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Honored Contributor
Posts: 25,472
Registered: ‎05-17-2010

Re: LEARNING FROM MOM HOW NOT TO AGE


@chrystaltree wrote:

For the life of me, I can't figure out why everyone is putting such pressure on 90 year old woman.  It's like making her last days as miserable as they can.  Eating right ??? seriously???  She isn't going to live forever and "eating right" isn't going to do anything for her now.  Tastes buds weaken as we grow older so it's possible that is why she likes sweets and snacks.  She can taste them.  She obviously doesn't do her own shopping so whoever does should have some compassion and common sense and buy the foods that give her pleasure....and that she'll eat.  Your mother has multiple issues but as you said, she's 90.  Some people in that age group do sort of "retire" or "withdraw" from life.  It's very common.  They do sit in front of the tv, stare out of a window for hours.  If she can be coaxed to go out with someone and take daily walk, that would be good for her but it she doesn't want to.  Leave her alone.  Let her watch her tv programs.  I know it's hard for you because she's your mother but she's at the end of her life.  So, leave her alone and just attend to safety and hygiene issues.

 

Having said that, you should indeed use your aunt as your role model.  The people who age well and stay connected and truly "live" their lives deep into their 90's and now into their 100's are the people who stayed mentally and physically active all their lives.  They never "morphed" into sedentary elderly people, they just kept being their selves and living their lives.  Yes, I think when you speak to those people they tell you they ate well, more of a balanced diet than anything extreme.  All things in moderation. Many of the health issues that older people struggle with are lifestyle issues that could have been avoided or treated....they just didn't because in the 60's and 70's those things are manageable.  And then in their 80's and 90's, they pay the price.   


@chrystaltree  ....a breath of fresh air.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 12,704
Registered: ‎08-22-2013

Re: LEARNING FROM MOM HOW NOT TO AGE

Sounds to me Mom is living her last days the way she wants, not the way others think she should be living life. The woman's 90, give her a break. I don't want my son telling me how to live out my last days. I always tell him," Mommy will try to drop dead for you", and he says," thanks Mom".LOL

Honored Contributor
Posts: 25,472
Registered: ‎05-17-2010

Re: LEARNING FROM MOM HOW NOT TO AGE


@blackhole99 wrote:

Sounds to me Mom is living her last days the way she wants, not the way others think she should be living life. The woman's 90, give her a break. I don't want my son telling me how to live out my last days. I always tell him," Mommy will try to drop dead for you", and he says," thanks Mom".LOL


 

@blackhole99  That’s more than weird. 

 

Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,112
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: LEARNING FROM MOM HOW NOT TO AGE

@Shanus 


@Shanus wrote:

I’ve been spending a lot of time w/ my almost 90 yr. old mother, especially the last 5 yrs. since Dad died. She’s never accepted that, stayed to herself and relies on me, my grown son & granddaughters for human contact. 

 

After a fall (no physical injuries), she’s gotten more difficult to help. We had hired 24 hr. aides to help her out (she uses a walker & no longer drives), but after a few months, she has let them all go and is down to one aide only 3 hours in the morning. 

 

Advised by her docs to watch her diet (diabetes & taking meds), her cabinets are stocked w/ cookies & candies and not much else. She’s been eating this way for awhile and has suffered health issues, but still not enough to make her see the light.

 

After she fell 6 months ago, the doctor recommended physical therapy to strengthen her legs so can use the walker more easily. Of course, she canceled all appts. after 2 sessions saying it made it sore. 

 

She no longer “travels” (has a driver) the hour and half to visit me or my son w/ GD, but complains of loneliness which is putting each of us on the road to visit her several time a week. 

 

I attended her last physical and the doc gave her the usual “warnings” about eating healthy, not sitting all day in front of the TV, but w/ the walker doing some walking on the premises, inside her bldg. if hot, but it fell on deaf ears. 

 

She’s been  incontinent (?) for many years and personal hygiene is very poor leading to UTIs and many bouts of MRSA which has kept us from visiting. Still nothing brings change.

 

I spoke to my son last nite (we were all together there for July 4th) & we just have no more answers, but I’ve learned what NOT to do as I age. 

