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Valued Contributor
Posts: 791
Registered: ‎05-01-2020

@Tgbtg I'm sorry things are challenging right now and I'm glad you've gotten some encouragement here.

While you wait for your appt with a counsellor, may I suggest you check your library for "It's Just My Nature" by Carol Tuttle. It really helped me understand myself and others *so much* better and is an easy way to manage expectations I might have. Reading one of the versions of "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman (again, check your library) could also help. These are both quick and easy reads but very beneficial.

Also, service (even small acts) can start to shift things as well as focusing on what's working and why you got married in the first place.

Hope this helps and that things improve for you soon. {hugs}

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,162
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Married 43 years and have had both couple and individual counseling. Twenties was so unpleasant for us. Married a churchy guy and our marriage counseling was with unqualified pastor. Nightmare. We married after college, had careers and what I wanted from life didn't line up with pastor's handmaiden advice. I separated from hubs for 3 years. So, naturally, I have a bias against religious counseling by unqualified pastors.    

 

I'm a fan of individual counseling first. Counseling only worked for us when we first had individual counseling. Glad to report we went on to have 3 kids, 4 grandsons, and are united on most important issues. I credit this to individual counseling from qualified professionals and honest communications. One person is generally better at communications than the other so be patient.   

 

I go to counseling once a decade now - just for me. Not spouse related. Life events ebb and flow and counseling is helpful to have an educated, non-partial person to chat with. After miscarriage, age 27, great advice from Dr. Elizabeth that stays with me... "Grieve, then in time, stop taking your emotional temperature daily. Live." If my hubs, friend, dad or sis would have told me this, I would have been angry with them.   

 

Sorry so chatty, but this can be such a hurtful time for people. Kind regards.    

"I took a walk in the woods and came out taller than the trees." Henry David Thoreau
Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,162
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

@ThinkingOutLoud You are one, smart cookie!

"I took a walk in the woods and came out taller than the trees." Henry David Thoreau
Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,535
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Again, I want to thank everyone SO MUCH for replying to my post.  I feel really touched by many of you sharing your experiences so willingly...and the advice and wisdom you have shared have made me feel much better about things.

@ThinkingOutLoud I am an avid reader.  Upon your suggestion, I immediately went to my library website and reserved both books.  It's Just my Nature has just been added to my library and is being processed.  I'm now second on the list for it.  I don't believe in coincidence, so the timing is uncanny to say the least.  Thank you, thank you, thank you for posting about these two books as it will give me something to read and work on prior to our counseling sessions.  

Honored Contributor
Posts: 20,732
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

@Tgbtg  Married 41 years....yes we probably could use it. We have a working dysfunctional marriage. Probably like most. 

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,869
Registered: ‎08-19-2014

DH & I have been married for over 40 years. We have had our share of issues but loved eachother enough to work it out. We worked together to grow our relationship.We never felt the need for counseling. 
 I understand that some couples can benefit from counseling. If you feel it could help then try it. Good luck.

Super Contributor
Posts: 437
Registered: ‎03-17-2018

We've been married 21 years, and we did try counseling once during a particularly difficult time. Did it work? Well, yes and no. The counselor was terrible, but we found ourselves in agreement about him, and we started making jokes about him after our sessions. So ultimately, it was remembering our shared sense of humor that got us through!

 

I second the recommendation for The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. My DH and I have different love languages, and neither of us recognized that we were communicating love in different ways until we read the book. 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 30,380
Registered: ‎01-08-2011

I have been down this road.  He, as usual put his head "under his wing" and was the personality he always was.  My mistake.

Easy going is easy going.  Easy going will shrink back and dessert you or disappear when the going gets tough.  You need to be strong, because you will be the one to build the wall in defence.

 

Also, remember, many times you have enjoyed "easy going".  That's a big rock in the road that we eventually pay for.

 

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 7,395
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Yes- and it helped a lot. It strengthens your spirit to decide to stay together - or not. For me , the later. Some couples jsut have different priorities and goals- and it takes someone  impartial to help you figure that out. 

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,199
Registered: ‎06-02-2014

When I was in my twenties, I had a very good friend who was about ten years older and was a marriage and family counselor.  I always remember she said a marriage can only be saved if both husband and wife want to save it.

It sounds so simple, but I always remember that.

 

So, I agree with @alicedee.