Just a general boyfriend question. - Page 3

chrystaltree · ‎05-10-2010

Speaking as a woman who married an RN who also attended college for the first 7 years of our marriage; I find it odd that something this minor could lead you to walk away from the relationship. He can't go out on Saturday night anymore so it's over...lol It sounds to me like you aren't committed to or interested in this guy and you want out. Which is fine. If the relationship isn't working for you, it isn't working for you. Do the right thing and end it with respect.

dex · ‎03-09-2010

If you are not happy then the relationship is over but if you are just bored then why don't you find some volunteer positions that interest you and use up some of your energy there.

Serenity-Now · ‎07-05-2010

Just my impression that I got from the OP: that she is in a mutual companion-type relationship, not really a love-of-her-life type relationship. If that is the case, it is totally understandable for her to consider her options and try to figure out what her best move is, snd it sounds like her sig-other is aggeeable to this type of understanding, & has the same understanding, also. There are many different types of relationships that fit many different needs, so I don't want to sit in judgment because it doesn't fit my own ideal of the perfect relationship.

I've been really, really fortunate to have found my great love in my early 20's, and have been with him non-stop ever since, through all the drama of good & bad times throughout our lives. It taught me that the challenges we have can make our relationship deeper & even more strong, or it could destroy us. Luckily, we both felt the same & held fast. Not all couples come from the same place, and have different goals.

I remember a conversation my mom & I had once...we wondered aloud that if we did have the worst fear happen, and lose our beloved spouses, would we choose to remarry? My mother surprised me by exclaiming, "NO! I would find myself a best friend & just enjoy the rest of my life without all the drama of a relationship, if I could." I understood why, and felt much the same way. Marriage is hard work, even though it is worth it with the right person. Otherwise...not so much. So, I think I get where the OP is coming from, and why she wonders if she should stick this out. She is in this for companionship, so if he isn't around....it is understandable that she would consideer other options. What I would suggest she questions herself over is, "Is this relationship worth the time & effort to see this through for a year or so, to hopefully have things return to a better place?"

I hope for both of their sakes, that it is. But if it isn't, then it is good that she moves on now...that is Life's way of nudging us to continue on our merry way.

☼SerenityNow!☼
"Be as a bird perched on a frail branch that she feels bending beneath her; still she sings away all the same, knowing she has wings." ~Victor Hugo

Lucky Charm · ‎03-09-2010

Didn't read all the posts, sorry.

I would think that him moving into your house would be a good thing. You get to see more of each other. Maybe you didn't see each other during the week--that much and that's why your weekends together meant so much?

I'm happy to have my man come home to me every night, be it a cold and rainy Wednesday or a hot, humid Thursday night.

If he's tired, that's because of long hours. He'll get used to them, even at his age.lol.

Don't see why you can't enjoy his days off together without too much notice. Make the best of them.

If none of this sounds good to you, then you aren't really into him.

missy1 · ‎03-10-2010

Like another poster said, I think this is your way out. Does he have a place to go, since he lives in your house? Please don't encourage him to get a new job, and bail. I could see him getting one and it's over. One angry dude.

colliegirls · ‎05-13-2012

One man cannot be everything to us. That is why we have girlfriends. Spend dinner or a shopping trip with the girls when he is working or snoring (!!). If he is not what you want, let him go soon.

NYC Susan · ‎03-13-2010

I assumed that a 6-year relationship would mean that the people involved had feelings for each other, but it doesn't seem that's the case here. It sounds to me as though the OP just wants someone to do things with, and she's resentful that he won't be available for that. She's certainly entitled to feel however she feels, but I can't understand even contemplating ending a relationship for a reason like this. Early on in a relationship maybe, but not after 6 years.

When I was pregnant with my first child, I was let go from my job for being pregnant (yes, a whole other story!). So I had a lot of very unexpected time on my hands while my husband was working. It was pretty lonely because everyone I knew had a job, and he worked a lot, including weekends. And after we had children, we both worked, on pretty much opposite schedules so that one of us could be home with the children. That meant irregular hours, which included evenings and weekends. We rarely spent time together at all, never mind time alone together. But we treasured the time we did have, and we made it work. I would have rather spent just a few hours a month with him than every single weekend with anyone else. And we were not unusual. Lots of couples function that way, and many jobs include exensive travel and lots of time apart. It takes understanding and compromise and valuing the other person.

