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03-31-2021 05:56 AM
@Calcgirl wrote:I believe the right counselor and the buy in by both partners would make counseling helpful. However, it will only work if both people realize a relationship takes two, not one to be successful. No one is perfect, so it isn;t just the husband or wife that needs to make changes, it is both.
My late husband and I never needed counseling, thankfully because we decided when we married that we would never get off our honeymoon and allow our marriage to become stale. Each week we had a date night, he would send me flowers at work, just because he loved me. I would put love notes in his lunch or pocket, I enjoyed gummie bears, so he would hide them in a drawer he knew I would go into. In fact a few months after my beloved went to Heaven I went into a kitchen drawer I hadn't been in since my sweetie left and there it was a package of gummie bears and a note saying he loved me more today than yesterday. I felt he was speaking from Heaven. Yes, did he do things that drove me crazy, of coursse. For instance I could always find him by following the trail of his clothes. LOL. AT first, I would get perturbed and tell him to please picjk up his clothes. Well, that worked for a few days. Then one day a friend of ours husband, barely 40 died suddenly of a heart attack. I was so thankful for my hubby and realized my friend would have given her right arm to have her husband alive leaving his clothes around the house. So I would pick them up myself. After a few times, my sweetie started doing it himself (most of the time). We would do spontaneous things, such as I would put on a sexy nightie, come into the family room and turn the tv off and take his hand into the bedroom. One time he said can we wait a few more minutes, the program is almost over. For some reason that made me laugh, I don't know why. He started to laugh as well, got up turned off the tv and carried me into the bedroom. Make life exciting, like you did when you were dating. Rediscover your love for one another. I will admit, I envy you that you still have your sweetie with you to drive you crazy. I wish my hubby was here, ten long years and my heart is still broken. Good luck dear lady, I hope your marriage grows stronger and lasts a very long time. God Bless.
My husband sounds alot like yours. Maybe I'm JUST TOO stupid to have seen that. Thank you for posting this. XXOO
03-31-2021 09:56 AM
OP here. I, again, want to thank everyone for posting about your experience. For those who are in/have been in great relationships, you are very blessed, and I picked up on a theme that your husbands/SO's are/were doing their part, as well. Not so in mine. Our marriage has become so one-sided with me doing all the emotional work, compromise, etc. that I just stopped trying to see what would be the result, and guess what? He didn't pick up the slack at all nor mention that anything was different, so my attitude became one of, "Why bother?"
And because we have had communication issues for a long time (as I look back--really we did from the start, but I was "in love" and chose to ignore them), talking about my concerns fell on deaf ears or promises of change with nothing happening. We finally had a very long overdue argument last week that turned very ugly, and because I had so much built up resentment and anger, things were said that should have been said/dealt with a long time ago. When I finally mentioned divorce as an alternative, this is what finally seemed to wake him up. And I did not mention it for that reason; I have/had been considering it for quite some time. Not that I want that, which is why it has been nothing more than a thought in my mind. What I really want is for us to get back what we had near the beginning of our relationship--the emotions and expressions of love.
We went on a small day trip Monday at his suggestion. Covid has shut down a lot of what we used to do, as I have a health condition that can be particularly affected by Covid. But we have both had our first shots and went to outdoor venues for our day trip. I told him that I was appreciative that he wanted to work on our marriage to get back what he had, and he said, "I don't want to lose you." I have been reading The 5 Love Languages, and he willingly took the quiz in the back of the book. We were both surprised to find that we both have the same love language(s), but yet he rarely shows them to me. I used to show them to him but quit when it was never reciprocated. I wonder why he quit meeting my needs? I am very hopeful that counseling will tell me this. I know I have had partial fault of what has gone wrong in our marriage; I truly do. I'm just not sure what I did/have done to make him change.
03-31-2021 12:45 PM
@Ainhisg, you have the fact that is willing to work with you on your relationship. That is a major advantage.
