Among Friends

[Bird mama]

Karen, I hope that you don't take this the wrong way.  While I feel for you and your husband and son, I can't help but think of this also from your mother's point of view.

I recognize the reasons for moving your parents from NY to CA were valid ones.  I'm not criticizing any decisions you made at the time to get them nearer to you for safety sake.

I don't have lots of experience with dementia.  That said, the little I know about dementia and alzheimers is that patients tend to lose the present, if you will and cling to or remember fondly the past.

Your mom is from NY.  While I don't ever question the level of care or devotion that you have for your Dad and Mom, if your Mom is clinging to the past, she is finding herself a stranger in a strange land so to speak.

She is in a state that holds nothing of her past.  She is not around sights, sounds, foods and people (aside from your family who is doing the best possible) of her past.  The one person who probably made the move tolerable has died.  Your Mom probably could've handled anything with her husband, again a connection to her past, by her side.

I would not be surprised if some of your Mom's cognitive decline is from the loss of your Dad.

Honestly, and you know I love ya - I would tell my husband and son to chill out a little - I recognize that this is probably their first experience dealing with someone of advanced age having these issues.  I get that it can be an adjustment but you know what - we all get old and it will likely happen to us one day.

I would see what could be done to take in her tops.  If wearing them bring her comfort, let her have them.

[HiLo]

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@Moonchilde wrote:

@house_cat, it's a lot on your plate right now, but if your mom's dementia is to this stage, that you can't reason with her and she's exhibiting paranoia, it's time she was in a care facility, preferably one that specializes in dementia patients. This is for everyone's sake - hers, yours and your husband's, and your marriage. 

Your mom's mental status is not going to get better, only worse, and the stresses on all of you will also only get worse. No matter how much we love, there comes a point where professionals need to take over, to keep you, your DH and DS a sane family unit.

{{HUG}}

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The above post is right on target..  My own Mom always had the sweetest disposition but it changed gradually to the point where she was mostly complaining of missing money.  She would accuse any one who was visiting of taking it....somehow she didn't accuse me; she was actually hiding it from herself.   Things gradually got worse and worse, other things were happening, such as roming around the house all night, banging on doors, etc..  This went on for some time until my siblings and I got together and decided that a nursing facility should be tried.  We would never have considered this step until she no longer recognized us. 

Mother was very content in the facility we chose.  Loved the activity and entertainment provided and she got the best of care. Counselors were also available for us to discuss any questions we had. My siblings and I took turns going to see her so some one was there to check on her every day but. I doubt  the change would have been as easy if she had known what was going on.  She eventually passed on ever so peacefully.

We never felt guilty about taking this step;we are to take care of our loved ones but we felt that we were taking care of her by providing for her needs and even more,, even if it was not actually in one of our homes. I have asked my children to take the same step for me when and if I live long enough to present them with the same situation.

Please OP, talk to your family and consider what is not only best for you and your family and where your dear Mother will get the best care.  The whole situation will get worse and you have yourself and your husband to think of too. While the time may not be right to actually take the next step now, I hope you will consider what options are open to you in the future.

God bless you dear for taking care of your Mother. I wish there was something I could do to help you.

[house_cat]

Thank you all for your heartfelt responses. It means a lot.

We have an appointment with her GP next week to get the ball rolling on a diagnosis.  We understand that she needs more help than we are currently providing. In defense of my husband, however, I have to say that there has never been a more patient, caring man.  He stayed at the hospital with my dad 8-10 hours a day. Everyone thought he was the son and were consistently surprised to learn he was the SIL. There is nothing he hasn't done for them since we brought them here.  This is literally the first thing that's bothered him, so I have to take his complaint seriously. I moved in here with mom 6 weeks ago, leaving DH alone. He has never complained about that and constantly reassures me that I'm doing the right thing.  I will consider all the suggestions I received here and figure out what works.

Again, thank you all for responding :-)

[Serenity-Now]

This will be a longer post, to try to cover different issues.

I love the alterations idea, thinking it would be the least upsetting for your mom. I would try that first, but she may balk anyway, knowing something is different.  I would suggest trying it on one first, rather than paying for all of them & having them not work out.  Or--this may sound mean, but it isn't meant that way:  have them altered so they are no longer her 1st choice to wear, and then ditch them with her blessing.

But the reality of the situation is, this is one of many different types of scenarios that will be playing out, over many different real & imagined issues by someone with dementia challenges.  As a nurse & as a family member who dealt with a parent & a grandparent going through these types of things as well as many patients,, here is what I came to understand for myself, for them, and for the rest of our family & patient's families:  Yes, in a perfect world we would all make the one with dementia the #1 concern, and do for all the important care needs.  But when there are unreasonable issues such as not wearing appropriate clothing around others, we have to grit our teeth & take care of the issue as best we can.  No, it won't be perfect, but what I do in these situations is put myself (with my current cognizance) in the patient's place, and ask myself, "If this were me, how would I want someone to handle this situation for me?"  I sure wouldn't want to be going around showing too much skin, & would have been mortified to have my dignity compromised.  But I also understand how your mother feels, being too warm.  So, I would put fans up near her fav places to relax or sit, to help with that issue.  Maybe if she is cooler, she'll cover up more. 

You want to make her happy, but also maintain the dignity she deserves & would have wanted during her lifetime, up to now when she doesn't realize what is really going on.  Sometimes we need to step back and take all the other factors in, too...such as, we need to keep our loved one's family members staying in her orbit.  It isn't good if they all start avoiding her, because it is important for family unity & support.  If a family member hears on the phone that there is a problem, they say, "Oh, that's too bad."  But if they are there in person to see how difficult it is for you & your loved ones, they are more likely to actually push up their sleeves & pitch in to help.  Therefore, the bottom line of the blouse challenge would be:  "Which outcome is worse, and which choice which would my well mother want me to make for her?"

