Among Friends

[Imaoldhippie]

@White Picket Fence ..........Peace of mind is priceless.  Your health is suffering.  In a sense you are alone now.  Being by yourself will be heaven on earth in comparison.

As for transportation check with your county they usually have transportation available at a reasonable price.  Also your senior center may be able to help.

IMO you really need to get the divorce.

[Zhills]

If you are feel like learning to drive is too overwhelming right now.  Learn to use Uber or Lyft.  Even if you just go somewhere, walk around, and go back home.  You will become familiar with "doing it yourself."  Believe me, it's painless!!!  Freedom!

[Effie54]

My best friend is in a situation similar to yours. Though logically, I'm sure you both know it's a toxic place to remain in, yet, my friend cannot or will not divorce her spouse. It would take an emotionally strong person with a great amount of willpower to actually have the gumption to go to a lawyer, break up a household, and live a peaceful life. It's certainly not easy, but only you can decide what you can live with. There is always a trade off no matter which road you choose. It's so difficult to watch my friend basically toss her life away because of the unknowns or because of fear. I myself would have left eons ago and just dealt with what came my way (I did in fact years ago). As hard as it was, I never regretted my decision. Peace comes at the end of the tunnel...called light. 

[BirkiLady]

As long as you have been miserable, I'm sure he has also been miserable.  You both need to communicate your unhappiness (don't place blame, just explain the facts in order to settle the problem).

If you each keep it short, sweet and to the point, you two may reach an agreement quickly and easily that surprises both of you! Even better would be that both of you would find inner happiness as single people again. 

It's beyond me that you and your husband haven't talked about ending the marriage many years ago. I cannot comprehend living with anyone who doesn't bring me joy . . . and vice versa. Why do you enjoy being there when you know he is not happy with you? That would break my spirit and shatter my soul. That would leave no respect for either of us as marriage partners; and without a solid marriage, what do you have? ZERO in common, ZERO communication, ZERO everything. No wonder he is frustrated and unhappy with you. Why haven't you asked him about these  lonely feelings he must have been feeling all along. Did you marry him for security? Doesn't sound like you ever loved him. Did he agree to marry you, even though he wasn't in love with you? A "convenience marriage" seldom works well for either party.  No wonder he has his own bedroom and prefers to spend time where he feels comfortable among his books or whatever interests provide relaxation and peace. Do you have a space in your room that serves the same purpose? It might be a TV for you to watch alone!

The quicker you break this disfunctional "marriage", the better off each of you should be to begin putting together new lives as single people. DO IT NOW. And don't lean on your daughter. Imagine she's already seen/heard too much. She should have a life of her own to live (apart from yours) and without bias toward your husband. Let her make the call on how she wants to maintain a relationship or friendship with her stepfather. 

This is time for you and your husband to each make the decisions which suit the individual best (alone) and do it without anyone else interferring. The less gossip, the better! When you two are settled (seperately), you will still have legal stuff to sign and periodically need to talk about taxes and other important issues. Best to end quickly and on decent terms. Kindness seems to be the best policy in most situation!! So be kind; you won't regret that. 

Just end the life of drama. We've heard one side, but I imagine the other side is similar and just as miserable. He also wants out, but probably feels "jailed in" and doesn't want to hurt your feelings by bringing up the subject. You brought it up here so you'll have to bring it up at home SOON and GET IT OVER WITH quickly. Good luck and speed be with you.  

Life in an unhappy marriage has to be far worse than life alone doing what you choose to do when and where. Make your own wishes come true!

[elated]

No one really knows or understands what you are going through until you live in someone's footsteps. Maybe or maybe not this was a bad marriage to start. People marry for many reasons and later regret their decision.

IMHO, you are frozen in fear of what will be next. Make a decision and move forward. You will be much happier and relieved from your daily stress. This is wearing on your health. Put one foot in front of another and do what is right for yourself.

I wish you the best. Being alone is being very strong through the ups and downs. Living a good life can be yours.

[Tinkrbl44]

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@Effie54 wrote:

My best friend is in a situation similar to yours. Though logically, I'm sure you both know it's a toxic place to remain in, yet, my friend cannot or will not divorce her spouse. It would take an emotionally strong person with a great amount of willpower to actually have the gumption to go to a lawyer, break up a household, and live a peaceful life. It's certainly not easy, but only you can decide what you can live with. There is always a trade off no matter which road you choose. It's so difficult to watch my friend basically toss her life away because of the unknowns or because of fear. I myself would have left eons ago and just dealt with what came my way (I did in fact years ago). As hard as it was, I never regretted my decision. Peace comes at the end of the tunnel...called light. 

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@Effie54   @White Picket Fence 

Your friend's situation reminds me of the saying ....

"The devil you know is better than the devil you don't know".  

Like you, I disagree.  The devil she doesn't know may not be a devil at all.  It might just be a blessing in disguise.

[Goldengate8361]

@White Picket Fence @I'm sorry you're in this situation, but I can 100% promise you one thing: living alone in your 60s is great! It's not lonely or bad in any way. I'm sure there will be an adjustment , but believe me when I say.....your best years are just starting! Really! I hope you can find a way to bravely embrace uncertainty and reach the wonderful space of being a single woman in your 6os and thereafter. You'll see. I promise.

[RetRN]

Run, don't walk. His emotional abuse is killing you and you deserve so much better. I know many women is their 60's who are alone and they are so happy and thriving. You do not need to get a driver's license to survive, especially with your being anxious. You will be able to find other sources of transportation and the cost and maintenance of a vehicle is not necessary. 

Please move forward with a divorce and start living. Wishing you all the best.

[RedTop]

@White Picket Fence 

I am sorry for the situation you and your husband are in; life is short, and both of you need to be enjoying each day and living with purpose.  Untie that knot, dissolve those vows, both of you move on, and stop weighing each other down!  

You are alone and living separate lives now, despite the fact he is in the same house.  With no more thought and caring than you are being shown, why are you reluctant to take the first step to freedom?  

Your health issues are going to be with you regardless of whether you're with your husband.  Accept that and deal with it; deep down you already know that at 66 years old, you can take care of yourself!  You are afraid of change, but your life isn't going to get better unless you make a BIG one.  

Your mindset will be better once you are living on your own.  Just make up your mind to go for a fresh start and stop holding yourself back.  I do wish you strength, and better days ahead.