Among Friends

[house_cat]

I'll be delighted to have her visit, at a more convenient time.

[LilacTree]

Easy for me.  I just tell them I don't cook, which I don't (actually I can't).  If someone wants to come and be responsible for their own meals, I am fine with it.

[Group 5 minus 1]

You should do whatever makes you comfrtable. In our home we always tell visitors they are welcome any 'ol time but they really have to like pets. (5 dogs and 2 cats)

[Shaunac]

You handled it well.

A couple years ago I was remodeling my bathroom (down to the studs).  My brother called to say he was coming to visit and stay at the house (in September).  He wasn't coming to visit us so much as he was using my house as a hotel so he would have to actually pay a hotel fee.  Well, I emailed him and said it wasn't a good time and he should stay elsewhere as I was remodeling and had people here working all day, had the electricity shut off, water shut off, was stressed out and running around trying to purchase items for the remodel AND working full time.  He got upset, called my mom to tattle, then refused to stay at my house in December for the holidays.  He stopped by the house to pick up my parents to take them to lunch and REFUSED to come into the house to get them.  He pulled up to the curb and waited in the car.  My mom went out and convinced him to come into the house to say hello to my son and I. 

So, no matter the reason, people are going to be upset when you decline THEIR own invitation to visit YOU. 

[ChynnaBlue]

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@house_cat wrote:

The daughter of a good friend wants to stop by for a visit. She'll be passing nearby on her way to another city.  It just happens to be my first teaching day for the new year.  I'm already over my head with responsibilities and I just can't handle it.

I politely declined, explaining why and suggesting that perhaps she can visit another time.  I already sense hurt feelings on her part, as well as her mother's.

We frequently have friends and relatives who plan visits that work with their schedules.  Am I justified in saying that it's not a good time for me? 

It is absolutely acceptable and good for you for knowing your limits. I have a friend who never says no to anything and is always booked for too much. She ends up canceling at the last minute, being very late to things, or just forgetting to show up. I always think she'd be better off just saying no in the first place. I certainly understand saying no and being too busy and then I could make alternate plans instead of scrambling at the last minute because she canceled or didn't show up or because she's late.

Saying no because you don't have time is, to me, being very respectful of everyone involved. I know I'd appreciate your honesty.

[LTT1]

@house_cat OMG house_cat!!! You simply cannot try to entertain on the first day back! If your friend doesn't understand this, then she isn't your friend❤️

[Vivian]

Of course it's OK to decline. I'm retired now but I vividly remember people asking to visit when I was at my busiest at work. At those times, I never extended an invitation to stay over but I did agree to meet them at a restaurant for dinner. And these days, when I have retired from cooking big meals, I continue to tell people I'd be happy to meet them at a local restaurant. It works for me.

[house_cat]

This is so true, ChynnaBlue. One of my closest friends is like this. As a result, it's not unusual for her to call me at the last minute and cancel our plans, or simply forget that we made them. I assume you are like me, in that we take commitments seriously. If I tell someone I'll do something, then you can be sure I'll do it. If ever I have to cancel plans or punk out on a promise to do something, I'm greatly bothered.

[chickenbutt]

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house_cat wrote:
This is so true, ChynnaBlue. One of my closest friends is like this. As a result, it's not unusual for her to call me at the last minute and cancel our plans, or simply forget that we made them. I assume you are like me, in that we take commitments seriously. If I tell someone I'll do something, then you can be sure I'll do it. If ever I have to cancel plans or punk out on a promise to do something, I'm greatly bothered.

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You sound exactly like me in that regard!  It is very important to me that I don't flake out on commitments to others.   You can also be sure that I will be ON TIME, too.  

We had these friends who didn't flake out, but they were ALWAYS late - always 15 to 45 minutes late.    We'd have reservations at a restaurant or something and end up standing around apologizing for the fact that the other couple hadn't yet shown up.

I really don't have any patience for that.  It wasn't ever like something legitimate, such as an emergency or an accident on the freeway or something.  They were just always, seriously 100% of the time, late.   They just laughed it off like it was cute or something.   I guess I don't really like people like that because they make it crystal clear that they have no respect for others.

[rac71]

We are trained to feel that way. It isn't just you. Rarely in our society have women been encouraged to put themselves first.

The expression used in my school (fellow teacher here) is that we have to remember to put our own oxygen masks on first. And yes, it is a very difficult thing. I don't do a great job of it myself.