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07-04-2018 09:14 AM
Anything worthwhile takes effort, thus work. Each person must work to meet the other person's needs. It takes effort to communicate, find mutual interests, stay connected, keep the love in the forefront, avoid selfishness, avoid either party becoming resentful, etc. If one slacks off or doesn't try to meet the other partner's needs, the marriage will fail.
You explained it very well. It is a lot of work. I can see women doing all that but not many men I have ever known.
I agree with @chiclet. I do everything listed in this post, but my husband? Not so much. He willingly does most things I suggest doing together; I guess I should be happy about that. But he never suggests any activities for us to do together and is quite happy doing his own thing all the time. Most of our shared interests when we were first together have gone by the wayside for one reason or another. We now have little in common.
There are things I admire about him, and I know I can count on him and that he is faithful. I am very tied down now with the care of my elderly mother who has Alzheimer's, but once she passes, I plan to volunteer (did this before my mother got bad) and travel even if I have to do it by myself. If I am happier in my own life, I will be happier in my married life. Feelings are fleeting. And the discontent I feel now is not necessarily what I will feel down the road. My husband is happy and says that often. A friend tells me it is because he is getting what he wants out of the relationship. lol At any rate, I am committed to staying in this relationship as it is more good than bad...just not what I had hoped for.
07-04-2018 09:17 AM
I think marriages wax & wan as far as who is giving and who is getting a greater amount. If a marriage is all one way , all the time that would be a possible unresolvable issue. If one or the other is constantly keeping score that also would be a problem.
07-04-2018 10:10 AM
Interesting post. I’m single and I’ve always secretly thought that marriage should not be “work.” Yes, it should be valued, prioritized, treated with care, etc.....but work? People need to remember that they do NOT have to be married. When people talk about divorce rates being high, I always think that divorce rates are really too LOW! One can live a 100% terrific, happy, fufilling life NOT being a married person. Sadly, many folks do t seem to understand that.
I really enjoyed reading your post and I agree with you 100%. I do think that this is changing however and that more young people are choosing to remain single. I believe that so many of them have seen unhappy couples and don't want that life.
07-04-2018 10:30 AM
I think the more accurate word is commitment. Commitment when there's money issues, sick spouses, kids that have special needs, elderly parents, job troubles, mental illness, changes in values and much more.
For us the key is being flexible. LIfe isn't always exciting with parties, lots of family and friends around (like TV commericals depict), trips to Disney and Sandals, etc.
Someone close to me once said "there's a few really great moments, a few really tough moments and the rest of life is just OK." Laundry, groceries, cooking, cleaning, working and right now that's pretty much what we do. Friends come and go, people pass away and kids grow up and move away.
You have to keep your expectations realistic. Vacations get rained on, so be ok with it and pick Plan B.
We celebrate 40 years this month. It's never easy but we like each other and are still in love
07-04-2018 11:10 AM
Marriage is one of the greatest things in life if you have the right partner and the key word is partner. You have to be a team and the other persons' happiness has to mean more to you than your own. Now it must be a two way street. There is nothing better than having someone you really like and enjoy with you to share the wonderful things and the hard things that life brings. Laughter, respect, communication and honesty are the key things in a good solid marriage. My husband and I have been married for thirty one years and we have a wonderful time just enjoying life. The most important thing of all in my opinion is that you really do have to like the person you are married to.
07-04-2018 11:20 AM
Married 41 years to a wonderful man with bipolar—
my marriage is lots of work, always has been. Is it worth it? Yes, he is my rock, my everything.
Maybe those who speak for others and judge shouldn’t.
07-04-2018 12:50 PM
I have been married for over 25 years after a few month courtship.I am more in love now with my husband than the first day we met.It is only my opinion,but I feel marriage is something that needs attention,much like any living thing.You cannot neglect any aspect.Sometimes you have to love more ,fight harder,some days it is easier. I will say it is a lovely feeling knowing someone always has your back,knows you ,puts your happiness in the forefront
Happy spouses make the other spouse happy. We have been through severe illness,many deaths of close relatives, we have a history that is shared,this has made us stronger knowing we can weather any storm together.My husband calls me every few hours when not home,he will always say I cant wait to come home, I miss you,Hows the kids?The kids are our animals, we have no children.I must say we are much closer than friends with children.Maybe because we are not pulled in many directions.I do believe a good marriage is one of the biggest blessings we are given..MaryAnne
07-04-2018 02:08 PM
@chiclet, I have to disagree with you, a "good" marriage is hard work! After being single and living on my own for over 10 yrs, at the age of 35 I got married! I married someone in the military, left my hometown and moved to Washington DC not knowing anyone! That first year was rough, but thank goodness we survived it! We have been married 33 yrs, and I can honestly say, I love my husband more today than the day I married him! You have to work at anything that is worthwhile, marriage is not a piece of cake!!!
07-04-2018 02:23 PM
My dh and I always chuckle when we hear how hard marriage is. It hasn't been for us at all! It's been the easiest task. We've been together 44 years and will be celebrating our 40th at the end of the month. It's been the the easiest thing I've had to do loving my sweetie and he feels the same.
@ID2 I agree with you !D2. It isn't work for my husband and I either. We have been happily married for 37 years. He retired this Spring after 40 years with the same company. He said he was most happy about being able to spend even more time with me doing things together. He is truely a blessing. I picked a good one. Didn't marry the first guy that asked me. ok to date, but not to marry. I knew what I wanted and waited.
07-04-2018 03:38 PM
In defense of anyone who has found pain and disappointment associated with marriage, I will state 52% of our population dissolves marriage while many others are unhappily married. If marriage was just about two people loving one another, then yes, marriage is easy. However, family, life, finances, children, distractions, unfaithfulness, careers, disease, health problems, addictions, mental illness, depression and lost dreams factor into the equation of marriage. There are situations in life one well-intentioned person simply cannot control; leading to a failed relationship.
I've been married 39 years to a wonderful man; my best friend. We would both say marriage takes work. It's not a fairy tale.
I'm happy for anyone who enjoys an enduring, satisfying marriage relationship. I have grace for those who would have loved to experience this type of relationship but it didn't happen for them.
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