Among Friends

[NycVixen]

@BornToShop Things change when there is abandonment and infidelity. Tell your sister to get as much evidence as possible that he left voluntarily. She will need this in divorce court. As many stated, she needs a good divorce lawyer; one that specializes in this type of divorce with her being the breadwinner and the one cheated on. Tell her to use text and email rather than phone to communicate with him.

From what I looked up online, all monies and properties accumulated during the marriage including 401(k) with some exceptions (Forbes) are considered marital property:

• Property that was owned by either spouse prior to the marriage.
• An inheritance received by either spouse, either before or after the marriage, if not commingled or merged with marital assets.
• A gift either spouse receives from a third party (i.e., your aunt gives you a favorite painting).
• Monies received as the “pain and suffering” part of a personal injury judgment (again, if not mingled with marital assets, as in a joint bank account).
• Property designated as separate as per a prenuptial or postnuptial agreement.

Hiding assets is not going to bode well for her in court. I highly suggest she concentrates on being as resilient as possible so she can overcome this difficult time. This is hard but is what done is done. She should focus on mitigating the damage without compromising her case and integrity at such a crucial juncture.

She will be OK. She's a strong woman like many here. She needs to dig deep but she will find her inner strength. Your sister will be on the other side living a better life without that despicable person.

Life is really doing her a favor. IMO, he was always going to leave. Better now than later. She still has time to work in case she needs to. I wish her the best.

[hckynut]

@BornToShop

You are asking legal questions that are best answered by a competent, maybe even one that is her friend, lawyer. I don't expect any of my friends to do anything in their line of work free, or even discounted, for me. I hire them because I know and trust them and expect no monetary favors from them.

Your sis should do this before she does some things she may later regret. I wish her well.

[BornToShop]

@NycVixen, you are right about now as opposed to later when she is 10-20 years older rendering her totally dependent due to age. Right now we, her family is reeling over what just happened with no clue or indication, and my sis is not a naive person.  Thank you for your insight.

[BornToShop]

@hckynut, I knew I could depend on my Nebraska friend to be the voice of reason.  Once the shock of this is dealt with, hell  hath no fury from my amazing sister who will no doubt rise above this.  The next challenge is to find that competent attorney who will in the end prevail & protect my sis.  Thank you for responding.  

[NYC Susan]

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@ncascade wrote:

All her concerns would be best addressed by an attorney. Tell her not to listen to friends giving advice. 

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This is the best advice.  No matter how well-meaning friends (and posters here) might be, an attorney should be her resource for information, most especially at this stage of the game.  

[chrystaltree]

That plan is a bad one, a dumb one because cashing out now will not protect her from any financial settlement her ex is entitled too.  Why would she think that?  She should see an attorney NOW.  I understand that she's hurt and shocked and is only thinking of revenge but this is not the time to let her emotions rule her and this is not the time for her to pretend she knows how all that stuff works.  Every situation is different because every state's laws a different. 

[sidsmom]

I’m stunned in the mid-90s, a 40-something woman

w/ an ‘excellent’ income didn’t even entertain a

pre-nuptial agreement...but that’s hindsight.  

Hopefully this will be a lesson learnedfor everyone involved. 

[NYC Susan]

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@chrystaltree wrote:

That plan is a bad one, a dumb one because cashing out now will not protect her from any financial settlement her ex is entitled too.  Why would she think that?  She should see an attorney NOW.  I understand that she's hurt and shocked and is only thinking of revenge but this is not the time to let her emotions rule her and this is not the time for her to pretend she knows how all that stuff works.  Every situation is different because every state's laws a different. 

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Exactly.  One person's experience can be completely different than another.  Different state, different time, different people, different circumstances.

Acting impulsively and trying to hide assets or keep them from him can backfire in a big way.  Everything she does should be done within the law, and only an experienced attorney in her state should be advising her.

I agree that cashing out is a really bad idea. This is not the time to have revenge in mind, or to be acting emotionally.  Her actions need to be above reproach because (among other reasons) if this gets nasty, it's best that he has nothing to use against her.

[Drythe]

I don’t much about the legalitys of this, but I’m pretty sure she can freeze joint accounts, and credit cards.

Sorry this happened.  I would be crying and foaming at the mouth.

If there are pets in the home, I’d surely move them quickly to a safe, unknown location.  Don’t leave them at home alone.  Some people get so angry when they are blocked that they take it out on the animals in the home.  Of course animals rarely get justice.

[mustang66lady]

The laws in every state are different-that is why it is imperative she get a lawyer TOMORROW.  I live in IL which is a 50/50 state.  My lawyer had my ex file a discovery which listed his financials and I had to do the same.  We could not withdraw funds from joint accounts or any 401K's etc., sale anything, etc. until the divorce was over.  Withdrawing funds from your sister's 401k may do more harm than good.  I have had friends whose spouses did this and their spouses' employers demanded that half be returned because it belonged to the other.  Don't do anything other than changing locks, and getting a lawyer, not necessarily in that order.  Depending on what state you live in, your sisters' spouse may or may not be allowed back into the house.   I made an appointment with our town's chief of police, taking all legal papers to him and asked for a file to be kept.  My divorce was not amicable.  I was afraid for my life as well as my daughter's.  The chief was happy to talk with me as if his officers had to answer a call to my house, it would be a domestic call which is among the most dangerous for officers to answer.  They had first hand what had gone thru court and what a judges' decision was-no argument was going to happen.  Tell your sister to write everything down.  She might be surprised what little tidbit becomes an important piece of her divorce.  Keep receipts, take photos (my ex bought a brand new truck 3 days after filing bankruptcy which took down my credit).   That photo went a huge way when I took my ex to federal court over the bankruptcy.  The main thing I have to say, she cannot depend on how he may react to anything; she no longer knows this person.  He has changed himself into a different person than she married years ago.  Think of him as a stranger and put him in the "stranger danger" category.  She may want to think he will react one way or another but who knows-she doesn't know this person now.