 

Isolation, no exercise, poor diet for so many years has taken a toll on her and made it difficult for us to help her. She has a sister who’s 18 months older. She’s taken care of herself, stayed thin and listened to her docs. Walks in the mall every day w/ her daughter, eats a balanced diet and is going w/ her family for a short beach trip...enjoying her grandchildren & great-grandchildren to the fullest in the time she has left.

 

I’m taking my cues from my aunt, not my mother.

 


I have two friends, one 90 and one 92.  The 90 in very poor health like your mother.  Hasn,t exercised in years some and cane, isolated , caregiver 3hours once a week that just takes her shopping.  The caregiver does her own shopping on my friends dime.

 

The 92 goes to the gym, lifts weights and swims takes cAre of her own housekeeping and garden.  Activity is the key. 

Valued Contributor
Posts: 788
Registered: ‎01-01-2014

Re: LEARNING FROM MOM HOW NOT TO AGE

@chrystaltree I so agree with you.  My 95 year old father passed away one month ago. He was still working out at the gym but when my Mom pass it was as if she was one of the people in the stories here.   

 

I know when a person loves their parents it is impossible to see them go downhill.  But that is part of the life spiral.  There are many reasons people of old age eat differently, do not have good hygiene and many other issues.   THEY ARE JUST PLAIN TIRED AND WORN OUT.   The same can be said with people that have critical illness.  We get tired putting on clothing.   

 

My heart breaks for all that shared their stories here and I wish them some sense of relief but I also know what it feels like from the side of a person that is unable any longer to walk flights of stairs, cook full meals and the list goes on.  

 

All I have to say is what I tell young people at my home, do not judge others as God will allow you to experience it for yourself.  

 

If these changes just started it old age, it is not part of their normal characteristics.  

 

Just be happy you have them and spend every minute you can with them as they are gone in a flash

Honored Contributor
Posts: 12,704
Registered: ‎08-22-2013

Re: LEARNING FROM MOM HOW NOT TO AGE

@Shanus  I know, right!

Honored Contributor
Posts: 30,276
Registered: ‎08-23-2010

Re: LEARNING FROM MOM HOW NOT TO AGE

@Shanus

 

You mentioned a healthy aunt but didn't say anything about their relationship or how close (miles) to one another they are.  Perhaps enrolling your aunt in getting a fire lit under your mother is a possibility.   Simply reacting to mom's behavior can seem like the path of least resistance, but if your aunt can be of any help, have a talk with her.   Something needs to change there.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 25,472
Registered: ‎05-17-2010

Re: LEARNING FROM MOM HOW NOT TO AGE


@Tinkrbl44 wrote:

@Shanus

 

You mentioned a healthy aunt but didn't say anything about their relationship or how close (miles) to one another they are.  Perhaps enrolling your aunt in getting a fire lit under your mother is a possibility.   Simply reacting to mom's behavior can seem like the path of least resistance, but if your aunt can be of any help, have a talk with her.   Something needs to change there.


@Tinkrbl44  My aunt lives 3 hrs. from my Mother and speak daily. My aunt is reasonable & Mom quite stubborn. She listens to no one. The few years left, will be spent in front of the tv b*tching and saying “Whoa is me”. She could have helped herself 20 years ago when family/doctors made the effort to steer her in the correct direction to be healthier in older years. It was her choice then & our problem now. I think she adores the extra attention required to care for her.

 

Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,459
Registered: ‎09-12-2010

Re: LEARNING FROM MOM HOW NOT TO AGE

@Shanus, it's so hard to watch your mother decline so steadily and I feel your pain and frustration. Many of us can identify with what you are going through. Stay strong for your mother, but also for yourself.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 25,472
Registered: ‎05-17-2010

Re: LEARNING FROM MOM HOW NOT TO AGE


@jannabelle1 wrote:

@Shanus, it's so hard to watch your mother decline so steadily and I feel your pain and frustration. Many of us can identify with what you are going through. Stay strong for your mother, but also for yourself.


 

 

@jannabelle1  I appreciate your thoughts & comments. 💕