Just one of the dilemma's I'm facing right now... - Page 2

Toppers · ‎01-01-2015

It sounds like she has dementia, and that she is comfortable with what she is wearing.

If it were me, I would not try and change things on her, even though it's distressing for you and the rest of your family to see her dressed like this.

People with dementia like to have some kind of routine and security. If they are taken out of it and anything is changed on them, they start to get even more scared, confused, and paranoid.

She's not doing any of this to upset anyone. Her mind isn't functioning like it used to, and she really doesn't understand what's going on like she used to.

I understand-I used to take care of all of my relatives as they aged.

Karnerblue · ‎03-18-2015

Here's a site with some helpful information. https://www.agingcare.com/Articles/bad-behavior-by-elderly-parents-138673.htm

Sometimes you may have to play the role as the parent with a child. Maybe if you get her to put on one of the new blouses, you or your husband can give her a compliment about how lovely she looks in the blouse and it really suits her. It's just a thought.

My heart goes out to you.

"Never water yourself down just because someone can't handle you 100% proof."

Karnerblue · ‎03-18-2015

@birkin baby that's an awesome idea!

"Never water yourself down just because someone can't handle you 100% proof."

ECBG · ‎01-08-2011

Karen, I'm so very, very sorry that you're having this and teaching too. For your peace of mind, could you consult a family counselor for some support. I'm sure they can bring up some things that you've never considered.

This may be one of those times that "you don't know what you don't know"!

I'll keep you in my prayers.

January121 · ‎03-21-2010

@house_cat wrote:
Some of you know that my dad passed away recently and I'm living with my mom. She is 91 and gets very confused about simple things. She can't live alone and we're in the middle of figuring out what to do next.

Here's the current issue:

My DH is wonderful with her, as he was with my dad. There is nothing he wouldn't do for them - for example, he took my mom to the Gyn last year when she was having a problem, because I couldn't take the day off from work. He sat there in the waiting room and he consulted with the doctor. That's just one example and one of the reasons I love him and respect him so much.

Recently, Mom has gotten very lax about her appearance. She used to be fashion conscious and fastidious about hygiene, but for a number of reasons she has slacked off in that department. I make sure she showers and has clean clothes, but she has no sense of modesty. She lost a lot of weight this last year, yet she insists on wearing sleevless tops that are way too loose. I bought her new ones that fit better, but she won't wear them until she "wears out" the older ones. Because of this, the armholes are too big and you can see into her shirt. Even though she wears a bra, DH finds it very upsetting. He can't understand why she won't wear sleeves. I bought her several lovely twin sets the last couple of years, but she insists she doesn't want to wear the top blouse around the house. It's always warm here and she tends to be warm anyway, so she's comfortable with no sleeves. I've told her in no uncertain terms, several times, that my husband and my son find it offensive to have to be in her company when they can see things they don't want to see. Well, she doesn't get it.. insists there's nothing wrong with the way she's dressing. Even when I get her to acknowledge their concerns, she forgets the next day.

Tonight he told me that he will not be coming here for dinner any longer unless she starts covering up.

What would you do in this situation?

Hi @house_cat ..... I know what you are going through .... I took care of my Mom until she passed away 2 years ago at 96 years old.. my Mom did not have memory issues but, she was stubborn and wanted things her way ... It is very difficult to care for elderly parents .... you stated in your post " tonight he told me that he would not be coming here for dinner any longer unless she starts covering up" .... I am not sure who "he" is? ...... don't get me wrong but, if " he" is your husband/son he should realize that your Mom does not know what she is doing and overlook whatever he sees that is upsetting him .... you can also, keep your Mom in her room & feed her away from the rest of the family .... I would also, make holes & stains in/on the clothes that are too big & show them to her so she will be forced to wear the smaller sizes which will eliminate anyone seeing anything they don't want to see! Your family should be supporting you & not giving you ultimatums because you are under tremendous stress as it is.

Good luck to you & your family ..... tell your Mom that you love her every day ... she will hear you ....once she is gone it's too late.

dex · ‎03-09-2010

Make her things disappear one at a time or purposely damage the old items with a little bleach.I know this sounds mean but she has other nice things to wear and it would make the rest of your family feel more comfortable.I feel so bad for her as she once was a well groomed person and just doesn't recognize that she no longer has that skill.You are a wonderful caring daughter and she is very blessed to have you to care for her.

KathT · ‎03-09-2010

@house_cat

Could the blouses be altered? My mom took in the sides & made the armholes smaller on my grandma's sleeveless blouses when she lost weight. This was some time ago, since my mom has been gone for five years.

My mom had post stroke dementia and she wouldn't let me remove clothes that were worn out. She lived in an assisted living unit in a retirement community and had a storage area in the basement of the building she lived in. She was willing to place some of her off season clothes there. However, we had to make frequent trips to her locked storage area to make sure her clothes were still all there. She also wanted to wear her older clothes and shoes instead of new ones. We had quite a time when the staff asked me to take her heels away from her(safety issue). Hang in there and take care of yourself.

qbetzforreal · ‎08-28-2010

She's 91, dealing with a cognitive issue on top of that she's from the generation which grew up during the depression. They don't part with anything until it is thoroughly worn out. (Experience with my parents) As another poster stated she's not doing it on purpose. DH and DS will need to exercise a bit more patience with her.

tansy · ‎01-02-2011

@qbetzforreal wrote:
She's 91, dealing with a cognitive issue on top of that she's from the generation which grew up during the depression. They don't part with anything until it is thoroughly worn out. (Experience with my parents) As another poster stated she's not doing it on purpose. DH and DS will need to exercise a bit more patience with her.

I agree. She's wearing a bra so how much skin can she be showing?

RedLipstick · ‎06-29-2012

Things are and can become very confusing for her. I would take those favorites of hers and one at a time have them altered. It shouldn't take too much time to have that done and she may not miss the one item where multiples at a time could be confusing.

Change is very, very hard for them......your are in my prayers as I know where you are in this place in time.