Among Friends

[IMW]

She must be very lonely. She needs a friend to listen.

[Imaoldhippie]

She sounds severely depressed to me and has anger issues along with grieving.  First she needs to see her doctor for the depression and as you suggested some counseling.  Maybe you could visit her and let her know you are worried and make these suggestions.  If you cant visit in person you need to make a call to her.

[ID2]

OP I say move on. It sounds like you are not the kind of friend she wants right now. I would hate to know that after hours of talking to my friend that she hates talking to me. I'd be heartbroken. Wish her the best and move on and another friend that you can tolerate better. 

[Plaid Pants2]

Anger is part of the grieving process.

I'm sorry that you are so intolerant and judgemental of your friend, because she's not doing what you think she should be doing.

She deserves better.

[chrystaltree]

I can honestly that I am thankful that I do not have any "friends" like the OP.  People grieve in different ways and losing a spouse of 40 years after long illness has obviously left the widow reeling.  I know from what I went through for months after my mother passed, that I wasn't always thinking clearly.  There were times when my mind was just full of my mother and I'm pretty sure I had some "weird" conversations with friends.  However, my friends are  real friends who understood what I was going through and had patience with me.  Friends don't usually call and say "I calling because..".  That also indicates there's no real friendship between the two and that's why OP was annoyed by the calls.  I think it's obvious that their are times when the widow just needs to reach out and talk.  Talking helps her, she doesn't have an agenda, she doesn't need anything specific, she doesn't need advice.....she just needs to talk.  She just needs a friend who will let her talk.  It's like that she has to be "the strong one" in her family, the one who comforts others.  So, she doesn't get to express her own feelings.  It's sad that the OP couldn't be a friend, that she just threw some breavement information at the woman and called it a day.  If someone treated me like that, someone I thought was my friend; I'd get the message loud and clear and that would be the last she ever heard from me.  

[BirkiLady]

@RinaRinaYou've been "friends" for 60 years, yet you don't have time to meet her for lunch or an art gallery or other outing? This woman is lonely! She is reaching out to you and you might as well be slapping her in the face. Where is your compassion? Time to step up to the plate and help her. What don't you get about that? Introduce her to new people and places. Encourage her to attend Church, take a class, sign up to exercise classes, or senior center activites. She needs activites to fill the void in her life and doesn't know where to begin. Friends help friends in times of grief. NO judgement! Give the woman some warmth and true friendship. She's been through far more than you'll ever know if she's been a caregiver for years and is now widowed after 40 years of marriage. She's grieving. Your judgement is unnecessary. Be kind. Be helpful. Be a friend. She is reaching out. Be the kind of friend you would want if you needed help.

You need to call her with a huge apology and a lot of help ASAP. OR, never pick up her calls again. You have no idea what a friendship entails. 

[game-on]

@RinaRina.....You are asking your friend to be honest... but my guess is that she isnt able to be honest right now... she is grieving and during that process the loss is clouding her thought process.

Since you would like honesty from your friend.... why dont you give her the same in return.... tell her that you are not the person who can talk a long time.... and suggest she go to a grief group and make friends there who will be the people who can talk to each other.

You might offer to go to one group with her.... 

All of us are not what everyone expects us to be.... but we can help someone else find what they need.

And, to me, that is being a good friend.  Best wishes RinaRina.... and to your friend.

[RinaRina]

---

@Q4u wrote:

I think there are a lot of people out there that are like this, whether it's grief or not.  Did she behave this way on the phone prior to her husband getting ill?

I'm just not a phone person.  Ten minutes and I'm done, and probably due to years of handling a phone at work.  Longer talks and I want to meet for coffee or breakfast.  But I have two friends who would keep me on the phone for several hours if I let them.... one who's a life long friend and we've worked out a compromise after I leveled with her. 

==================================

OMG!  I started laughing when I read your 1st paragraph.

She loves to talk and socialize.  I had to stop going to class reunions and church functions with her because she ("we" since we rode in the same car) would always be the last to leave.  At one reunion, after everyone was long-gone, she was still there, talking to the priest -- until he excused himself.  LOL!

Almost 2 years ago, I had a knee replacement.  She used to call me at the hospital late at nite around 9:30 PM to chat.  Given that I go to bed between 8-8:30 PM, I'd always doze off.  When I'd wake up, the phone would be on the pillow and she'd still be talking.   LOL!  

After my knee replacement, I had to go to a rehab center, and the food was awful.  So, she brought me lots of food, soap, hair brushes, crossword puzzles, change for the vending machines, etc., but again, her "visits" were quite long and I'd fall asleep.

When I'd wake up, she'd still be talking ...

LOL!

Now, that I'm writing this, I suppose she's always been this way, and I just never realized it.

BTW, I'm not a "phone" person either.

[qualitygal]

No two people probably grieve the same way.  You've listened to hers.  If you have to leave, politely tell her, and go on.  I think when people are grieving, they don't really know what the person on the receiving end is doing.  Grieving is a mess to come to terms with and different stages to live through.  It's not always easy to be on the receiving end.

I'm glad you got to help her out in that one instance (possibly more).  Give it time.  I'm sure she'll work it out and come around.

[Peaches McPhee]

How long ago is a "few months"? 

Because, jeez louise people, if it was a recent passing, of course she is angry, depressed and lonely. That is normal!  Give her a chance to get her footing back before she goes to therapy or counseling, if she indeed wants to.