If the OP is looking for someone to help her fill her free time, then she'd be better off finding some friends. It's really unfair, IMO, to put that kind of burden on her BF. And it seems kind of selfish to me to be complaining about his new job schedule when he's the one who has to work those hours and is likely still adjusting. Every relationship has little monkey wrenches thrown into the works - That's how life is. If you care about the other person, you work through them. Together. I could be wrong, of course, but this doesn't sound like a "together" situation to me. So it comes down to the old question, "Would my life be better with him, or without him?" Only the OP can answer that.

KarenQVC · ‎05-13-2010

This sounds like a dating sort of relationship. If a guy has no time for dates, well, you date someone else. It is sticky, though, because he lives with you. Can he move out and both of you date others, too?

Mrsq2022 · ‎03-10-2010

@SerenityNowMyndi wrote:
Just my impression that I got from the OP: that she is in a mutual companion-type relationship, not really a love-of-her-life type relationship. If that is the case, it is totally understandable for her to consider her options and try to figure out what her best move is, snd it sounds like her sig-other is aggeeable to this type of understanding, & has the same understanding, also. There are many different types of relationships that fit many different needs, so I don't want to sit in judgment because it doesn't fit my own ideal of the perfect relationship.

I've been really, really fortunate to have found my great love in my early 20's, and have been with him non-stop ever since, through all the drama of good & bad times throughout our lives. It taught me that the challenges we have can make our relationship deeper & even more strong, or it could destroy us. Luckily, we both felt the same & held fast. Not all couples come from the same place, and have different goals.

I remember a conversation my mom & I had once...we wondered aloud that if we did have the worst fear happen, and lose our beloved spouses, would we choose to remarry? My mother surprised me by exclaiming, "NO! I would find myself a best friend & just enjoy the rest of my life without all the drama of a relationship, if I could." I understood why, and felt much the same way. Marriage is hard work, even though it is worth it with the right person. Otherwise...not so much. So, I think I get where the OP is coming from, and why she wonders if she should stick this out. She is in this for companionship, so if he isn't around....it is understandable that she would consideer other options. What I would suggest she questions herself over is, "Is this relationship worth the time & effort to see this through for a year or so, to hopefully have things return to a better place?"

I hope for both of their sakes, that it is. But if it isn't, then it is good that she moves on now...that is Life's way of nudging us to continue on our merry way.

This is exactly how I read it too. This is a boyfriend, she is dating him and said at least 3 times they have no plans of marrying. And it isn't fun anymore due to his work schedule. I don't judge her at all, nor do I think that she needs to "make it work" if it isn't.

I hope that it can work out, but maybe if he stops staying with you and instead, you sort of head back to the old "dating" instead of living together you can see if you miss each other or start to drift apart. That's what I would do anyway. Sorry about this. I actually did end a relationship year ago due to schedules and not finding the relationship to be "fun" anymore. Sure, it was probably a sort of "meh" relationship anyway but not having weekends together killed it.

NYC Susan · ‎03-13-2010

@KarenQVC wrote:
This sounds like a dating sort of relationship. If a guy has no time for dates, well, you date someone else. It is sticky, though, because he lives with you. Can he move out and both of you date others, too?

I understand what you're saying, but they've been together for 6 years and even though they have no plans to marry, there clearly has been a certain level of commitment since they live together. I would think that in the course of a 6-year relationship, some feelings for each other would develop. Along with some willingness to get over the rough spots. And it's not that he has no time for dates. It's just a bit trickier now because of his schedule.

This sounds more like a business relationship than a personal one. Not so different than (for example) a gardener or housekeeper no longer having the same availability. And in that case, if their schedules no longer work for you, then you hire someone else. As you said. But a 6-year personal relationship is a whole other thing, IMO.

It seems that she's looking for someone to spend her free time with rather than wanting to spend time with this particular person. If that's the case, then yes, she should end it with him and move on. I guess I just can't imagine being with someone for 6 years and caring about him so little that I would throw it all away for a reason like this. But that's JMO, obviously!