03-31-2021 02:50 PM
I don't think marriage conseling will work unless both parties want to save the marriage. I know it would not have helped my marriage because I was one who wanted the divorce.
04-02-2021 10:14 AM
@chiclet ---Did I marry your hubs clone???? My--soon -to-be -X---is the same way----and more so starting 2016--if you get my drift----brainwashed and rabid dog reaction to anything that was said to the negative of his warped thoughts------did me a huge favor to say he wanted out---and funny or maybe sad---most of my friends /family first reaction was---GOOD!!!!!
04-02-2021 11:34 PM - edited 04-02-2021 11:45 PM
@Ainhisg Had a couple other thoughts so I'm popping in again. The two books I recommended are good for understanding yourself and each other. Aside from that though, do you have a common goal you're working towards as a couple/family (ie dream home, etc)? Do you have things planned that you both can look forward to (ie vacation, etc)? Traditions can be like glue that keeps things sticking together/provide stability. Do you have some? Those kind of things can help keep/shift perspective and provide something to focus on other than just the day-to-day.
04-03-2021 02:04 PM
@ThinkingOutLoud wrote:@Ainhisg Had a couple other thoughts so I'm popping in again. The two books I recommended are good for understanding yourself and each other. Aside from that though, do you have a common goal you're working towards as a couple/family (ie dream home, etc)? Do you have things planned that you both can look forward to (ie vacation, etc)? Traditions can be like glue that keeps things sticking together/provide stability. Do you have some? Those kind of things can help keep/shift perspective and provide something to focus on other than just the day-to-day.
No, we don't really have a common goal or traditions as odd as that sounds. We were both married previously and have no children. We haven't traveled in several years because of our two elderly dogs. I won't go into the details, but suffice it to say, it would be difficult finding care for them for various reasons. That being said, we are currently working on finding a solution for that. Things have been much better this week. He is like a new man or maybe I should say the former man I fell in love with. We still have issues--no doubt about that--but things are better. The 5 Languages book really helped us, and he has been reading it, too. I am looking forward to counseling as I wonder if these changes will be able to be sustained. And I know I have things I need to work on, but I'm not sure what, since he doesn't express himself.
04-03-2021 03:26 PM
@Ainhisg wrote:
@ThinkingOutLoud wrote:@Ainhisg Had a couple other thoughts so I'm popping in again. The two books I recommended are good for understanding yourself and each other. Aside from that though, do you have a common goal you're working towards as a couple/family (ie dream home, etc)? Do you have things planned that you both can look forward to (ie vacation, etc)? Traditions can be like glue that keeps things sticking together/provide stability. Do you have some? Those kind of things can help keep/shift perspective and provide something to focus on other than just the day-to-day.
No, we don't really have a common goal or traditions as odd as that sounds. We were both married previously and have no children. We haven't traveled in several years because of our two elderly dogs. I won't go into the details, but suffice it to say, it would be difficult finding care for them for various reasons. That being said, we are currently working on finding a solution for that. Things have been much better this week. He is like a new man or maybe I should say the former man I fell in love with. We still have issues--no doubt about that--but things are better. The 5 Languages book really helped us, and he has been reading it, too. I am looking forward to counseling as I wonder if these changes will be able to be sustained. And I know I have things I need to work on, but I'm not sure what, since he doesn't express himself.
So glad to hear things are better!! Just fyi - traditions can just be as simple as having dinner together every night, going to church regularly, weekly movie or game nights, etc. Anyway, I do hope the counseling is helpful but maybe one thing to do for sustaining/maintainance is team-building exercises. They can be fun and part of date night (ie go to an escape room - google for more ideas). Just some thoughts/ideas. Hoping the best for you (and your elderly dogs)!
04-03-2021 05:59 PM
My husband has gone before, I am his third wife. I was widowed and have never been.
He went with his second wife but was not able to save the marriage, infidelity on here part.
After the divorce he went by himself to see why he had ended up divorced twice. It must have done something positive, he is a wonderful husband.
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