Among Friends

[jackthebear]

They are very, very, young to be thinking or marrying and kids.  Better to break up now before getting married and HAVING CHILDREN.  She also shouldn't feel she should wait for him to decide what he wants either

I think you know in deep down as an older person that this the best thing,  if it is meant to be they will find each other again. If not they will find the partner they are meant to have.

[stevieb]

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@ilovefall wrote:

I had to respond to this post.  My son is hearbroken.  He has been with his girlfriend for 2 years and 4 months.  They moved into an apartment just two months ago..in March.  Last week she said they moved in together too soon and she wants to be single.  Doesn't want to rely on anyone or answer to anyone (she never had to answer to him)...just wants to do her own thing.  My son is devastated.  We are devastated for him.  He is looking for answers but there are none.  We wish we could take away his pain.  This is heartbreaking.  I'm not saying he's perfect but he is a really good guy.  He'll be 24 in June, has a good job, makes good money, and was always giving.  He was planning for their future.  She'll be 22 in July.  We think she's too young and immature and didn't know how to handle the whole living together thing, but she wanted to move out of her Mom's house.  He saved a lot of money and bought all the furniture for the apartment.  Now she's back at her Mom's house.  He's lost.

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It's a shame and understandable that he's sad. It's also understandable that having been in a relationship beginning at 20 (and 22) she might feel exactly what she says she feels: the need to live life on her own terms for a while rather than 'play house'. Personally, I think she did them both a favor to make her break now rather than after more time had gone by. In my opinion, they're both too young to be tied into a 'permanent' relationship. Most people don't marry everyone they date for a year or two or even everyone they live with at some point.

[AspenGrove]

Although I know it's a painful time for your daughter, I have to say that I'm really impressed by the maturity of her boyfriend to be able to express exactly what he's thinking so honestly at age 24. It takes real maturity to know that one is not ready for marriage/family at a certain point in one's life. He clearly respects your daughter's "plan" but that's not his plan now and he is simply being honest and kind about what he wants vs. what she wants.  As others have already stated, 24 is very, very young in this day and age. Women and men build careers in the 21st century and put off marriage and children until much later when both are ready.  

[stevieb]

Being perfectly honest here, I totally 'get' feeling the pain of one's child. I don't get a mother not sleeping or eating because a daughter's boyfriend broke up with her...

[jackthebear]

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@qvc chick wrote:

To Sids mom and Melinia -

I feel the pain of my child. We are very close, and I love her, so when she hurts, I hurt.  It's that simple.  I think most moms feel that way.

And we did not set him up....he is a nice guy, and they seemed very much in love.  He seems hearbroken about this as well.  I think he just didn't see himself settling down in the near future. 

My daugher has a plan....she would like to get into a serious relationship.  She also loves kids and wants to be a mom.  Is that wrong?  She has a great job, and has several thousand dollars saved up already.  SHe is on the ball.  She did not pressure him, it was just something they talked about.

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I think it is great that she has a plan, in fact wonderful.  But what you wrote (its so hard to tell in this format) sounds as thought the BF didn't want to be a planner.  At my age I can look back and see everything I should have done differently,  but its hard when you are 23  to understand. Give her time

[Melania]

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@stevieb wrote:

Being perfectly honest here, I totally 'get' feeling the pain of one's child. I don't get a mother not sleeping or eating because a daughter's boyfriend broke up with her...

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ITA!!! It only perpetuates the drama for her daughter. 

She still didn't answer what her husband thinks or if her daughter dated before.

[Stormygirl]

That young man sounds very mature even for his age. He was very truthful. compassionate and also cried with her. I give him alot of credit as some less mature young people just walk away, e-mail or no explanation. I was on his end of break up at about the same age. I was steady dating a guy for over 4 years who "had a plan" which included kids (I never wanted any) marriage and the picket fence and house deal........I loved him but eventually felt pressured and cornered by the expectations set upon me by both him and his parents. It appeared his happiness was totally dependant upon my being there..I never wanted the so called American Dream and I didnt want to be responsible for another persons happiness.  I wanted to travel and be single and experience my own authentic life as I saw fit.....felt I was too young to even make plans let alone live them out with anyone...or to be anyones happiness. It seemed everyone but me had my life planned out perfectly..........just not perfect in my own minds eye. At first it all sounded nice as I really did love him.....  but I had a constant sinking feeling which kept creeping up in the pit of my stomach. I knew that was my inner voice yelling at the top of my lungs silently that those "plans" just were not my plans after all.....I was totally allowed to change my mind. I wanted to be young as I knew we only get to be young and free once.....and I wanted to make the most of it. So I did the same, sat him down and told him I wasnt ready, wanted to be free and yes we had a cry. If you set a bird free and let that bird fly..........if it comes back was meant to be but if not....that bird was meant to be free and noone has a right to cage a bird.. I never flew back and was glad I was honest about my feelings or I can tell you I would have been divorced.. His parents and him were devastated. But if I had gone through with the expectations I would have grown bitter......bitter at him for contributing to making me respsonsible for their happiness... and bitter at myself for not telling the truth screaming within me. We get to be on both ends of heart hurt, and it doesnt feel real good on either end but is a part of growing up and letting children have feelings. We cannot shield each other from life......the ups and downs of love included. I believe my former love has 4 kids now and is married. I never had any children and lived my truths....and I do not regret it. We need to live our truths and let others live theirs. The key is to be truthful and open even if it hurts or else we turn bitter and love turns quickly into hatred.  Gentle hugs to both of them. They are growing up........Life was not promised to always be happy. Each of us should live out our own authentic lives...independant and totally free from co-dependance.......Happiness comes from within and not from another person.

[MacDUFF]

@K9mom

Love your story.  Thought you might appreciate this one...

Ruth Bell Graham (Billy Graham's late wife) once remarked that, if G-d had answered her prayers the way she wanted Him to, she would have married the wrong man seven times.

@qvc chick

I would tell your daughter, in every way possible, over and over and over again that the best is yet to come!

[Kitlynn]

I am sorry this happened to your daughter and it is hard to have our children suffer the trials and tribulaitons of real life and not be able to mend their broken hearts or fix everything for them. Unfortunately it is life and we all go through it at one time or another. Of course that doesn't make it any easier. My daughter went through the same thing. Now the good thing is that it is better to deal with plans that don't work out and a broken heart for a while rather than marrying someone and then divorcing because it wasn't meant to be. She will find the right person for her and when she does she will look back on this and know that it just wasn't meant to be at this time.

[Goldengate8361]

Ok. He's 24 and in a band.....really? Be very, very grateful that this ended! To me, he sounds like a Loser. He should be in Law school right now or at least starting his career after graduating college. Also, it's none of your business; its your daughters business. I know others might hammer me for my brutal honesty, but this is a board so I believe I should state the obvious to you.