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Honored Contributor
Posts: 18,504
Registered: ‎05-23-2010

Re: Just one of the dilemma's I'm facing right now...


@SerenityNowMyndi wrote:

@RedTop, it sounds as if the facility's goal may have been wanting to protect their resident's fragile elderly skin, by having them wear long-sleeves & long pants; did they ever mention why they required those rules?  Many people are on blood thinners too, which would make any little nick or cut bleed profusely.  I imagine there have been many lawsuits when these things happen, too.  (I would be fussing about long sleeves, too! I'm very warm-natured.)

 

To some people that seems like removing their right to dress as they want; while to others, it would seem irresponsible to not protect their skin & health with such an easy solution.  The longer someone is around these types of situations and sees what can happen, the more they tend to believe these types of rules are there for a reason, and it isn't to remove individual's rights, but to safeguard people who aren't able to safeguard themselves.

 

 I wholeheartedly agree that we all do what we have to do, given the change in circumstances when our loved ones get this way.  

 

@house_cat, you can't please everybody, you know your own mother better than anyone else, so what do you think she would want you to do?  What would she do for you, if roles were reversed?  You can take comfort with following the answer in your heart that feels right for the both of you.  I know this has to be a heartbreaking time for you, and my heart goes out to you & your family.  Please don't kick yourself when you have to make some hard choices for your mother's well-being.  Believe that on some level, she understands & supports you for looking out for her in a way that she would want. 


 

 

Great post. 

 

I had never thought of it, but the idea of long sleeves and pants because of thin and very frsgile elderly skin makes perfect sense. My mother's skin was paper thin and would tear and bruise if you looked at it. Places who deal with the fragile elderly all the time often know best.

Life without Mexican food is no life at all
Honored Contributor
Posts: 18,504
Registered: ‎05-23-2010

Re: Just one of the dilemma's I'm facing right now...

It's extremely common in dementia patients, especially Alzheimers patients, to lose their inhibitions, pull off their clothes and walk around naked.

 

One of many articles:

 

https://www.caring.com/articles/5-ways-to-cope-with-a-dementia-stripper

Life without Mexican food is no life at all
Honored Contributor
Posts: 12,882
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Just one of the dilemma's I'm facing right now...

I feel so badly for you and your DH and son.

 

I know I would not want to subject my children, their spouses or my grandchildren to something like this.

 

I see your husband's point totally.

 

You are no longer living with your own husband because of your parent.  It's noble of you and him that you're doing this.  I hope not to sound patronizing to say 'noble'.

 

But.... 

 

Is your mother happy you're there?  Or is she totally unaware of the circumstances?

 

If she's happy and she tells you how much she appreciates it, then it would be worth it to stay for a while longer.

 

If she is totally oblivious that you're no longer with your DH (and son), then she needs care.  Better care.  You can't do it all. 

 

You work, you're married, you have a son who needs you also. 

 

I would never want to cause any embarrassment or uneasiness with my children, if I'm totally unaware of it.

 

I think you need to look into alternatives for her living arrangements. 

 

 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 8,955
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: Just one of the dilemma's I'm facing right now...

Your point is SO well takn by me, Lucky charm.  I nearly died when we began to realize that my mother needed more care than I could give her.

My guilt was  excruciating. The only thing that ultimately forced me to make a move was that my mother became an extreme fall rsk, and it was obvious to me that she'd never be able to withstand the surgery  comparable to what she'd had when she'd brken her hip.

 

My mother actually did exactly as House Cat's mom has done. A relatve had sent some very nice clothes to her after a death intheir family.

Weeks later my mother took me to her closet and showed me the clothes that had been givn to her, and said "None of these are mine."

 

When this happens to a woman who had been the core of your family, it is totally disorienting.

 

House cat, could you try a light knit that might fit more snugly and be a little more modest?

Thinking of you.....

Contributor
Posts: 69
Registered: ‎06-26-2010

Re: Just one of the dilemma's I'm facing right now...

It is wonderful,you take care of your parents. As a former healthcare worker,it may be that your mother is uncomfortable with tight clothing. Some illnesses,cause pain or discomfort. I am no Dr,but there is always a reason why people do certain things.  You may feel comforted,by talking to her physician,or her! I commend you, on the love you show ,and your husband taking care of family. It would be wonderful if more people were as kind. God bless.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,193
Registered: ‎03-18-2015

Re: Just one of the dilemma's I'm facing right now...

