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Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,257
Registered: ‎08-19-2014

 @hyacinth003   I understand exactly how you feel.I'm with you 100%. You are grieving & you need to do whatever you have to do to find inner peace.

    I've been through a similar situation involving my dad. My mom was alive then .We were extremely upset at the hospital my father died in.I won't go into details but my mom retained an attorney with my help.It wasn't about the money it was about holding the hospital accountable for their actions.

     Good luck💐

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,391
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Like @Isobel Archer  and @IG  said, assisted living is just that...assisted and usually only if a resident asks for help.  Seems to me, the care you were desiring for your father would be skilled nursing care in a skilled nursing facility.  My mom has been in assisted living for 5 years. She is fine for the most part but is in kind of a gray area where she needs a bit more help than they give her but not enough for a skilled nursing facility.  She rarely, if ever, uses her call button, which is frustrating for the facility workers and for us.  But she loves it there (as much as anyone can in a facility), so when something finally happens to her while there, then it just does.  It would be no one's fault as they can not be with Mom 100% of the time.

If a resident doesn't come to the dining room for a meal, the staff will go check on the resident as soon as they can.  But assisted living provides some independence for the resident, and the staff can't "make" a resident come down for a meal if they don't want to do so.  So the fact that your dad was in the bathroom while everyone else was dining, does not show negligence on the staff's part.  This is my opinion, and I know you're set on your course, so I hope you get the result that you want.  

Honored Contributor
Posts: 15,500
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

@Shanus 

 

My point was that there is a big difference in the care provided for 'assisted living' versus full nursing care, one being that the beds have alarms which notify the nursing station if a patient tries to get out of bed by themselves, when they have a history of falls and refusing to use their call button for help.

 

Our grandmother was in assisted living for several years before she had a bad fall and lost an eye. She did use her call button, after she fell, but the damage was done.

 

At that point the family and the facility realized that she could no longer be in assisted living, she needed more monitoring, so she moved into the nursing wing.

 

She lived there several more years before she peacefully passed at 104 y.o., but she never had another fall, even if she 'forgot' to use the call button to get out of bed, the bed alarm alerted staff and they came running!

 

They also had help bathing, grooming, getting dressed, delivering and feed them their meals and medications.

 

None of these amenities are included in 'assisted living' on a regular basis, that's why the nursing wing is more expensive than the assisted living wing.

 

We had the same experience with our other grandmother, 103.

 

She also lived in assisted living as long as she only needed the limited assistance, but when she needed much more help and monitoring, the family and the facility said she had to move to the nursing unit.

 

I think the OP was clear that money was not the issue, stating they were paying also for 12 hr. private nursing care in assisted living, which certainly was not inexpensive.

You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.
Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,805
Registered: ‎10-01-2013

I think the OP really needs to move on with her life. If it's not about money, then why not leave her father RIP? Accidents happen and blaming others will not bring her father back.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 15,500
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

@Nicksmom wrote:

 @hyacinth003   I understand exactly how you feel.I'm with you 100%. You are grieving & you need to do whatever you have to do to find inner peace.

    I've been through a similar situation involving my dad. My mom was alive then .We were extremely upset at the hospital my father died in.I won't go into details but my mom retained an attorney with my help.It wasn't about the money it was about holding the hospital accountable for their actions.

     Good luck💐


 

@Nicksmom 

 

Hospitals have a much higher standard of care and protocols than an assisted living facility.

 

My family was also involved in a malpractice lawsuit against a surgeon for a surgical procedure done on my brother that led to his death.

 

The standard of proof is much, much higher when it involves Drs. and hospitals, operating under a much stricter protocol and standard of care.

 

End result was malpractice was proven and his wife and 2 children were awarded $3.1 million, but as you stated, that didn't bring our loved one back, but it held the Dr, accountable for his actions or lack therof. 

You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.
Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,257
Registered: ‎08-19-2014

@IG  I agree the standard of care is different in an assisted care facility .Nonetheless, a standard of care still exists. These facilities charge a fortune because they sell a level of service. They don't always live up to what they promise. 
  My aunt was in an expensive assisted care facility that didn't live up to their promise.Luckily her kids, who were picking up the tab, we're on the ball. They transferred her out immediately. She was put 
a better facility that cost $1000 less a month.Sadly, she passed away last year in her sleep, at the age of 100.

  I still think @hyacinth003  is doing the right thing in holding the facility accountable.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 22,999
Registered: ‎05-17-2010

@IG  I get it. My Mom had to be moved to a nursing home from assisted living, too. Even so, the extra help we hired was to be sure when her tray came, someone was in her room to help her manage eating or if she couldn't reach her drink,etc. Unfortuneately, even in a nursing home situation, the nurses there are overwhelmed and not as attentive as they should be. 

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,269
Registered: ‎05-08-2010

Re: Making a tough decision

[ Edited ]

My deepest sympathies to you, @hyacinth003 . Having lost my own Dad (96-year-old army vet) in May 2019, I truly feel for you.  You've written here several times before about the lack of support (and worse) from your family.  I can't help but think that this overlay of family troubles makes your decision-making even more fraught for you emotionally.

 

You say that you "decided to contact an attorney to file suit against the assisted living facility."  But have you already done so, and spoken with him/her at length?  Unless you have, your decision to sue is not -- and should not be -- final yet.  There are potentially big costs to you should you sue -- I'm not talking financially (though there may be those too), but in terms of time commitment, emotions, stress, and overall mental and possibly physical health. An experienced and honest attorney will tell you as much.  At this point, it would be wise to search for a trustworthy lawyer who will counsel you in a way no one on these boards can.  I urge you, for your sake and your husband's, to invest your efforts on that front, rather than diverting any more energy here.  You've gotten some good and bad advice in this forum, and it's easy to tell which is which.  It's time to get some solid legal advice so that your next step, whatever it may be, is one you can live with.

 

 

Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,618
Registered: ‎03-12-2010

The statute of limitations is 2 years in these types of cases. 

 

Why didn't I do this sooner?  For all the reasons people stated!  I thought of each and every issue brought up here.  In between grief, being executor of the estate, being hurt by my brother, etc., I had a lot on my mind. 

 

I didn't want to be reacting only emotionally.  I wanted to think through the facts and feelings.  I decided to see if the facts backed up the feelings.  I have an attorney willing to investigate the facts.  It's pretty serious when a death occurs. 

 

So for all the issues presented, that's why it took me a year to act.  I think my Dad deserved better.

 

Hyacinth

Honored Contributor
Posts: 56,926
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: Making a tough decision

[ Edited ]

I guess we all need to do what we feel we need to do. Personally, there's no way any of us can know if the home was remiss in their duties. Old people fall. It sounds as though your father resisted efforts to help, preferring to try to remain independent. It also sounds as though there might have been some sort of cognitive deficit going on. Are any of these factors their fault? 

 

I'd also note that neither his military history nor his having cared for your mother have any bearing whatsoever on the matter at hand. It's fine for you to acknowledge and be proud of these things, but they're simply not relevant factors. In a perfect world, no one would end their time on this earth the way so many do.

 

My own thinking is it's time for you to let the passing of your father go. His loss, the settling of what sounds to be his significant estate and related family issues seem to have consumed you for some time


In my pantry with my cupcakes...