Among Friends

[LilacTree]

I was quite comfortable living alone in a senior apartment in a brand new, partially government subsidized apartment complex.  The rent was laughably cheap, no utilities expense, and my girls would visit me and help with some of the cleaning I couldn't do.  That was over three years ago.

I now live with my second oldest daughter who has Lyme Disease.  There were many reasons she could not find a place to live after her divorce, so we moved in together at a much higher rent plus utilities, etc.  We pretty much live our own lives, although I don't drive, so she uses my car to drive me when I need to go to the doctor.  She has full use of the car for herself and her own needs.

We are doing okay.  I know this is not ideal for her, but she really had no choice and I feel I didn't either.  I couldn't watch her live in horrible area because she couldn't afford anything else.  So we have both made sacrifices and peace with it. 

Sometimes things just happen and this kind of arrangement is the only one possible.  She is quiet and so am I.  We don't argue, we have established a routine.  It's hard sometimes, but who ever said life is supposed to be easy?

[SahmIam]

My grandmother moved in with my parents when I was a child and I saw what it did to their marriage. I also saw how my mothers' siblings did NOTHING to help her or their mother up to they day (and beyond) their mother dieing.

I see how the neighbors are dealing with serious issues of the elderly parents while their teen daughters are angry that they have to deal with these same issues.

The trend (I know 6 families) in the past year or so is for the parents or parent who just sold their house to "gift" their daughter/son and spouse with the money on a LARGE home that contains either an in-law suit or just a nice, large bedroom and bath ON THE CONDITION that they will stay in the house and be taken care of till the day they die. Now, I think it's REALLY easy to agree to something with when that parent is still fit, doing stuff, helping out, etc. When that parent needs care 24/7, needs to fed, diaper changed, you can't go anywhere, etc (this and so much more I saw first hand), it's a whole different situation. (I'm in that now but with my son).

The reality is, however, that these families (all who were neighbors of mine) could NEVER have afforded a large/single family home in our area without this kind of cash influx. For them, it's a chance to get the American Dream. For the Senior, it's a promise of long-term care and a roof over their head plus giving them them their inheritance early so they can use it. This often includes furniture, car, etc.

It can definitely be a win-win but I often wonder how it will play out years down the road. Maybe it will be fine; maybe it won't especially if the person becomes a full time caregiver when they never thought they would be.

Me? I 've already made my plans and it doesn't include living with any of my kids.

[lovesrecess]

No way would either of us ever want to move in with any of our kids; it has never worked out well for anyone I know who has done this.  Our kids lead their own whirlwind lives....they all have plenty of room, but no way would either of us want to do that.

They are about to vote on allowing "Granny Flats" to be built in backyards in our city.....put grandma in a tiny shack in your backyard, alone. Who wins in that scenario? Just kill me first!

[lovesrecess]

It is always smart to weigh all your options. My dear friend and her husband moved from Delaware to Oregon so they could be with their only son and their first grandkids. Her husband died unexpectedly of a stroke after just a year there; now she is in Oregon where she knows no one except her son and his family....she so regrets moving in the first place.

[Nadine O]

I think it also depends on the people involved.  If both are loving people then I think it will work.  If one is on  the nasty side, then things will be rocky for sure.