Among Friends

[mustang66lady]

I wanted to add one more thing to my original post-get an official credit report asap, as well.  When I did, I found 27 credit cards taken out in my name that I had no idea existed.  My ex had filled out applications in my name, forged my signature and used the cards.  There was 30,000 dollars of debt I had no idea existed, all  in my name.  I would not have known as soon as I did had I not had a credit report run.  He removed money from our daughter's savings account even though he was not on the signature card (I was along with our daughter).  Not a lot, 250.00 but it destroyed our daughter to find out her father did that to her.  I also had evidence of other forgeries he did, always in my name.  That credit report sent me on a man hunt!

[riley1]

@CAcableGirl2 - You have made some very excellent points. 

[nyc1]

She needs to make sure he is not on her credit cards, or close them and get them only in her name.  Also,  if they have a joint bank account she needs to secure that as well.

[Laura14]

Most of these posters have given great advice. 

Forget hiding money. I know she is angry but she can't do that.  The laws in her state are the laws in her state and the court will have a much better view of her if he just stays an adulterer and she doesn't become a thief. During discovery for the divorce, her employer and all financial records will be brought forth by the lawyers. Unless she is a world renowned financier with off shore accounts, forget it.

The only thing I wanted to add about the 401K is that in most states, the spouse does not have to be the beneficiary.  In some states, the spouse is required to be the beneficiary unless they sign off.  If she is one of those states, she is stuck.

However, if she is in a state where she can name any beneficiary she wants, she can at least remove him in case she drops dead before the divorce is final.  It won't stop his claim to the 401K if he is entitled to it but, after that decision is made, he won't get the rest of it without being the named beneficiary.      

Good luck to her!  

[ccassaday]

She needs a lawyer. But my first thought is why cash in the 401k. Roll it over to  IRA and set it up as annuity every month. And don’t put him as a beneficiary. When my dad retired he cashed out the 401k and they set it up in a fidelity annuity. They only pay taxes on the income they receive every month or extra they withdraw. Why pay all those taxes at once.

[Zhills]

He may not be entitled to half of everything!

My brother's wife had a 401K and she contributed a lot to it and he gave her half of that as his retirement too.  His company did not offer as good a deal as her's did.

Try convincing a Judge of that!!!!

She got the 401K.  She had proof of what she had contributed.  He gave her the money without writing a check and noting what it was for.  He lost out!

[Daysdee]

Get a good attorney and do it fast!  Don't withdraw 401K funds as there is a penalty.  Make sure he cannot write checks or use your credit cards.

[missy1]

The courts will know if you hid or sold assets. Debt accumulated during the marriage is  split. That's why it is important to at least file separation papers asap, so no added debt is accrued jointly.

[BornToShop]

I cannot thank all the posters who have rallied & gave priceless advice, support & empathy regarding this horrific situation.  She doesn’t do QVC but she has read every awesome post & without question, she has been uplifted by all you wonderful posters who have lived it but yet prevailed.  The biggest hurdle she cannot comprehend is she never saw it coming.  She thinks he could be suffering from borderline personality disorder, a midlife crisis but the below quote has given her strength to persevere.  I cannot thank you all enough, nor can she.

[CAcableGirl2]

@BornToShop  One more thing I just thought of that I would suggest.  As embarrassing as she might feel (and she has nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about), I would suggest that she notify her neighbors that he has moved out unexpectedly (no need to give all the details), and ask them to keep an eye on the house and call the authorities or her immediately if they see him snooping around the house.   Otherwise, who knows what he will tell the neighbors...he lost his key, or similar as he is climbing in through a window.

If your sister is working a normal schedule, he will know when she will be out of the house and could come and take everything, including important papers, items of value, etc..

She might want to get an alarm system (with signs prominently displayed), or at the very least some sort of alarm where she would be notified of activity in her home.   I'm sure many will have suggestions, but at the very least, a "Canary" device that she can place anywhere in her home.   Costs about $150 and only needs wi-fi service and depending on if she activates the monthly service, she could get recordings available or just notification and live feeds.  It doesn't look like a security device so he wouldn't even suspect if he saw it and could be placed anywhere in the home (plug in or battery pack is all it needs).

As for not suspecting anything, that just shows how "sneaky" he has become, and doesn't reflect on her at all.  

Keep records of everything including financial records, conversations, emails, texts, etc. going forward.  Those records could prove invaluable.

To the poster who suggested getting a copy of her credit report, that was a great idea.  You can always get one from Credit Karma for no fee and check it every 7 days for zero cost.