I really feel it's true.

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Monica, after reading all you've gone through in your post I think you've already proven your ARE a survivor!  My husband battled cancer for 3 years and it appeared he had conquered it until it came back and then his doctors at Mayo had nothing left to offer him in the way of treatment & in 3 months he passed.  It went downhill very fast and I told my sister I could not bear to watch his suffering, I wouldn't survive his death and the thought of attending his funeral was unimaginable.  Guess what, somehow I got through it.  My dad died April 12th and my husband died May 10th of the same year.  I look back and think there must have been some guiding hand or force that lifted me up and carried me through that devestating time and I've never been particularly religious...but now I can't help but believe the strength must come from somewhere outside ourselves!  Thank you to all who have posted their stories here...it does help to share and feel like others understand what you are going through!  I would feel like giving up some days but the rebel in me would say...NOPE, not today!!   

Peace & strength to you all!

[PJinIA]

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@Pook wrote:

It's been a year and a half since and I just do not want to go anywhere or see anyone and still have at times  just had to walk out of the supermarket and leave my cart.  When asked how I am doing I want to say which version - the real truth or the acting one!  I do not want to see or talk to anyone  about it as it is too painful.  But yet I have talked with several widows who are into finding someone else or who have said they are relieved their husband died.  I am ok just being by myself as opposed to having to pretend around others.  

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I reacted much the same way.  I was better off alone to work through it.  I felt like some people expected me to be "over it" after 6 months.  You don't get over it ever, you get through it.  I often told people "I'm fine" when I really wasn't.

[PJinIA]

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@geezerette wrote:

@PJinIA 

@CrazyKittyLvr2 

I didn't get the remarriage remarks, but the day after my husband died a stranger came to my door.  I had never seen the woman before but she said she lived nearby.  She asked if I was going to sell my property now that my husband had died.  Not even a "I'm sorry for your loss".  

That was just the beginning of people wanting my husband's possessions.  Like vultures.

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You definitely see people, both strangers & people you thought you knew well in a new light...not always in a good way.  It's easy to be taken of advantage of because it's such a vulnerable time...so many things that have to be taken care of.  Wills, insurance, bills, bank accounts, etc.  Like the old saying goes, if it doesn't kill you it'll make you stronger!!

[geezerette]

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@PJinIA wrote:

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@Pook wrote:

It's been a year and a half since and I just do not want to go anywhere or see anyone and still have at times  just had to walk out of the supermarket and leave my cart.  When asked how I am doing I want to say which version - the real truth or the acting one!  I do not want to see or talk to anyone  about it as it is too painful.  But yet I have talked with several widows who are into finding someone else or who have said they are relieved their husband died.  I am ok just being by myself as opposed to having to pretend around others.  

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I reacted much the same way.  I was better off alone to work through it.  I felt like some people expected me to be "over it" after 6 months.  You don't get over it ever, you get through it.  I often told people "I'm fine" when I really wasn't.

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@PJinIA 

Yep, I could almost write the same thing word for word.

I realized after a short while there really wasn't anything anyone could say that would make me feel better so I preferred not to talk about it.  "Fake it until you make it" became my motto.  

@Pook 

You're still new to all this.  Everyone moves at their own pace so you can't go by what others say or have experienced.  There is no right or wrong to grief.  

Does it get any better?  Um, yes and no.  The pain becomes less sharp and more of a dull ache.  Do you get over it?  Not necessarily, you just get through it.  And you will get through it, as impossible as that may seem to you now.  Your life is different and you figure out how to maneuver your way through what it has become.  

I had always known that I would die first, because there was no way I could survive without my husband.  Eight years after the impossible happened, I'm still here.  It's not always easy and I still don't like it, but I'm doing it.  You will too.💔❤️‍🩹

[willowbark]

I went to the grocery store today and spoke to a live person.  I asked her why is this coupon not scanning,.  

Oops, it seems I didn't shop for that product today that the coupon was for.  

end of dialogue. 

went home

checked my email for all the vendors who send me ads and wish me happy holidays and happy birthday too.  

See not alone after all. 

[TeddysMom]

You made me laugh out loud!!  You had a wonderful conversation - you have to start somewhere I guess.  Next time ask for directions as to where to find that product.  See, you can do it - baby steps!

It's been 2 years for me and I find that I take 2 steps forward and 3 steps back sometimes.  There is no time table for this stuff.  Last time I was at the grocery store I teared up out of the blue.  I stood there looking at the bagged candy, those awful orange slices were his favorite and there they were, no one to buy them for.

[Patriot3]

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@Pook wrote:

It's been a year and a half since and I just do not want to go anywhere or see anyone and still have at times  just had to walk out of the supermarket and leave my cart.  When asked how I am doing I want to say which version - the real truth or the acting one!  I do not want to see or talk to anyone  about it as it is too painful.  But yet I have talked with several widows who are into finding someone else or who have said they are relieved their husband died.  I am ok just being by myself as opposed to having to pretend around others.  

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@Pook  That's okay.  We all grieve in our own way and this is yours.  Just don't let yourself be a hermit.  Talk to God or whoever you worship.  (Sorry if I offend).  Take little steps.  It never gets "better", you just learn to adjust your life and you need to do it at your pace.  Sending hugs and prayers!!