We can't change everything, but if there are a few mild changes we can make to ensure the more squeamish family members will keep coming around & staying a more active part of the family, that is very important...even if it isn't a perfect world with them being more supportive than they are being, it is all we have to work with, & you want to have all the support you all can get, during such difficullt times.  

Maybe it is time to request visiting times from family members who are putting up roadblocks.  That way if you know a squeamish family member is coming over, maybe it is time to get mom showered & at that point, make sure all her 'revealing' blouses are dirty & in the laundry, so she can't put those on.  If she wants to put that too-big blouse she was just wearing back on, now is the perfect time to 'accidentally' spill something on it, & give her the choice of a few more appropriate blouses.

Consider contacting your local alzheimers & dementia organization, and going to a caregivers meeting.  I went to several before, and there you can start a network of people going through what you are going through, learn their tips & tricks, & learn what to avoid & how to be prepared.  There are many things to learn about these types of conditions, and how to handle them.  Especially since there are times when these patients can get violent.  Even the ones who have always been gentle.  This is because of the changes going on in the brain. 

Helpful books on dementia & alzheimer conditons, for caregivers & family:

http://www.alz.org/co/in_my_community_alz_books.asp

I hope some of this helps.  I know how hard it is, believe me.  But you are a wonderful daughter to be so loving & caring.  Blessings to you & yours. 

[spix]

@house_cat, I am so sorry for your situation with Mom, I don't have any advice other than you need to take care of yourself also, please think it over with DH & come up with a solution that will work for both of you, I think you know what that is but I also know it is a very difficult decision to make, been there done that.

You are in my thoughts & prayers

[jlkz]

Posts have reminded me of situations with my mom when she first went to memory care assisted living.

She was always proper, quiet and unassuming until then.  Staff advised me that she roamed the halls in her slip at night ( winter ) and was wound up, banging on doors, hitting staff with her cane, and using the most horrible language.  First time I heard this report, I just couldn't believe it was my mom they were talking about.  They took her cane and replaced it with a wheel chair.  Now she banged into them with the chair.

The clothes issue was difficult as my mom only wore skirts for her entire life.  With the foreshortened leg from her 3rd hip replacement, I had all 10 of her skirts shortened so that the front was good and lengthened in the back.

All was good until I stopped in to see her as she was in the lobby/ sitting room.  She had her skirt up over her face !!!!!  That did it:  I got her several pairs of pants and took away every skirt.  When my dad came up the next day to help me get her to a doctor's appointment, he said he never saw her in slacks and that they looked good on her.   WHEW !!!  Her dresser said she had no problem with dressing her that morning: bullet dodged !

[Plaid Pants2]

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[Removed by moderator - Previously deleted quote]  

You are exactly right! 

When someone has dementia, they don't understand why something is "important". They are confused.

So what if she shows skin?

Just let her be happy.

Trust me, those happy moments will become fewer and fewer as her dementia gets worse.

You have to learn to pick your battles with someone with dementia.

Wearing loose clothes that show some skin?

Not a battle worth having.

It'll save you stress, it'll save her stress.

Trust me, it'll only get worse from here, and when it does, you'll look back and say to yourself, "Why did I make such a big deal over her clothes?"

Let it go.

Let her be happy with what she likes to wear.

It's not worth the stress and aggravation, for you, or for her.

[RedTop]

At 97 years old, my grandmother had to adjust to wearing pants for the first time in her life.  All female residents in the personal care home had to wear full pajamas at night, and sweatpants or jogging suits during the day---neck and arm skin had to be covered at all times, sleeveless anything was not allowed.  Absolutely no gowns or house dresses were allowed, and while she was not happy about it at all, she had no choice.  Mom and I purchased what she needed, washed and labeled everything, and put her clothes in her room.  Staff assisted her with dressing every morning.   

At 91, with mental and physical issues that keep your mom from making sound choices, this type of issue becomes something you decide, period.   I would go thru her closet and remove whatever you do not want her to wear.  Cognitive changes in her brain, have taken away your mothers ability to make the right decisions about anything.  Based on her condition, it now becomes your responsibility to protect her modesty, and maintain her appearance.

[Serenity-Now]

@RedTop, it sounds as if the facility's goal may have been wanting to protect their resident's fragile elderly skin, by having them wear long-sleeves & long pants; did they ever mention why they required those rules?  Many people are on blood thinners too, which would make any little nick or cut bleed profusely.  I imagine there have been many lawsuits when these things happen, too.  (I would be fussing about long sleeves, too! I'm very warm-natured.)

To some people that seems like removing their right to dress as they want; while to others, it would seem irresponsible to not protect their skin & health with such an easy solution.  The longer someone is around these types of situations and sees what can happen, the more they tend to believe these types of rules are there for a reason, and it isn't to remove individual's rights, but to safeguard people who aren't able to safeguard themselves.

 I wholeheartedly agree that we all do what we have to do, given the change in circumstances when our loved ones get this way.  

@house_cat, you can't please everybody, you know your own mother better than anyone else, so what do you think she would want you to do?  What would she do for you, if roles were reversed?  You can take comfort with following the answer in your heart that feels right for the both of you.  I know this has to be a heartbreaking time for you, and my heart goes out to you & your family.  Please don't kick yourself when you have to make some hard choices for your mother's well-being.  Believe that on some level, she understands & supports you for looking out for her in a way that she would want.