@house_cat was thinking of you throughout the day and hope you are coping.  Sometimes there are just no right or wrong answers to a problem.  You just have to take it one day at a time.  You're trying to be so many things to so many people.  Don't forget to take it easy on yourself. 

 

Many are here for you.  Lean on us.

 

"Never water yourself down just because someone can't handle you 100% proof."
Honored Contributor
Posts: 9,861
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Just one of the dilemma's I'm facing right now...

Thanks, everyone :-)

Here's a quick update.  DH stayed with Mom tonight so I could go to my monthly ladies night dinner - what a treat!  Trouble is that I just got home and have to catch up on some things before bed.

 

All of your responses were helpful and I plan to read them through even more carefully this weekend.

 

On my way home from work today I stopped at Walmart and bought her four new patterned tees in size S.  They should fit her with room to spare, but they all have sleeves. When I got home with them, DH was here with her having coffee. I told her that I bought them for her because she looks so much prettier and younger when she wears more updated clothing. She's quite vain and very aware of her age, so that seemed to get her attention. I'm expecting that she will want to save them for when she goes to the doctor, which is what she does with everything, but I'll try to coax her into them each day.  (Just coincidently, she wore a short sleeved shirt today.)

 

Thanks again for all the responses. I'm looking forward to reading the articles and books you linked for me.  I've said this before but it's true, my forum friends rock!

~ house cat ~
Honored Contributor
Posts: 20,019
Registered: ‎08-08-2010

Re: Just one of the dilemma's I'm facing right now...


@Lucky Charm wrote:

I feel so badly for you and your DH and son.

 

I know I would not want to subject my children, their spouses or my grandchildren to something like this.

 

I see your husband's point totally.

 

You are no longer living with your own husband because of your parent.  It's noble of you and him that you're doing this.  I hope not to sound patronizing to say 'noble'.

 

But.... 

 

Is your mother happy you're there?  Or is she totally unaware of the circumstances?

 

If she's happy and she tells you how much she appreciates it, then it would be worth it to stay for a while longer.

 

If she is totally oblivious that you're no longer with your DH (and son), then she needs care.  Better care.  You can't do it all. 

 

You work, you're married, you have a son who needs you also. 

 

I would never want to cause any embarrassment or uneasiness with my children, if I'm totally unaware of it.

 

I think you need to look into alternatives for her living arrangements. 

 

 


 

I think we have to be more realistic about what "this" really is. 

 

People age, and often their abilities and minds do go. It often isn't a pretty picture, but to hide it from others, to not expect those in such close relationship to the person aging to see it, understand it, participate in it is really a disservice to all parties.

 

If the worst it gets is a little flash of the bra (as opposed to someone undressing in mixed company, as will happen sometimes), then they need to learn how to become comfortable with it.

 

OP is really working hard to make this all work, and the last thing she needs is more stress, from people who can't handle what may eventually be seen as the easy part of this journey.

 

I believe different than many. I believe we owe our parents who were good to us and took care of us, to do the same. Of course it has to be within our ability based on our age and own physical condition, and the most important thing is always the safety and comfort of the aging parent. It can be made a more difficult thing to do when our own spouses, children, siblings don't support us (I'm not saying OP's family isn't being supportive), and I think everyone needs to take a good look at this situation, and prepare (for those that may be facing it someday) themselves for what may be coming. Some of the suggestions and solutions offered up here are really great, considerate, and helpful.

 

This thread has really been thought provoking for me, and I appreciate it being here.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 18,319
Registered: ‎04-28-2010

Re: Just one of the dilemma's I'm facing right now...

Yes, I like the idea of taking each top, one at a time, to your local dry cleaner/laundry for alterations.  See what happens with the first top.  Or maybe have one of her close friends or neighbors 'hint' that perhaps making the armholes a bit smaller would fit and look better.........sometimes an 'outsider' can work miracles by just chatting/'hinting'.   I've seen it happen many times. 

'More or less', 'Right or wrong', 'In general', and 'Just thinking out loud ' (as usual).
Honored Contributor
Posts: 18,319
Registered: ‎04-28-2010

Re: Just one of the dilemma's I'm facing right now...

Another idea:  Maybe a cute cami worn over her bra, under her top, so that nothing is showing through the armholes except the cute floral camisole. 

'More or less', 'Right or wrong', 'In general', and 'Just thinking out loud ' (as usual).