Among Friends

[Serenity-Now]

@hondagirl, my dh & I have each worked all-hours shiftwork for our entire relationship, so I understand the feelings & frustrations you mention, when it seems you rarely get to see each other.  

What I found to work better, was to find the hidden blessings in the new schedule, if there are any.  For instance, days off during the middle of the week, instead of the busy Sat/Sun weekend when most other people are out & about, can be very handy & less hectic while running errands.  Do you have any flexibility with your own hours?  I'm guessing not so much. 

Since there are new owners, hopefully adjustments will happen soon, and then the problem won't be as bad.  The owners are probably testing your bf, and deciding who to keep & who should go.  It is a lot easier for them as bosses if they drive their employees away, rather than having to fire them.  So, this can be an unpleasant time for your bf, if that is what they are doing.  But if he hangs in there, it may get better soon, when they see he is a valuable employee.  I would consider trying to support him in this endeavor, if that is what he would like, so he can ride this out.

One thing my dh & I discovered in our 50's:  it isn't as easy to get a new job, as it was in our earlier years!  My dear friend (also in her 50's) went through a massive lay-off with the company she worked for 4 years ago, and it took her 3 long frightening years to find a new job that was comparable.  

Whatever you decide to do, please give yourself time to think everything through carefully, and consider all possible outcomes, good or bad.  Good luck to the both of you.

[Mz iMac]

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@Hondagirl wrote:

How can I get past this without possibly ending a relationship which I don't want to do but it might be the best thing for both of us...

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There are plenty of women out there just waiting to pounce on a man like yours. 

These old sayings are so true......

"You never know what you are missing until the well runs dry."

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder."

[NycVixen]

Honestly, I read this and felt very sad for your boyfriend. I had a long-term BF basically walk out on me many years ago for losing my job. After 6 years with someone I find it very sad that once things get hard for him (this is really about him not you to be honest) instead of being there for him you want to bail.

I guess we don't know how good we have it. My husband was relocated to another country in 2014 and he just got back. I lived with him overseas till the beginning of 2015 and came back to the US and spent most of that year ALONE. Leaving him for something that was not his fault never even crossed my mind. I made the most of it. How I wish he was just working weekends in the US.

Now that he's back working for the same company they are extremely busy and he's working M-F at the office and Saturday and Sunday from home or in the field. Again, I've never thought to leave him because of that.

Just because your husband walked out on you is no reason to mistreat someone else. My old BF left me stranded and it was a very painful experience. I lost my trust in people for a long time. I felt betrayed. How could someone I almost married just leave me simply because I lost my job? I was great when I had a job during good times but once I hit some difficult times he was out. Do you really want to be that type of person? He hasn't done anything to you from what you have posted. 

No one is perfect. If you leave him for this I'm almost certain you won't find anyone else to make you happy since you are acting selfish and petty IMHO. I mean no offense. This happened to my sibling. You might end up with someone who might really hurt you. He's the one going through this. Support him. He deserves it. He's been there for you for 6 years. 

There are so many people with very serious problems. Thanks G he still has a job. Be thankful for all you have and be there for him.

[Mominohio]

I hate my husband's work schedule, but I'm grateful for the good job, the benefits it provides our family, and the fact that he likes it. I'd never end the relationship over a work schedule.

But my guess is that you aren't that committed to this relationship because you don't intend to marry (not a judgement, as I don't believe that people HAVE to marry to be committed), you consider bailing out after just a few weeks of a less than desirable change in something as simple as a work schedule, and you don't consider him changing his job, or you changing yours as an option to being together more. 

I, too, think you, maybe unknown to yourself, are looking for an escape. If that is what you want, just do it without the excuses of work schedules. Be honest with yourself and with him. Nothing wrong with moving on, just be honest about it.

[Shogirl]

My situation is similar to yours, except that we're married.  My husband retired two years ago but works a part time job.  I'm 59 and working full time.  His workdays differ sometimes, but basically he works two days during the week and one day on the weekends.  On Saturdays he now works 2PM-10PM.  I work M-F with weekends off.  Yes, it's cutting into our weekend time together and he's not sure if he likes these new hours.  He's considering quitting, although we could use the money.  I have left the decision mostly up to him, although when he's asked, I've offered advice about what I think.  As far as us spending time together, I have vacation time, so I can take off during the week if we decide to go somewhere.  

hondagirl, is this a permanent work situation for either of you or could changes come down the road?  For me, I know this isn't going to be permanent, so I'm being patient and doing what I can to not make the situation any harder than it is.  Also, it took me some years to realize that my partner isn't always there to keep me entertained and busy, and I have had to find ways to do that myself.  I would say to talk to your partner about making the most of your time together and see if you can come to a compromise.  Good luck! 

[colliegirls]

At this age, any man is going to come home from work, eat dinner, and could fall asleep!!  Unless you find a much younger man, this is how it is many days.  I am exhausted myself, after a day at work, I don't want to be jumping around late at night or on many weekends.  If he is a good man, it will all work out if you really want him.

[hondagirl]

I know I am being selfish and don't want to be mean to him.  He was once married many years ago and does not want that route again - not because of me.  I have to much at stake to marry as money situations from a marriage which I can't get into.  It's not that I want to end it but maybe he needs to find another place to live this way he can work his hours and we can get together when there are days off..  I have more to do at the house now since he isn't around to help out that much but that's ok... Some nights he comes home and is so tired he falls asleep on the couch.  I do feel bad for him but this is his job and for me my day ends at 4:00... So I have lots of free time and want to share this with him...  So the way things are now I feel very much alone... Can't help it,...

[Nataliesgramma]

I would tell him how you feel and then I would give it 6 months and see where things are then..........by that time you will know what is best and who knows....his schedule may change again to something more favorable.

[hondagirl]

He spoke to his boss about working every weekend and that's the way the company wants it.  My BF is assistant manager and he has to be there - bad for him... He misses his Sunday off because we took rides upstate NY to some fun wineries and great music and food.  All that has stopped now until things change for him... He loves all that stuff and got me interested in many great places to go that I never heard of.  It's not that he has to entertain me that's not what I mean - it's just a big change for us at this time.  I try and hook up with friends on the weekend and that does not always work out - so I do some shopping and eat lunch out - that gets boring too... I need to find myself again and find new interests...BTW - he is 12 years younger than I am so I do have the younger man...  No matter his age is he still getting burned out at this job....

[Ms X]

Can't you do things when he has time off?  You might not be able to plan so much, but even if he has one day off you could at least do something that day (in the evening if you have to work).  I wouldn't push him to change jobs or he could resent you if it doesn't turn out for him.  Try to figure out how you can work around this.  With a new management team, he's probably just concerned about keeping his job while everyone adjusts.  Good luck, and remember patience is a virtue (or at least that's what they say).